One of the best decisions I've ever made...

As you've probably gathered, I've been obese/overweight for the majority of my life.

There have been a few times in my late teens-now that I have dropped down in weight, but never to what I would consider the "magical" number I would consider myself skinny at. That number usually ranges from 135-145.

To be honest with you I don't even know what I would look like at 145 much less 135 because I don't remember the last time I saw that number. In fact, I remember in 8th grade applying for a magnet high school I wanted to attend and wanted to lose about 20pounds, so even then I was around 155. I remember thinking I was sooooo fat, which in comparison to those around me I was a bigger girl than most of my friends, but I realize I have a very bad issue body image distortion. Now, looking back on pictures, I realized that I had an incredible set of legs and I didn't really look as bad as I thought I did.

After many yo yo diets, after many intentions of eating healthier and working out, after many failed attempts at losing weight for good I realized I should take a different approach to this whole thing.

I am an over eater and I am a binge eater. There has to be some kind of psychological mojo to all of this and if I figure THAT part out, I feel like I will be equipped with the tools for success.

I started looking for therapists online dealing with eating disorders. I have never been officially diagnosed, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when you PLAN to go to the grocery store to get a box of Little Debbie cakes and consume most if not all of them in the car and hide the evidence... well, that's just not normal.

I found a therapist's website that specialized in women's health/eating disorders. What really stuck out to me is that Mrs. Deere was not only a psychologist with these specializations, BUT she had lost 112 lbs and kept it off for 6 years. This is someone that could really understand my struggles.

I made the appointment and I was so incredibly nervous all day. I have never been to a psychologist before and didn't know what to expect. Thinking back, I probably was nervous about the fact that I had to learn to FEEL my feelings and was also letting go of the comfort of emotional eating.

So far I've met with her 6 times. We meet once a week on Wednesdays. It has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. There are days when I feel like I am never going to break through my emotional blockages because I just don't "GET" them and there are days where I feel like everything is going to be alright. The main thing here is that I have HOPE. I have hope that I will learn to feel my feelings, I have hope that I will be able to break this cycle and I have hope that the 10 lbs I have lost so far are GONE FOR GOOD and that the remaining 50 I have to lose will be gone for good as well.

I have someone in my corner constantly. When I have been "bad" she absolves my sins. Sounds hokey, but you know what? Sometimes you need someone to tell you that it's okay and you are forgiven so that you can forgive yourself.

For those of you out there struggling with depression or eating disorders. I encourage you to grab this journey by the horns and kick it's ass. :)