Possibly getting back to where I was?

WOW! I just looked over at my weigh in log... Do you know it took me ONE MONTH to set myself back straight again? Do you know that could have been one month I was focused and continued to lose?


But you know what? The important lesson here is that I got back on track, even if it did take a month. So I'm pretty happy about THAT aspect of it at least.

I joined a new gym yesterday. I am SOOOOO excited. It's a big chain and its more expensive than my other gym but it has soooo much more that it offers. They have a boat load of various classes which was my main thing. I really want to go try some out for a few different reasons. 1) To change up my routine and keep myself interested 2) I know I will push myself harder if I am in a class because I don't want to be the punk half assing it in the back 3) I hope it will help me work on other parts of my body not just the cardio.

Don't get me wrong cardio is great. I really love it. I can tell that my body is definitly getting up endurance because now the first 10-15 minutes on the arc trainer is a breeze (its the last 15-30 minutes thats a little harder). But I know that once I get this weight off I am really going to have to tone up and work on my ENTIRE body if I'm going to be happy. Classes will be good for that.

Also the gym is across the street (ish) from work which means I can hop over there after work or during the summer (when time is more flexible) I can go BEFORE work, take a shower then scoot over to work. If I'm 15-30 minutes late it won't matter because things are much different.

So yes - VERY excited. I'm also nervous/excited about the assessment with the trainer. I know they do this to try to rope you in, but I had already told myself that when I get down to 150 I was going to look into a trainer because I know the last 5-10 lbs or so is going to be harder to get off. Plus why wait until you're at goal when you can already be toning up. It may take a little longer (or maybe not) to get there but I think I will be a lot more satisfied. So we'll see how it goes and hopefully he can show me some things to do weight wise because truth be told I get really intimidated by weights mostly because I don't know how to use them or if I'm using them correctly to achieve what I want.

Did I mention they have a heated salt water pool? Did I mention it's pretty darn cheap considering everything they have?

Did I mention I am freaking STOKED?!?!?!

Cause I am!

So yes, back down to 182.2. So close to the 170s. SO VERY CLOSE!

This weekend is a huge holiday weekend. Fortunately I have no major plans. I will be going to a friends house and staying the night Saturday. We will be going out to dinner but they aren't big drinkers so I'm really hoping I can keep the 170s in the forefront of my mind and remember to EAT WELL. Also, it's only over night. I will be returning home early Sunday and I do fine as long as I am in the comfort "safe" zone of my house. LOL

Planning on working out tomorrow morning, heading to my friends and then working out on Sunday and Monday as well.

Next week will be much more difficult. I know that I won't have as much time to work out - but I do HAVE MY PT SESSION THURSDAY! HOORAY - and Friday morning I will be leaving to go see Ginny and April in SAVANNAH!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I know there will be copious amounts of drinking. It is girls weekend after all. So maybe if I stay on point with the eating it will make up for the drinking? It will be the month of June and this will be my ONE WEEKEND this month I will splurge. I vow to MYSELF and to you all this right now.
Happy Friday everyone!!!!

Flippin' Weekends!

Man! I know I've touched on this before but I'll be damned if the weekends aren't the HARDEST time for a weight loss journey. I realize this is a lifestyle change but it's still hard and it sucks and just DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!

I went down to Wilmington this weekend. YAY BEACH! It was awesome. I'm a little on the cripsy side. OOPS. Totally worth it and it should sink in in a few days. Thank you genetics for blessing me with an olive complexion.

So short of bringing a cooler with food to cook my own food what do you do when you go out on the weekends or go visit someone? In all honesty I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten stuff to cook rather than going out. I guess... STRIKE THAT... I just didn't want to. *sigh*

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I started writing this post yesterday but wasn't able to finish. Let me just say yesterday was the king of all craptastic days, but you know what? I didn't eat emotionally which was pretty flipping big. In fact, there was a moment when I was trying to decide what to do for dinner that I could have totally gone overboard, but I allowed myself to feel the emotion and not stuff it down with food.

I've learned that as an emotional eater there is a ritual to it and binge eating and that includes planning what you're going to eat, cooking, eating, cleaning up... all of these things are a distraction to keep us from feeling what we are resisting.

Instead I cleaned my room and listened to some music. I even had a hard time figuring out exactly what I wanted to eat for dinner. I went to the grocery store and picked up veggies, ingredients for the infamous soap fried rice, and tofu.

It took me close to half an hour to even figure out what I WANTED to cook because I wasn't really starving. I didn't plan very well on Sunday night. I came home from the beach and crawled into bed (well not exactly like that, but I did pass out watching a movie) so I didn't make my lunch for Monday. I usually run over to the grocery store by work when I don't make my lunch and pick up one of their yummy pre-made salads, but their coolers were down yesterday so I ended up getting a microwavable lunch. It was chicken with veggies and that was the only thing I had eaten up until dinner. So for me to be on the LOW side of calories yesterday compared to eating everything in sight is quite a feat.

I didn't go the gym because I chose not to, but I am going to make up for it on Friday. So tonight I'm back in the groove.

Did I mention to you guys I've been doing 40 minutes on the Arc Trainer? Yep that's right. Why 40 minutes you ask? Because I'm working up to an hour... and I decided randomly last week to challenge myself to an extra 10 minutes and I DID IT. It sucked and it was hard, but I still did it.

So yeah that's it from me... I'm going to be re-evaluating some of my goals and doing some stuff to get myself re-focused and motivated again. I'll keep you posted!

Make it a great day, people!

A look in the mirror (full length at that!)

I had an A-HA moment yesterday.

I posted previously about how I wasn't feeling too great about myself this past weekend and was sucked into the black hole of being self-conscious. Being almost 25 lbs down I took a shower at my friend's house that has mirrors all the way across her bathroom. As I looked at myself I was disgusted. I've lost 25 lbs and I looked like THAT!!! Just imagine what I looked like 25 lbs heavier. I was really beating myself up.

Yesterday I went to Target to get some new work out clothes *yay* and to check out their swimsuits and pick up some other odds and ends.

I have been eyeing this bathing suit.



I think it's super cute and fun and just because I may be considered a "plus" size I don't think I have to dress like an old lady.

They didn't have the top but I spotted these shorts. Well, not these exact shorts but pretty similar. They're solid black and if you roll them over they have the splash print that matches the top. They're also a little longer but still SHORT for me!

http://www.target.com/mdp/B00335HMU0/ref=sr_qi_1_23?sr=1-23&qid=1274371146&asin=B00335HMU0

It wouldn't let me post it but you can follow the link. They're typical girl style board shorts.

So I grab 2 sizes and head to the dressing room... I put on the smaller pair and they fit but they were tighter than I wanted so I tried the next size up and they fit perfectly. Now, we all know how lovely those 3 angled mirrors are in the dressing room... they show you things that you didn't even KNOW you had.

And you know what? My legs didn't look half bad. And you know what else? All that cellulite I was convinced in my head that I have... really wasn't there. And for a moment I was confortable and I liked my legs.

I bought them!

It's amazing how getting back on track (and getting rid of some water weight) can do for your psyche.

So, for all of those bad days we have when we hate our bodies, there is a day that you will say "today I might not LOVE myself, but damn I'm improving!!!"

This morning the scale was down to 184.2! HELL YEAH!!!! That was especially surprising considering how BLOATED I was last night. I love my birth control but the only downside to it is that when I take the 2 pills BEFORE the placebos I am hella bloated. I'm okay with that though!!!!

Tonight is the gym and TOMORROW night I leave for the beach to go play with my loves!!!!

Do you earn bragging rights?

After my poor pitiful me post I wanted to post something a little more positive.

Eating has been on plan yesterday and today. Score. I've been drinking tons of water. Score.

Today I decided to "challenge" myself and I told my inner circle of most awesome support group girls that I was going to do 40 minutes on the arc trainer today. The most I've ever done was 30.

Well, let me tell you... by the 30 minute mark I was dying. One of my shoes was tied tighter than the other and where it was hitting the top of my foot it made the rest of my foot go numb. I was tired, my knee was a little wonky (not really that wonky, but you know I was looking for excuses) and I just kept telling myself that I would be letting MYSELF down if I didn't finish the 40 minutes. I mean, who the hell gives up with only 8 minutes left? I would've kicked my own ass for that the rest of the week!

So I did it. "400" calories later (I put that in parenthesis because a) it was a little over 400 and b) those machines can't calculate for every person accurately) and dripping in sweat I was done.

YAY!

See I can do it when I put my mind to it! [Remember that awesome challenge Jen and Tony did to teach us all that we have it in us?!]

Tomorrow is my rest day and I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.

Oh, and the scale was down to 186.6 this morning. I guess I was holding on to a little water weight from the beer this weekend.

And one more thing - I have lots of exciting trips coming up to keep me motivated, but I'll save that for another post!!!!

It's almost HUMP day. How are you guys doing?!

Owning up to your mistakes...

And taking responsibility is a lot harder than one would think. I don't so much have the problem with every day stuff, but when it comes to weight loss I really just want to bury my head in the sand.

At first I wanted to say "My scale hates me!" this morning, but you know what? My scale was in direct proportion to my eating habits and MY own choices. No one MADE me do anything, I chose what to put in my mouth, when to work out or when to skip working out... and the scale reflects those very things.

This journey isn't just about the number, inches lost, sizes lost, but about how I FEEL.... and part of how I feel about me is also in direct proportion to how much I love myself.

That's a really hard thing to do.

It's amazing how some days you can feel SO proud of your accomplishments, look in the mirror and really feel FANTASTIC about yourself and how other days when you haven't been on point or you slip up and make mistakes or when you just make the choice to not make a good decision and you feel poop on the bottom of someone's shoe.

I went to my best friend from home's little brother's graduation party on Saturday. I went over early and help set up tents, chairs, tables, etc outside. We went and got ballooons and some extra decorations. I had made the decision (against my therapist's judgement) to drink on Saturday. I was really struggling before as my therapist had suggested drinking only ONE beer. She explained that there will always be an occasion. Something will ALWAYS come up where we feel the need to splurge or partake and truth be told... she's right. There will always be a birthday, graduation, anniversary, celebration with old friends, celebration with new friends, etc. If we always make a justification we are never truly making the lifestyle change.

And as Jen from Prior Fat Girl pointed out the other day - it's amazing how quickly the bad habits and old lifestyle come BACK as opposed to the amount of time it took for us to get to our ideal weight/lifestyle.

Did I have fun? Yes. Was all of the beer worth it? No way.

Today the scale said 188.8. and it's right.... and it's amazing how awful I feel about myself after gaining 6 lbs... and it's amazing how quickly those 6 lbs came back.

Saturday I met people I had never seen before and I was so incredibly self conscious because I felt like doodoo.... and that confidence and spark and sense of achievement I have been radiating was no longer showing.

I have some things to look forward to over the next few weeks and hopefully that will help keep me motivated. Tony over at The Anti-Jared pointed out in his weekend post that typically May is the hardest month of weight loss. He said that over the past 2 years the trend has been to lose more followers.... you can go check out his blog for yourself but it was really enlightening.

So the question I have to ask myself is this: How bad do I want it? What is it that seems to be holding me back? Why am I not allowing myself to get into the 170s? How can I be truly prepared for occasions and eating out and things that I would typically justify "just this once?"

Okay, so that turned into a bunch of questions, but they're important none the less.

I hope all of your weeks are off to an amazing start... and if you're feeling like I am this morning, just know that only YOU are in control of how you allow yourself to feel. Let's put on our boxing gloves and take this beast down together!

Confessions of a compulsive over eater....

Well ladies and gents, it's time to get real. You ready for this?

I'm a compulsive over eater... not only do I over eat but I binge on occasion. Luckily I hadn't had much of a binge in a while...until recently.

This past week I haven't just eaten kind of poorly .... I've eaten horribly.

If there's one things I've noticed it's that when I do something I'm ashamed of or embarrassed by I go into hiding. Hence the reason I haven't been blogging much lately or posting much over at 3FC. I haven't responded to emails as quickly as I normally would.

It all started when I got sick. Part of my getting sick was emotionally fueled. I'm a big believer in that. Our emotions often manifest into "dis-ease" when we don't deal with them. After taking a week off of working out and not eating as well as I should have it kind of snow balled.

I had some other stuff that I'm kind of upset about but haven't really been dealing with, including WW3 with one of my dearest friends. There was also some personal rejection taking place and instead of owning up to it and letting myself feel it I started literally stuffing everything down.

So a week later... here I am beating myself up.

Jen over at Prior Fat girl posted today about whiny baby blogs. Where people constantly bitch about what they want to change but they don't do anything about it. I don't want to have one of those blogs either.

So today - instead of bitching about how the scale said 187.4 this morning or blah blah blah... I can tell you what choices I DID make today in order to make a change.

Today I have eaten on plan:

Coffee w/ cream + splenda
Banana for breakfast
Chicken Stir Fry for lunch
Raw bell peppers for a snack
Banana before the gym
Broccoli with cheese for a snack
Ribs for dinner

Today I went to the gym and I did 20 minutes on the Arc Trainer and 20 minutes on the cycle.

Today, instead of going out and drinking lots of beer and using that as an excuse to eat poorly I am choosing the healthy route... a route that will not make me wake up and feel like shit in the morning because I made poor choices. I chose a route that I can look at myself in the mirror and say "You felt bad, but you took it out on the gym."

That's something to be proud of.

We're all human here on this journey. We all make mistakes, we all have our set backs, but the important thing is dusting ourselves off and knowing we can do this.

As stated in my most recent update... I spent all last week being sick. I gave myself a nasty upper respiratory infection so I was battling being able to breathe. I haven't been to a traditional doctor in YEARS. I knew on Wednesday it was getting ready to shift from my head to my lungs so I went ahead and went to the doctor. Thursday morning I woke up and felt like my lungs had fallen out of my chest and were rolling around under my bed somewhere.

I didn't go to work for 2 days. This is unheard of practically.

I didn't work out at all after Monday.

The doc put me on a z pack and sent me on my merry way... Friday being the brilliant person I am I went out drinking with some coworkers after work. The one beer I was going to have turned into 5 beers (over a 5 hour period) but you know what? We had fun and I was okay with it. In order to slurp up my beer-y deliciousness I fell victim to the awesome fish and chips the tap room had.

Saturday morning I woke up and weighed 180. How in the hell?

I spent Saturday with my ass glued to the couch. I had the house to myself for the first time in a long while and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I watched the X-Men marathon and somehow or another I just couldn't manage to convince anyone to take a shower FOR me or go to the grocery store FOR me so I had to get up and do it myself.

Sunday I did chores and relaxed.

Back to the grind yesterday.... and the weekend caught up with me, 181.8 or so. I'll still take that.

I'm a little disappointed that I'm not going to make my 15 work out for this most recent set of 3 weeks, but really you do what you gotta do. I know some people say it's better to work out and I'll be honest Monday when I hopped on the treadmill at home I did feel a little better. I had more energy but me being hot got the snot flowing so I was snotting all over the place and you can FORGET running or even walking as fast as I normally do. I opted to take it easy...

I really did miss the gym. I brought my clothes to work and got there and kind of dreaded going in. I think there was fear of what it was going to be like after not having gone for a week. [Yet there was no fear of not having gone for MONTHS? Cause that makes sense.] I decided to ease back into it. [Are we noticing a trend here?] I hopped on the treadmill and walked at a brisk pace for 25 minutes. And then cycling for 20 minutes. I gotta good sweat going.

There were 2 guys on either side of me that were running. One guy was jogging at a pretty good pace and he jogged for a long time. He wasn't over exerting himself but he had a good pace going. I was impressed because he ran straight and you guys know my but is huffing and puffing after 2 minutes. The guy on the other side of me was struggling a bit more. But you know what? He impressed me. He ran for 5 minutes straight. Took a break and then started jogging again. When I got off I really wanted to turn to him and say "Good job man, keep it up! You'll get there." And having both of these guys running on either side of me I wanted to take the last 5 minutes I had on the treadmill and start jogging myself. Trying to push myself to complete those 5 mintues.... but that little voice of doubt inside of my head said "you've been walking next to these guys for 15 minutes. If you start jogging and you give up at 2 minutes, they're going to think you're a loser." I guess that's the evil little lizard on my shoulder that Drazil has on her shoulder over at http://justmedrazil.blogspot.com/.

After I left I felt SO much better and I'm glad I got back on the horse. I'm so close to the 170s I can't stand it... I just find myself self sabotaging (the beer, the poor dinner choices, etc) when I get close and I REFUSE to spend 2 months in the 180s like I did the 190s. So I'm grabbing this sucker by the horns and takin' charge!!!!


Oh -- and I also realized today that I'm going to the farm in 2 months. I really need to start working on my upper body strength. I know push ups will help (I can only do half assed girly push ups to be honest.] Do any of you have any suggestions for exercises?

Hope you all are having a fabulous week!!!! Hugs to those of you struggling and high fives to those of you taking names and kicking ass!

I'm not dead...

I'm still here. I have an upper respiratory infection, I only worked 3 days this week and have been taking it easy. Meaning no exercise (booooo) but I have still been weighing in.

I will update when I have more motivation!!!

Hope you all are well and you're staying motivated!

Keep on keepin on...