I'm going down swinging...

Man, what a rocky couple of days. I'm sure I've alluded to it a few times, but I work for a school system. The last few weeks is always the worst. Kids have spring fever, I have spring fever, kids are ready to be done with school, adults are ready for kids to be done with school and to top it all off all of the adults in the building are sick and tired of each other as well. It's like a snowball rolling downhill of people becoming progressively grumpier and grumpier.

There was one day where I was pissed and had enough. Then yesterday I was so mad I really thought my head was going to spin around like the girl in The Exorcist and I was going to spew split pea soup everywhere. I haven't been that mad in a LONG time.

There have been some valuable lessons this week though.

I went to the gym on Tuesday. I worked out for 40 minutes. I felt SO much better. I know that even though I was dragging my feet to get there I still ended up leaving there feeling like a different person. The frustrations of the day melted away as the sweat dripped down my back.

I HAVE to remind myself of that feeling.

So Monday and Wednesday I opted for no gym. Today I have my bag packed and will be heading over when I leave work.

Eating has been okay but not perfect by anymeans. There's an effort there and for me, right now, that's what counts.

One of the other big lessons for the week has been about recognizing my emotions when I binge. Monday night I had dinner and was still kind of hungry. I tried to allow my stomach to catch up with my brain since I tend to scarf down food and not really enjoy it or give my body time to recognize whether or not I'm full. One of my friends came over and I gave him the other cheeseburger (grilled at home with a whole wheat sandwich thin ;) ) that I had contemplated eating. We sat around and played some cards and when he left I decided to delve into part of what I had packed for lunch the next day.

Who the hell does that?!?!?!!

I consciously recognized what I was doing yet I didn't have the power to stop myself. BUT... I guess the breakthrough here is that I RECOGNIZED the emotion that I was feeling and what I was "stuffing down."

Sounds kind of weird considering the fact that I "chose" to do it anyway, but sometimes recognition, no matter what the outcome is the BIGGEST milestone one can have. Kind of like AA - The first step is being willing to admit that you have a problem.

Now one of the other things I'm dealing with this week is how to step out of my comfort zone. I realize that as I've gained a little more weight lately I have become more self conscious than I was 10 lbs ago. (Yes, that's right ladies and gents.... the scale gave me a whopping 186.4 the other morning when I stepped on it. A 10 lb gain from last July. SERIOUSLY, self?!?!?! I digress...) Granted, I'm not in a depression like I was when I started this journey and I have done a really fabulous job of branching out and making lots of new friends, but I just don't FEEL great. I look in the mirror and it's "Ohhhh my tummy is getting bigger" or whatever else that is bothering me and I pick myself apart. This in turn causes me to back away from some things.

One of the reasons I joined my gym was because not only is the facility AMAZING (which it is although I have come to LOATHE the company since they fucked me over big time) but they offer lots of classes. I thought that would keep my motivation going if I was tired of just doing cardio/weights/personal training. The truth is it probably would. I will be the first to admit... I am chicken shit when it comes to going to these classes by myself. I am CLUMSY (don't even get me started on what happened as I was attempting to leave my house this morning) and afraid I will either face plant or do something completely WRONG and have the instructor call me out on it. Granted, this would probably never happen, but in my head I have built it up into somehow I will manage to single myself out and I will then pee my pants. Simliar to Mrs. Fatass's story about going to noisy Zumba. (Although she didn't lose any bodily funtions THIS time.) She and Drazil have both made posts recently about how they stepped out of their comfort zone and they didn't die. They didn't even break out into hives (which thankfully does not happen to me to begin with).

Unfortunately the classes at the gym I go to don't start until 4:30 on some days (which is doable) or 5:30 on others. I am at the gym by 3:45. There are few days when I work out for an hour and a half. Even then, that's a long time to work out and hang around to do a 45 minute class. I have a feeling if I go home and sit down I won't make it back out to the gym again and I'm not a fan of workout DVDs. So what do I do?

Like I put in my post earlier this week - this lifestyle change is about COMMITMENT. Whether it's waking up at 4:30 to be at the gym in time to work out BEFORE work (which I still haven't done cause that's not my cup of tea) or making time after you work a full time job and a part time job or squeezing it inbetween. If you want it you have to go after it and you have to MAKE time for it in your schedule. It's not going to fit itself in.

My roommate goes to a different gym down the road. They offer a free 3 day trial pass that I am going to use next week to take some classes with her. I feel like if I at least go to a class one with someone I will have a better idea of what it entails when I take my chicken self to the class at my gym next time.

There's also a gym that I go to down the street from where I live that would be convenient to go "back" to for a class opposed to a 25 minute drive back to the gym I go to regularly now. It's still about making the commitment.

So here is to you and here is to ME ---- for learning how to embrace imperfection and making the best of it. It may be a bumpy ride but we're figuring it out.