I haven't forgotten about you

Hello Again.

I have survived the land of school and work and made it through to Saturday. THANK GOD! What a week.... so Wednesday morning I weighed in.... 199!!!!! YEAH BOYYYYYY!!!!! I am really trying not to weigh in so much, but my therapist had said the week before she KNEW I would be in ONEderland by the following appointment so I really wanted to tell her YES! I DID IT! And not because I got wasted the night before.

My therapist is awesome. I don't think I mentioned her before. I have major compulsive overeating and binge issues. Back before I started the SBL I had looked into different therapists because I felt like seeing someone could help facilitate a PERMANENT change because I know a lot of my overeating/binging is psychological as well as learned (thanks Dad!). She specializes in women's issues and eating disorders. Not only that, but she lost 112 lbs and has kept it off for the past 6 years. I felt like I could work with someone who can empathize with me vs. sympathize. I am currently working on a workbook called "Food and Emotions" and as stupid or hokey as it sounds, it has really helped.

Thursday however was NOT such a great day. I had 2 conversations with friends that kind of put me in an emotional whirlwind. I felt emotionally all over the place. I felt bad about one instance that happened where a friend got mad at me at work for helping and took it as me trying to be bossy and make her feel stupid -- which was NOT my intention I was seriously trying to help her, and I apologized profusely but for whatever reason... it just made me feel shitty for the rest of the day. Combine that with lack of sleep (I went from about 7-9 hours of sleep every night to 5 hours of sleep between school and studying)... very long days.... and TOM coming next week... its was a volitile mix. So.... Thursday I did allow myself to FEEL my feelings... which means therapy is actually helping because I realized I was feeling UNCOMFORTABLE emotions vs. stuffing them down (literally). But, I was also very hungry leaving class and had not planned the night before for dinner... and did not feel like cooking, but KNEW I could do a grilled chicken sandwich on whole wheat from Chick Fil A. So I managed to JUSTIFY getting a fried chicken sandwich on whole wheat with cheese... with fries and a Diet Coke. I SCARFED the fries down on the way home, ate my sandwich when I got home... along with a bowl of soup and my mom's infamous "Dump Cake" dessert that she has not made in FOREVER. Then I felt even WORSE..... and was disappointed that while I recognized it was EMOTIONAL eating, I still allowed myself to do it. And I broke my one month streak of not having fast food.

Friday was just an INSANE day all around. I did feel much better emotionally, work was just bonkers. I am seriously blaming the solar eclipse. You know how us metaphysical people are... it's all about energy. And solar eclipse = very intense energy. Combined with a very HECTIC 2010 beginning... WHEW!!!! My friend Mikey and I were talking yesterday and he said it best.... 2010 is the year that will MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. And holy shit... it isn't playing!!!

Speaking of Mikey... Mikey and I have a very interesting relationship. I met him through a friend in Georgia mannnnnnnny moons ago. He was stationed in Columbus as he was in the Army. And there's always been this "thing" between the two of us. A very large dose of chemistry combined with always crossing the same paths in our lifetime. Many moons ago we were both into Wicca... and then when we reconnected we had both shifted into the enlightenment of Metaphysics. We've been wanting to meet up (he now lives in PA, I am in NC)... and I've partially been trying to hold him off because I am ashamed of my weight as it is much higher than it was mannnnny moons ago. He's not a superficial kind of guy but it's already going to be a little weird seeing him after so long... combined with being self conscious... combined with being even more self conscious due to weight -- let's hold this sucker off!!! I looked at my school schedule and it was either V-Day weekend... or sometime in April. So I offered up April. To which he agreed. The weekend of the 17th to be exact which gives me 90 days. 90 FREAKING DAYS.

My goal -- 20 lbs. My wish -- 30 lbs. Which is doable, but it's going to take dedication. So dear readers, we shall see on April 15th when I weigh in. I will weigh in tomorrow to see EXACTLY how far I have to go. For now.... at my most recent weigh in of 199... that would be me down to 179. My WISH would be 169.... which would also only be 19 lbs away from my first BIG goal (but not final) as well as having LOST 40 lbs. Obviously over half way to goal. And that would be pretty kick ass. But that's going to mean DISCIPLINE,DISCIPLINE AND MORE DISCIPLINE. Maybe that's what 2010 is doing for me... it is making shit happen in the form of discipline. "Stop putting it off, you've done it long enough, you've talked about it long enough... time to make shit happen!!!" And HOLY SHIT! I might just be LOSING IT! ;)

I am going to the library to do some studying... away from laptops, facebook, tv, kitties that I love so dearly and want to snuggle with especially as a distraction of what I am supposed to be doing... away from the Grey's Anatomy of this week I haven't watched yet and am anxiously awaiting.... and away from this procrastination I have succumbed to all morning. However, it IS Saturday morning... and I deserve a little relaxation time after my heavy week, right?

I hope you all are doing well and are enjoying your journey. Thanks for stopping by!!!