Round 5,367

You know what the great thing about being a human being is? We're fallible. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. We struggle.

I feel like I'm a little hampster on a wheel - spinning round and round. I say the same things over and over, I want to make the same commitments over and over... yet when I fail in the least bit I get discouraged and throw in the towel completely. It's that whole "I just ate a meal of stuff I 'SHOULDN'T' so I'm going to scrap the rest of the day because I've already messed up" mind set. In truth it should be, "I didn't make the best choices, but that doesn't mean I have to continue to make bad choices" mentality.

My friend Phil mentioned to me the other day that when he met me in October I seemed happier. Granted, I met him at a weekend long camp out where I was ECSTATIC to be there and then I the next weekend I had not one but TWO 311 concerts to go to... it was an exciting point in my life. It still made me stop and think - what's different now from then?

I was eating well, I was working out and even though I had stalled out as far as my weight loss was going (yep, still yo-yoing the same freakin 5 lbs) I was motivated.

Around December I think there was a large part of me that was disappointed in myself that I hadn't met my goal a year later. I still deserve a freakin' pat on the back though for losing and keeping off 25 lbs consistently for a year, but I was burnt out and more than anything else I was disheartened.

Why can't I be more committed to this? I have ALL of the tools that I need, but I struggle, struggle, struggle.

Weight loss and a lifestyle change is no joke. It makes it even more complicated when you're a compulsive overeater/binge eater.

I know I've brushed over this topic before. I know people who don't suffer from it don't understand it - they look at you and say that you no will power; they say that you're lazy; they judge you.

Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder. Compulsive overeating is an ADDICTION. There I said it. I put it out there.

The difference between me and an alcoholic? Not much except for the fact that an alcoholic or a drug addict can make the CHOICE to stay away from alcohol for drugs. I HAVE to eat to live. Pretty effed up, huh?

I'm not looking to make excuses about "oh I have a disorder or I'm addicted to food" so that's why I'm overweight. It can't be something constantly blamed and used as a crutch. "Oh, it's okay to over eat because I have a problem. It's okay to not deal with my emotions because I'll just stuff them down. Literally."

Again, I have the tools to combat the issues, but it's realizing that I am human and I am not perfect and that no one else has a right to judge me about my decisions that I need to be okay with.

I also need to remember (as I've said over and over and over and over *insert hampster wheel HERE*) that until I REACH my goal, I cannot act like I am in maintainance mode. There are sacrifices I need to make, but I have had good practice maintaining.

I think it's time to sit down and REALISTICALLY assess what it is that I can do for myself. Things I need to do for myself. Things I NEED to make time for because those are committments. Those are things that get shit done. That is what makes a difference in both my HEALTH AND my HAPPINESS.

You know what's really great? Just when I'm wanting to kick start myself a challenge like this comes along from Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. So excited!