I'm going down swinging...

Man, what a rocky couple of days. I'm sure I've alluded to it a few times, but I work for a school system. The last few weeks is always the worst. Kids have spring fever, I have spring fever, kids are ready to be done with school, adults are ready for kids to be done with school and to top it all off all of the adults in the building are sick and tired of each other as well. It's like a snowball rolling downhill of people becoming progressively grumpier and grumpier.

There was one day where I was pissed and had enough. Then yesterday I was so mad I really thought my head was going to spin around like the girl in The Exorcist and I was going to spew split pea soup everywhere. I haven't been that mad in a LONG time.

There have been some valuable lessons this week though.

I went to the gym on Tuesday. I worked out for 40 minutes. I felt SO much better. I know that even though I was dragging my feet to get there I still ended up leaving there feeling like a different person. The frustrations of the day melted away as the sweat dripped down my back.

I HAVE to remind myself of that feeling.

So Monday and Wednesday I opted for no gym. Today I have my bag packed and will be heading over when I leave work.

Eating has been okay but not perfect by anymeans. There's an effort there and for me, right now, that's what counts.

One of the other big lessons for the week has been about recognizing my emotions when I binge. Monday night I had dinner and was still kind of hungry. I tried to allow my stomach to catch up with my brain since I tend to scarf down food and not really enjoy it or give my body time to recognize whether or not I'm full. One of my friends came over and I gave him the other cheeseburger (grilled at home with a whole wheat sandwich thin ;) ) that I had contemplated eating. We sat around and played some cards and when he left I decided to delve into part of what I had packed for lunch the next day.

Who the hell does that?!?!?!!

I consciously recognized what I was doing yet I didn't have the power to stop myself. BUT... I guess the breakthrough here is that I RECOGNIZED the emotion that I was feeling and what I was "stuffing down."

Sounds kind of weird considering the fact that I "chose" to do it anyway, but sometimes recognition, no matter what the outcome is the BIGGEST milestone one can have. Kind of like AA - The first step is being willing to admit that you have a problem.

Now one of the other things I'm dealing with this week is how to step out of my comfort zone. I realize that as I've gained a little more weight lately I have become more self conscious than I was 10 lbs ago. (Yes, that's right ladies and gents.... the scale gave me a whopping 186.4 the other morning when I stepped on it. A 10 lb gain from last July. SERIOUSLY, self?!?!?! I digress...) Granted, I'm not in a depression like I was when I started this journey and I have done a really fabulous job of branching out and making lots of new friends, but I just don't FEEL great. I look in the mirror and it's "Ohhhh my tummy is getting bigger" or whatever else that is bothering me and I pick myself apart. This in turn causes me to back away from some things.

One of the reasons I joined my gym was because not only is the facility AMAZING (which it is although I have come to LOATHE the company since they fucked me over big time) but they offer lots of classes. I thought that would keep my motivation going if I was tired of just doing cardio/weights/personal training. The truth is it probably would. I will be the first to admit... I am chicken shit when it comes to going to these classes by myself. I am CLUMSY (don't even get me started on what happened as I was attempting to leave my house this morning) and afraid I will either face plant or do something completely WRONG and have the instructor call me out on it. Granted, this would probably never happen, but in my head I have built it up into somehow I will manage to single myself out and I will then pee my pants. Simliar to Mrs. Fatass's story about going to noisy Zumba. (Although she didn't lose any bodily funtions THIS time.) She and Drazil have both made posts recently about how they stepped out of their comfort zone and they didn't die. They didn't even break out into hives (which thankfully does not happen to me to begin with).

Unfortunately the classes at the gym I go to don't start until 4:30 on some days (which is doable) or 5:30 on others. I am at the gym by 3:45. There are few days when I work out for an hour and a half. Even then, that's a long time to work out and hang around to do a 45 minute class. I have a feeling if I go home and sit down I won't make it back out to the gym again and I'm not a fan of workout DVDs. So what do I do?

Like I put in my post earlier this week - this lifestyle change is about COMMITMENT. Whether it's waking up at 4:30 to be at the gym in time to work out BEFORE work (which I still haven't done cause that's not my cup of tea) or making time after you work a full time job and a part time job or squeezing it inbetween. If you want it you have to go after it and you have to MAKE time for it in your schedule. It's not going to fit itself in.

My roommate goes to a different gym down the road. They offer a free 3 day trial pass that I am going to use next week to take some classes with her. I feel like if I at least go to a class one with someone I will have a better idea of what it entails when I take my chicken self to the class at my gym next time.

There's also a gym that I go to down the street from where I live that would be convenient to go "back" to for a class opposed to a 25 minute drive back to the gym I go to regularly now. It's still about making the commitment.

So here is to you and here is to ME ---- for learning how to embrace imperfection and making the best of it. It may be a bumpy ride but we're figuring it out.

Round 5,367

You know what the great thing about being a human being is? We're fallible. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. We struggle.

I feel like I'm a little hampster on a wheel - spinning round and round. I say the same things over and over, I want to make the same commitments over and over... yet when I fail in the least bit I get discouraged and throw in the towel completely. It's that whole "I just ate a meal of stuff I 'SHOULDN'T' so I'm going to scrap the rest of the day because I've already messed up" mind set. In truth it should be, "I didn't make the best choices, but that doesn't mean I have to continue to make bad choices" mentality.

My friend Phil mentioned to me the other day that when he met me in October I seemed happier. Granted, I met him at a weekend long camp out where I was ECSTATIC to be there and then I the next weekend I had not one but TWO 311 concerts to go to... it was an exciting point in my life. It still made me stop and think - what's different now from then?

I was eating well, I was working out and even though I had stalled out as far as my weight loss was going (yep, still yo-yoing the same freakin 5 lbs) I was motivated.

Around December I think there was a large part of me that was disappointed in myself that I hadn't met my goal a year later. I still deserve a freakin' pat on the back though for losing and keeping off 25 lbs consistently for a year, but I was burnt out and more than anything else I was disheartened.

Why can't I be more committed to this? I have ALL of the tools that I need, but I struggle, struggle, struggle.

Weight loss and a lifestyle change is no joke. It makes it even more complicated when you're a compulsive overeater/binge eater.

I know I've brushed over this topic before. I know people who don't suffer from it don't understand it - they look at you and say that you no will power; they say that you're lazy; they judge you.

Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder. Compulsive overeating is an ADDICTION. There I said it. I put it out there.

The difference between me and an alcoholic? Not much except for the fact that an alcoholic or a drug addict can make the CHOICE to stay away from alcohol for drugs. I HAVE to eat to live. Pretty effed up, huh?

I'm not looking to make excuses about "oh I have a disorder or I'm addicted to food" so that's why I'm overweight. It can't be something constantly blamed and used as a crutch. "Oh, it's okay to over eat because I have a problem. It's okay to not deal with my emotions because I'll just stuff them down. Literally."

Again, I have the tools to combat the issues, but it's realizing that I am human and I am not perfect and that no one else has a right to judge me about my decisions that I need to be okay with.

I also need to remember (as I've said over and over and over and over *insert hampster wheel HERE*) that until I REACH my goal, I cannot act like I am in maintainance mode. There are sacrifices I need to make, but I have had good practice maintaining.

I think it's time to sit down and REALISTICALLY assess what it is that I can do for myself. Things I need to do for myself. Things I NEED to make time for because those are committments. Those are things that get shit done. That is what makes a difference in both my HEALTH AND my HAPPINESS.

You know what's really great? Just when I'm wanting to kick start myself a challenge like this comes along from Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. So excited!

CHA-CHA-CHA-CHANGES!

Personally I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. Mostly because mine never come to fruition so I just gave up on them many moons ago, but I do believe in reassessing and writing down goals. Last year I had a whole list of goals. I did not accomplish all of those goals, but the ones I did I'm really excited about. If nothing else it was a great exercise about setting out intentions and about being specific with them (although in my case this year my lack of being specific worked out brilliantly!).

I will admit that the holidays were a wash. As much as I had managed to motivate myself it deteriorated and was side swiped by foods that I wanted to eat and I'll admit that on my 10 days off of work over the holidays there was A LOT of alcohol consumed.... and NO gym.

So here are some things that I am working on... they are GOALS, not resolutions.

I stepped on the scale Tuesday morning and it read 188 (let me tell you how HORRIFIED I was to see that I had gained almost 10 lbs!). Granted, TOM is supposed to be here any minute, but still. EEK! Time to get my butt in gear!

THIS YEAR I WILL LOSE AT LEAST 40 lbs. That would have me sitting at about 145. I can ammend from there as I don't really know how I will look at this weight because I don't ever remember being at that weight, at least not in my adult life.

I am refocusing mostly on my eating. I was doing South Beach which I like because as long as it's on plan I can essentially eat however much I want, but part of healthy eating is not OVER eating.

For the next month and a half I am not consuming any alcohol. I want to see how it affects my weight loss efforts and it will save money as well.

I am currently taking a month off from my trainer for financial purposes. Working for the state I only get paid monthly and there are 6 weeks between pay checks in December and the end of January. I am not forcing myself to go to the gym 5 days a week but that is the overall goal. 3 at the minimum.

I will go from there. Basically I'm trying to get back on track without causing myself to get burnt out or overwhelemd.

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One of my a-ha moments for this week was that I realized I am not eating enough during the day. By the time I get home (work out or no work out) I am ready to eat the whole house. After a work out I'm thinking about eating the house and my cats.

My biggest meal has ALWAYS been dinner. I have to start eating breakfast and incorporating more snacks into my diet. At the peak of my weight loss I was eating every few hours. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. I definitely need to add more protein into my daily diet as well.

I know I have been going back and forth for so long about whether or not I want to count calories. I did WW before and was successful while I kept up with it. I just don't like the monotony of weighing, measuring and calculating. However, we ALL know that the simple equation is CALORIES IN VS. CALORIES OUT. DUH!

I have started posting on 3FC again. That's a HUGE part of my success and accountability, but I do know that I miss the accountability of seeing my therapist. I am currently considering Weight Watchers meetings. I've heard varying opinions on those. Any thoughts?

So yeah -- BACK ON TRACK. I don't want to spend another summer fat and this girl def doesn't wanna be buried in her fat pants!!!

.+*LATER NEVER EXISTS*+.