Wow, I remember what it feels like to breathe again

Happy Monday Everyone!

Man, weekends never are long enough and the week days never are short enough! Welcome back to Monday!

I haven't posted since last Wednesday because let's face it, I lead a pretty boring life and there just isn't much to post about.

I have finally decided to drop my Anatomy class. At first I was really upset because I felt like I was throwing in the towel. I felt like for the steps I've been able to forge ahead over the years I was suddenly repeating my first and second go-round at college.

I bit off more than even I can chew.

I work 40 hours a week. I had one class I was teaching myself online. 1 class I had to go ON campus for 2 days a week. One of which didn't put me out of class most nights until 9pm. It makes for a long day and I just don't have the time, dedication or motivation to study. If I didn't like sleep, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but I do.... and I like not feeling like my head is going to explode 24/7.

Because I'm attempting to get into a COMPETATIVE nursing program (which most are) I would rather take the withdrawal and have a good grade later than flounder and get a horrible grade this semester. I really underestimated how labor intensive this class would be. Don't get me wrong, I know the body is an incredible machine with 20384204892834 parts, but DANG!

Saturday I went to hang out with my brother. I took the weekend to ENJOY ont being buried in my books over my head. It was nice. Minus the fact that I drank too much and ate badly. I had a few mixed drinks, fried chicken tenders and some fries. However, if we can at least talk about SMALL changes.... I didn't eat all of my fries even though I really wanted to.

In looking at my weight log I realized I only lost 3.5 lbs in the past month which is a HUGE RED FLAG that "HEY, YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!" Which really translates into those little cheats here and there... yeah.... they show up on the scale goofy.

I busted my "LIST" of ALLOWED Lifestyle foods and foods that should be avoided and gave those a once over.

Last night I made a taco casserole which was good, but I made it a little different this time and there was a huge difference. That will be lunch for a few days. Yogurt and granola this morning. Maybe a salad or chicken for dinner tonight.

I really want to start looking at my calorie/nutrient intake. Now that I have a little more time I full intend on doing that. For my nutrition class I wrote a paper on sodium content and was FLOORED that if you eat ONE can of green beans (of course all foods that are processed/pre-packaged have a ton of sodium) it almost puts you at your daily allowance of sodium for the day. Did you hear me? ONE CAN!!!! It was 3.5 servings of green beans in the can. 390mg of sodium PER serving which puts it at just over 1300 mg of sodium. You are allowed 1500-2500 (if you're under 50) PER DAY. Holy cow!

Also, I'm thinking about picking up the Couch to 5K program again. I had started it before the holidays and only made it through 3 weeks. I was already contemplating it, but there may be some motivation from Mrs. Fatass over at Did I Just Eat That Out Loud?

Oh, and the exciting news for the day? I weighed at 193.5 this morning. I was 193.5 on Saturday morning but due to my poor choices Satur-DAY I was at 195.5 yesterday. I will be taking 193.5 as official weigh in this week as TOM should be here within the next 2-3 days. Oh joy!

Period or no period.... I will NOT allow this to make me lazy or use it as an excuse to be discouraged, eat poorly or give up. I will work hard this week. Even if my weight goes UP this week, I know I will see it go DOWN next week.

No excuses.

I will be seeing a friend of mine in Charlotte in 12 days! YOWZA!

I will be in Atlanta in a month.

I will be seeing another friend in April.

Plenty of motivation for the taking... eye on the prize, eye on the prize.

Hump Day.... Let's Just Hope We're Over The Hump!

Hello again ladies and gents!

I am happy to report that officially for the week I have had a loss. Sunday I weighed in at 195.0 and this morning I weighed in at 194.5.

The first time I stepped on the scale at 192.0. I always step on the scale and get the same reading 3 times in order to take it as an ACTUAL reading. Obviously the 192 didn't stick, but it was still nice to see that it exists on my scale.

So far I've lost a total of 13 pounds. I'm pretty excited about that. That means that I only have 2.5 to lose until I take my next progress pictures!!!! I also took my measurements this weekend and will post them later. That also means I'm only 7 pounds away from losing the first 10% of my body weight.

I've been really stressed out about school so hopefully in the next 2 weeks or so I'll have a little relief.

Sorry I don't have any fun, exciting or insightful to report.

I'll keep checking in.

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying this journey!!!

Whew... I'm still here

Sorry for the lack of posts here recently. Life is busy and posting is definitely the last thing on my mind.

As you can see by my weigh ins, I've been struggling with weight fluctuation combined with the scale not really moving so I've been REALLLLLLY annoyed lately.

This week sucked. Just a long week combined with craziness at work and tests this week to boot. It's sufficient to say I have been STRESSED. I don't like feeling like this, but then again, who really does?

Thursday I had a melt down and after BOMBING the crap out of my test and knowing I did so I opted for Chinese food. Sweet, glorious, fatty, MSG filled comfort food. I paid for it too the next morning with my oncoming migraine that was so nicely triggered by the MSG in the food.

I said I wasn't going to eat my left overs and I was going to be OP all day. I did pretty well, including a nice yummy salad for lunch. I'm sure you won't be surprised that the left over chinese was had for dinner. Poor planning on my part, but I didn't eat the rice. I did eat the left over egg roll though.

Yesterday wasn't so bad. I'm still not eating in the morning which is part of my battle. For lunch I had some whole wheat mac and cheese. For dinner I had... are you ready for this? Drum roll please...


HOMEMADE PIZZA! I know you guys are tired of hearing about the damn thing!!!

Ingredients were as follows: whole wheat dough, pesto sauce, fresh garlic minced, basil, italian herbs, mozerella cheese, fontina cheese, fresh baby spinach, baby bella mushrooms, one small tomato sliced and black olives. It was amazing!





Yeah, that pic was also taken with my BRAND NEW NIKON!!! Thank you tax returns!!! :) That's another post in and of itself.

I also had 2 glasses of wine last night. Finished the piece of LOW-CARB cheesecake my parents brought me (no lie, it really was low carb from the Cheesecake Factory and OMG YUM!] And there may or may not have been some runt like sweet tarts consumed. OOps.

This morning I weighed in. Thinking that I have gained 2308994 pounds because my eating has been off and I don't feel so great physically so I'm convinced that since I feel like BLAH and the scale and I have been fighting its only going to move up.


Nope, 195.0. How in the hell? I have no idea, but I WILL TAKE IT.

Which is just in time to motivate me that this afternoon when my parents, brother and I go to the Mexican restaurant for lunch. I *WILL* resist the chips, salsa and queso. These things are the bane of my existance and to be honest I'm dreading the fight I'm about to have. *pouts* However, I had CHINESE AND PIZZA this weekend. I need to keep that in the back of my head. Also, chips/salsa/queso are not going to help facilitate the movement on the scale in the right direction.

As it stands right now I would LOVE to be able to lose another 10 lbs this month. Jan-Feb didn't prove to be so hot, but I'm not at 207.5 like I was back in December so I'm really excited about that.

March 14th I WILL be at 185 (or lighter0.

Which would put me at a goal of being 175 (vs 170, still hoping for that though) in April when I see Mike.

Hopefully there won't be another week like this in the future.

Since I've beat myself up here I think it's only fair that I give myself a few pats on the back. One of which was that I MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT on V-Day candy at work. I work at a school so I got a few treats from parents (including a SOLID MILK CHOC. GODIVA CANDY BAR) and kids. You have NO idea how much it hurt my feelings to give that Godiva bar away. I didn't even bring it home for my mom. So, big pat on my own back for that hurdle.


I went and backtracked my posts on 3FC and found that between Jan-March of 2009 my lowest weight was 181.5. Therefore, I know I can get there... and it's really NOT that far away.

---------------

I am now back from Mexican V-day lunch with my parents.

I am PROUD to report that I did NOT have a single chip (salsa or queso). I had civiche and refried beans. The beans were crazy salty for some reason today. I had 2 of the HUGE red plastic Coke glasses full of water. Then on the way home my dad stopped for ice cream and I also refused. So... double pat on the back. :)

I'm off to guy buy my MEGA SUPER FABULOUS sunglasses. Check in with you guys later!!!

Confessions....

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...


Okay it's not really that kind of confession, but I do have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I'm going to ask you to forgive the ranting I'm about to do.

For the most part I have been very encouraged by this process of lifestyle change. I have to thank my lovely ladies over at www.3fatchicks.com in the 20s something forum. Those ladies really do help keep me in check! It's a great sense of accountability. We lift each other up when we're down, we encourage each other daily and it's just an all around great group of girls.

This week has been the hardest week of my weight loss journey since I started the week before Christmas.

Last week wasn't good eating wise and the scale showed that. I didn't eat enough, I didn't eat enough veggies and while I didn't GAIN, I didn't lose either. I am so very tired of seeing 195.5. Now, I don't think I'm at some kind of plateau, I just think that I didn't lose because my body is in starvation mode vs. metabolism mode.

I drank a TON of water yesterday, I ate well... well, I'll save that story for later in this rant, and today I stepped on the scale. 197.5. WTF.

I know that it is probably water retention. I certainly didn't eat 23948348 calories yesterday causing an overnight gain of 2 lbs. The last thing I wanted to see was 195.5, much less 197.5. I guess you should be careful what you wish for, eh?

Another part of me knows that I struggle with the scale obsession. It constantly moves up and down. Sometimes giving a false hope, sometimes giving a false sense of discouragement. Hence the reason why my therapist (and most people) discourage weighing more than once a week. I really do try to keep it to a dull roar. Offical weigh in is on Wednesday, I like to weigh on Saturday or Sunday for a "mid week" update. I really don't think there's much harm in twice a week, HOWEVER, every day this week has NOT been good for my psyche.

Yesterday I had string cheese for breakfast, 2 cups of coffee, 6 glasses of water (and was peeing ever 5 minutes!), boiled shrimp for lunch.... and then I decided to kill my stomach. My afternoon snack when I got home was green beans. Not a big deal, but then I was still hungry so I ate some butter beans as well. Now, I already knew that was going to wreak havoc on the system because I put a BUNCH of fiber in it all at once, but hey, couldn't be that bad? Right? Right!

Until I saw and opened my package of the Asher's sugar free candy bars made with sugar alcohol. Some of you may be aware that any time you eat thing with sugar alcohol... it can cause a lot of gas or an upset stomach. Much like when you add in fiber, you evntaully get used it, so you just grin and bear it. Those are my sweet treats that get me through most of my cravings. Yes, they're a little high in carbs and probably aren't on the SBD list, but it's my guilty pleasure in this journey. I think I at least deserve that.

So... lots of veggies + candy bar with sugar alcohol was probably already NOT the smartest idea.

To top it off (this shows you how crazy I was yesterday apparently) I ate a bowl of my mom's hot and sour soup and a small portion of my Jumbasta. Full of tobasco sauce and poblano peppers.

This meant DISASTER.

And I paid for it... and paid for it some more last night. When I thought I couldn't go any more my stomach just grumbled at me disappointment.

I am left wondering if because I cleaned my system out so much it cause some kind of water retention this morning? Maybe it was the sodium. Who knows, but I WON'T be doing THAT again. Yuck.


I feel like I definitely have not planned enough for the week. I mean, what I've eaten is on plan, but I really need to start eating MORE often. Regardless, it's frustrating.

Last night Jenn, my friend's gf from ATL that came in town the other week, posted up pictures from the trip.

I'm weird about pictures. I am notoriously known for stealing a camera when people aren't looking and deleting what I consider to be "unbecoming" photos. I rarely take full body photos and I know how to angle the camera just right to make my face look thinner. That's what this fat ass does to make herself feel better.

Well, I didn't get that luxery. A few of the pictures were good, some of them I just looked and said "wow, I really thought I looked better... what are people going to think when they see how BIG I am?"

I really had to resist the temptation to untag myself in some of the pictures.

I didn't. You know why? Because last night, no matter how much I was beating myself up, no matter how much I hated myself... I realized I am who I am. If you don't like me you don't like me. My happiness is based on me, myself and I. Id, Ego, Super Ego. That's between me and me... not me and you. Go fuck yourself otherwise.

I think that a part of me feels like I've already lost 12 lbs and maybe I should look better?

Maybe I'm disappointed to not see a bigger change.

However, I'm not letting it break me. I am not letting myself get in my own head and say throw in the towel because I didn't see a loss in those pictures or I didn't see a loss on the scale this week.

I didn't see a TRUE gain either.

Instead, this needs to be my encouragement.

The positive side of this is that because I do not take very many full length pictures (aside from my oh so fabulous "before" pictures).... in 4 months I would like to look back on Jenn's pictures and say "LOOK HOW FAR I'VE COME! I'm not that person anymore!"

Keep on keepin' on everyone!

Just another Manic Monday....

GOOD MORNING PEOPLE!!!

Welcome to a fabulous Monday. [No sarcasm there.... seriously!]

I was holding out on updating because I was really hoping to be able to say I'd lost weight. I'm still holding out at 195.5 (disappointingly).

However, my stall has really taught me a few things about my body and I'm happy that I've actually REALIZED what's going on.

Last week I was on plan, but I wasn't eating as often as I should. There was one day where I didn't have anything to eat (thanks to forgetting my wallet) until about 2:30 in the afternoon. Even then I don't think it really constitutes as much of anything. I ate a pack of cheese crackers because I was hungry and had class and knew I wouldn't be home until late. I didn't eat a "full meal" until after 7:30 at night.

I've never been much of a breakfast person. Sometimes I find myself hungry on the weekends, probably because I've slept later, but even as a child/teenager I was never a fan of eating first thing. I would have to choke something down and generally didn't like having to do that because it didn't make me feel good. However, when I eat first thing in the morning I find myself HUNGRY a few hours later, meaning my metabolism is *gasp*... WORKING!

Not only have I been skipping breakfast, I haven't been snacking much because I'm not hungry... meaning I haven't been eating my veggies. [One of my favorite snacks is green beans!]

Friday night I made an AMAZING JAMBASTA (jumbalaya pasta), but it was HEAVY in sodium (thank you turkey kielbasa). At first I was hoping the sodium was part of the issue, but I made a point to keep my sodium down yesterday and drink TONS of water. Still the same weight so I can't hide behind THAT anymore.

This morning I grabbed a container of yogurt for breakfast and a little bit of granola. Granola isn't on plan, but I really need a little something to go in it. Whether its a banana or yogurt I'm just not a fan of yogurt by itself.

I get to work, I'm having a fabulous morning (still am, don't get me wrong). I get my office cleared out (it's hectic from 7:15-8:30) and decide it's time for breakfast. I go and grab my yogurt, pour in my granola, take a bite and....


BLECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *gags* *coughs* *gags again*

No, it hadn't gone bad (give me a break, I checked the label BEFORE I packed it with my lunch this morning)it was nonfat (holy 12g of sugars!)PLAIN yogurt. Which meant it tastes like ass! It literally has a yogurt consistency but tastes strangely like sour cream.

That went in the trash and I opted for some string cheese instead.

Operation Dance Party is underway. I danced both Saturday and Sunday for 10 minutes straight with intermittent dancing around the house. Parentals were gone so I was able to bump my studio monitors which sound AMAZING!!!! :) I finally got an RCA cord to hook my laptop/ipod up to the monitors so I'm in heaven right now.

Now granted, I was bouncing around all over the place but DANG I'm out of shape... I was breaking a sweat after 10 minutes, which is good because the whole point is to GET YOUR HEART RATE UP, right?


I did have a mini breakdown yesterday afternoon. I will refer to it as an existential crisis because, honest to God, I do have those quite often. It wasn't food related, it was triggered by missing some friends and finding out one may be moving, etc. I was upset and generally down and having the whole "where am I going? Am I on the right path? I'm overwhelmed! Do I really want to go back to school?" combined with "WHY did I agree to these lessons this lifetime, etc."

I picked myself up, I brushed myself off and I have to say... this quote helped me out TREMENDOUSLY.

"This is a time of great change. Change is merely Shiva's dance. Lower self is overwhelmed. Higher self is unmoved. Follow your heart and you will rise above the challenge of change." -Babaji

I will leave you all with that today. Really think about that.

Have a GREAT week everyone!!! :)

Dance Party? Why yes thank you!

I've been thinking. *wheels screeeeeeech!*

No, no, don't be scared. Well, sometimes you should be scared when I start thinking because I think entirely too much and it's going to be a random thought process and will probably make you think I've lost my damn mind, but... not today.

Not yet, anyway.

I LOVE music. I know this sounds like a very generic statement and it probably makes you say "Yeah, you and me both. What's your point?" Seriously. I LOVE MUSIC. It has always puzzled me when people say "they don't like music." Who doesn't like music?

Two weekends ago I spent about 3 hours sitting in my room, headphones on, no one home, singing my little heart out and you would've thought I had gone on vacation. I slowed down and enjoyed myself and took some time to do something that makes ME happy. Nothing I felt like I "had" to do. Something I enjoy doing. Something I am passionate about. I take pride in the fact that I am known for being one of the most knowledgable people about music that I enjoy.

I also love to dance. After many years being a party kid *gasp... you mean "raver?!?!?!"* I still have no problem throwing down in my house and having my very own dance party. I love music. I love to dance. What more can a girl ask for? [Nevermind, that's a loaded question and another a post for another day.]

With all of that being said... what makes more sense than to DANCE for exercise each day?

I've been dragging my feet with the exercise. I'm lazy. I'm busy with school and I'm busy facebooking... yeah, I'll get real with you guys for a minute... and I just don't want to exercise even though I KNOW it makes me feel 23094820498234 times better. I really just cannot come home from work/school and sit down. I have to go change clothes and get straight to working out otherwise I lose all locomotion.

My 30 day experiment is this:

10 minutes (minimum) dance party EVERY DAY for 30 days starting tomorrow (Saturday Feb 6).

I wanna see how I feel, if it helps this weight come off any faster and to see if I can make it a habit to dance.

[and NO, I never watched that show "Dance Your A$$ Off." ]

In other news I really have to buckle down for school. I've been playing and being preoccupied a LITTTTLE too much and not really buckling down enough on the weekends like I should. I have 2 tests next week and I think this sleep thing... that I love so dearly is going to have to take a back seat to study time.

Hope everyone is having a GREAT Friday!!!!

Where's my brain? I think it's defrosting with the snow...

I CANNOT believe that I forgot to post this sooner!

The other day I was pulling a pair of jeans out of my closet and saw a pair hanging that fit before I put all of this weight on. I'm not talking they fit when I weighed 160, but they fit when I was in the 180s for sure.

A little while ago I had tried them on just to see HOW MUCH weight I'd gained (as if the number on the scale wasn't scary enough) and of course, they didn't fit. I could pull them on, but they wouldn't button.

I've been noticing a lately how my clothes fit better. I'm very conscious of my body so I am also very conscious of how my body FEELS in regards to the weight around my belly. These little Non-Scale Victories as we call them (NSV) are the motivation that keeps us going even when the scale isn't moving or isn't our friends.

I decided for the hell of it to put them on and see if they fit any better....

I slid them on.

I ZIPPED THEM UP.

I BUTTONED THEM!

Now, there was definitely some muffin top going on. I won't be wearing them out in public anytime soon, BUT... THEY FIT (ish) AGAIN!

Again, just goes to show that even though I don't see the change in my body per say, I feel it and can physically see it when I can fit into clothes that weren't so flattering 12 lbs ago.

WAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Now, if I can just fit into the magical khakis I love so much.

That's a ways off, but damn I love those pants!!!!! I guess the jeans will have to suffice in the mean time! :)

Weigh-In Wednesday

Hi Everyone!

Let me tell you, I am glad it's Wednesday and this week is half way over. We got about 5 inches of snow and I'm tired of it. Tropical people don't like snow. As one of my friends said, I think I may just move to the equator.

Don't get me wrong, snow is cool, snow is pretty and snow in small doses is fun. Snow is NOT fun when you're stuck in your house for 3 days, school is cancelled, you are going crazy and the entire town SHUTS DOWN. Yuck!

Luckily I've been able to get to work for the past 2 days so I've gotten out. Meredith and I even stopped by the mall yesterday and I was able to find a kick ass Free Tibet (atually it says Save Tibet) sticker.

I was hoping to lose another .5 between Sunday and today. Just didn't happen. I'm going to partially blame that on the chocolate I got into the other day (yes, I will admit it... I had 5 pieces of Bliss white chocolate candy and it was effing amazing!). I haven't had quite enough veggies... and now I'm beginning to wonder if my mom's super fabulous dessert she made is part of the problem. Dang. Cause it's really good.

You guys should try it sometime ... it's super easy to make and it's REALLLLY yummy, especially if you like tart stuff. I'm the weirdo kid that would eat lemons like oranges as a kid. I still do on ocassion, but my mom stopped letting me have them as often when our dentist friend mentioned something about the acid eating the enamel. FOILED!!!

Take two packages of Sugar Free Cool Whip,
1 pre made pie crust and
1 container of sugar free lemonade mix. (Like 1 of the crystal light packages you would use to make a pitcher of lemonade).

Mix the cool whip and the DRY lemonade mix together, put it in your pie pan and then stick it in the freezer. It ends up makeing this super yummy frozen goodness so you don't eat it too quick and you have a sweet and sour mix of pie. Plus it's all sugar free (you could do it with regular cool whip or fat free, whatever works for your lifestyle).

A few of my coworkers and I were going to go out for lunch today, but our other coworker brought her fur baby (dog) with her so we may just order in. They mentioned pizza and I'm really hoping for NO. They also mentioned a few delis around here so hopefully I can behave myself. Especially after the disappointment of having the .5 stick around a little longer.

Don't get the wrong impression, I'm really not beating myself up, I'm just trying to stay focused. I'm ECSTATIC over the 2 lbs this week and will GLADLY take that! :)

I'll let you guys know how lunch today goes. I'm mostly just ECSTATIC that I'm out of my house.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYONE!