Mini - Update

I just got home from the gym. After work I went to the gym. Hopped on the arctrainer (my Bff) FOR 20 minutes before I met with my trainer. I forgot my super awesome Polar FT4 at home today in my rush to get out of the house, but the machine said I burnt roughly 250 calories. Then I went and met with my trainer. We didn't do anything crazy (meaning she actually didn't make me do 324803248 lunges or jump lunges which I HATE), but we took our time and she didn't have an appointment after me so we actually worked out for about an hour. We did a lot of squats and some weird leg lift thingies and a lot of upper body work and abs...

Right now I feel FANTASTIC. I feel like I have a handle on things again. I feel like I'm back in the game.

I hope this feeling lasts.

Also, my mom made my favorite soup for dinner. I think she might be psychic, I'd been thinking about it for a few days.

Life is good. I CAN DO THIS!

What's Different?

I have been reflecting on the past year as next Tuesday will mark my one year anniversary of my "lifestyle change." I've done some amazing things that have impressed myself. I have fallen many times and I look back on those things with guilt, but at the end of the day I know I deserve a pat on the back because no matter how much I've struggled, I have overcome and continue to try. I couldn't say that a year ago, much less two or three years ago.

Am I where I want to be? Not hardly, but I have learned a great deal about my emotions, eating better, working out and that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could.

I have been racking my brain to see what is different about where I am on my journey right now and where I was one year ago. A lot of things have changed. A lot of things aren't where I want them to be... so, I ask myself, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

A year ago I KNEW that if I didn't get a handle on my emotions that emotional eating would continue to take over my life as it has for the majority of it. I knew I would continue gaining weight and that I would continue to be obese for the rest of my life. Essentially, I would end up like my father. My father strugles with heart disease (that runs in my family) and is a borderline diabetic.

I KNEW that I had a serious sugar addiction which caused my binges. I KNEW that I wanted that to stop.

I had a fire somewhere within me. I KNEW that it was important to start therapy. In fact, I remember when I intially emailed the therapist I was thinking about going to see that I told her "I'm ready to grab this by the horns..."

Where'd the horn grabbing motivation go?

Yesterday, after a great convo with the man that is ALWAYS in my corner (my friend Matt), I realized where the motivation went...

I haven't been LOSING any weight since July. That kind of takes the fizz out of your soda when you stop seeing the scale move yet you're going through the motions. It makes you tired. It makes you want to give up because you're doing SOME of the work, but not seeing any results.

So what is my stumbling block, again, what's DIFFERENT?

I haven't been planning my meals. It used to be on Saturdays I would get up, go the gym, peruse some recipes online and figure out something to cook on Sunday for the week. Typically I would fix one big meal (as I was cooking for myself the majority of the time) that would be lunch/dinner until at least Wednesday. Sometimes I would also cook a smaller meal to change it up because eating the SAME thing for 3-4 days KILLS me.

I haven't been eating breakfast. I know this may be a shocker to some of you... I've NEVER been a breakfast person. In fact, I don't like getting up any earlier than I have to. This morning I woke up at 6:10. Took a shower and was out the door by 6:35. I'm not hungry in the morning. If I eat too early I have to choke my food down and it makes me feel icky. I used to eat breakfast AT WORK between 9-10. Then I would be hungry again around 12-1 and I would eat lunch. I KNOW how much of a difference this makes with jump starting your metabolism because if I don't eat anything in the morning I can easily go until late in the afternoon before I eat lunch.

I haven't been tracking my meals. When I did WW I wrote everything down religiously. I KNOW that it makes a HUGE difference in what you eat when you write everything down. Even if you aren't tracking calories or points, there are some things you think twice about eating because do you REALLY want to write them down?!

Something else that really hit me hard in my convo with Matt was this...

"Stop being scared of your own abilities and just let go."

HOLY SHIT! He hit the NAIL ON THE HEAD.

As someone with OCD and a perfectionism complex combined with a procrastination complex I often find that there are things I really want to accomplish, but I don't do them because I am too afraid of my own failure. If I look back on the past year I have had a lot of what I would consider "failures," BUT I'M STILL HERE. I'M STILL OVERCOMING, I'M STILL WANTING TO STICK WITH IT. I just need to get my head out of my ass and START DOING IT AGAIN.

What's the famous quote?

"The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”

I keep saying "oh man, I'm not in therapy anymore, I'm so bummed." The truth of the matter is that I was given ALL of the tools that I need to learn to deal with my emotions, I have a great support group and I have all of the resources in the world to manage my compulsive over eating/binging. There's really no room for EXCUSES....

LATER NEVER EXISTS, right?

Again, Genius Friend moment brought up that I can't do HALF of the work during the week, play ridiculously hard on the weekend and expect to see results. You have to do ALL of the work during the week and if you play hard on the weekend that means you will MAINTAIN. I think I've proven to myself that I can do that, now it's time to prove to myself that I can get the rest of this weight off.

And my own light bulb moment that went off again - WHY AM I SO AFRIAD OF GETTING OFF THIS WEIGHT? WHAT AM I AFRAID TO SHOW PEOPLE, rather than hiding behind the "fat girl facade" so that I can make excuses for people not being interested in me or not wanting them to get close to me. That's all of my own bullshit. I have a great personality, I'm a VERY cute girl... people like me or they don't like me and losing weight isn't going to magically fix any of life's problems. In fact, it may create some more that I haven't experienced before.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE because I feel like for the past few months all this "blog" has been is me bitching about what I need to do and how things aren't going to the way I want them to and this is what I'm "GOING" to do, but none of that has happened.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing consistantly and expecting a different result every time... apparently I have been IN-FUCKING-SANE for the past 6 months. (Come on, I had a good laugh at that, you should too).

I tend to get overwhelmed making big plans for myself... I look at the list (like I made during my last post) and think "oh man, that's SO much to change." For now I know that I WILL START PLANNING MY MEALS again and that I WILL START WRITING DOWN WHAT I'M EATING. Of course, I'll be at the gym, but for right now I can't promise you 5 days a week. I just know that as Jen over at Prior Fat Girl says...

I will take it

"ONE BITE AT A TIME. ONE STEP AT A TIME."

UH WTF....

I'm not really sure what happened yesterday, but my eating started to go downhill an then it just snowballed from there.

I will admit, I have not been well prepared with my meals lately. Especially since it's the end of the month - this month has had 5 weeks in it - and because I live the life of a rockstar (i.e. acting like an idiot and not saving money the way I should) I am ALWAYS beyond broke by the end of the month (which is another thing I really need to work on).

I rarely eat breakfast which is another big problem I know I need to fix. I'm never hungry in the morning, but in order to get my metabolism going I HAVE to start eating something in the morning.

Yesterday I ate:

a pack of cheese crackers
an apple with sunflower butter (simliar to PB)
a lean cuisine lasagna meal
1/2 of a protein bar
some potato chips when I got home
almost a whole package of saltine crackers
thai soup w. pork and noodles for dinner
a peppermint stick
then I woke up in the middle of the night and ate MORE potato chips and 2 more peppermint sticks
Oh yeah, I also had a piece of caramel/white chocolate dipped apple that my mom made

Now, I probably would have been okay had I not gone downhill with the chips, crackers and candy.

I was ready to eat my arm off due to my workout, but I was just out of control.

TOM is here so that certainly didn't help, but I KNEW what I was doing and just couldn't stop. Now I feel like crap emotionally and physically.

UGH. Fuck compulsive eating.

I wanted to post this just so I could put it out there. It happens and I know that it's over and done with and I can't change it now so I shouldn't beat myself up, but I have all of these plans for what I WILL be changing and I feel like I keep standing in my own way.

RAHHHHHH. /rant

Pick up the phone....

I put a call out to some of my accountability partners. I emailed them part of my post from yesterday saying what I WILL be doing to get back on track and how I will be continuing to work on this journey.

Another one of my friends had basically outlined what she will be doing between now and Christmas. Can you believe it's only 8 weeks away? HOLY COW! Also, December 14th is the one year anniversary of my starting my lifestyle change. It will be interesting to do a reflection post about how my life and health has changed since that time. All I can do is give myself a big pat on the back for sticking with it. Even though I've had my ups and downs, my really on point days and my really off days/weeks. I'm still standing and if I get knocked down, I'm still getting up. Even if I have to crawl a little. Even if I need a helping hand.

Now, I am NOT looking forward to the food fest known as Christmas time where I work. It seems to be inundated with candy, treats, and more candy and treats. I've said it before, I'll say it again -- teachers like to eat and I have never seen a group of people eat more food in my life. I DO remember however, that I made it through Christmas at work last year. I mean, who decides to start a diet/lifestyle change AT CHRISTMAS? My crazy ass. I know I can get through it. I just need to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.

With all of that being said here is my plan for the next 8 weeks. It also includes my planned diversions.... notice - PLANNED.

Here we go:

I am planning on ONE off plan meal this weekend which will be Sunday night at the Vortex. I am planning on going to the gym both Friday afternoon AND Saturday morning, mind you, that will be 5 days for this week, but I wasn't planning on Saturday originally. I may also try to extend some of my workouts to an hour or so vs. 45 minutes to add in a little extra.

Next week (11/1-11/7) I will be on plan the entire week, and make up for the extra drinking I will be doing at the wedding on 11/06 by going to the gym (again on Saturday for a total of 6 days). I will try to make the best choices possible as they are serving heavy hors doeuvres.

The following week (11/8-11/14) I will be on plan the entire week. I will try to extend my gym time as the next weekend is my birthday. I will eat, drink and be merry on my birthday weekend. I will not beat myself up about this. Monday morning I am back OP 110%.

The week and a half of (11/15-11/24) I will be on plan the entire week. I will go to the gym my regular 5 days and try to fit in some extended time if possible. I will eat, drink and be merry on Thanksgiving. I don't actually think the day itself will be that bad. It is with my immediate family only and we are doing all of our favorite foods and seafood this year. Then again, there's my mom's sweet potato pie that I will fight someone over. :)

11/25-12/25 I will continue to be on plan with my plan. :) Christmas I will allow myself to eat, drink and be merry. I can make up for the difference that week with an extra day at the gym or extended time AT the gym.

Then we have new years where I will probably go to the gym an extra day to make up for drinking ON NYE.

So yeah.... when you break it down like you did it doesn't sound that bad. :)

Let's Get Real....

Wow, I thought a month going by was bad.... um how about THREE months sailing by. I've become one of those people. One of those wanna be bloggy people that just suddenly trails off when times get hard and you dont' really want to face yourself or anyone else and it's easier to hide behind the excuses than it is to type it out.

I started this blog for myself. Let's face it. I only have a handful of followers (and thank you for that, dear readers!), but this was really about trying to keep myself accountable.

Accountability: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

I will take responsibility for my actions, but it's just been such a slippery slope.

I checked in over at Mrs. Fatass's this morning and one of her posts really struck me. It jumped out and I let out a sigh of "holy shit, that's exactly how I feel right now." It's about comebacks and feeling like we just don't have any fight left in us and somehow we dig down and there's a second wind there and we just have to remember to keep pushing through, no matter how hard we've already fought. Go check it out.

I haven't been posting on 3FC. I haven't been talking/emailing as much with my support buddies. Excuses aside we're all really busy. The beginning of the school years are the most hectic time and I guess I just fell into the lackadaisical way of life.

I never understood before why people who have been on their lifestyle journey say "I'm tired.... I'm just so very tired." Now I do because I've been at that point. I'm tired of eating well, I'm tired of going to the gym, I'm tired of feeling bad about going out drinking with my friends because it negates all of the work I've done during the week. I'm tired of being obsessed with food. I'm tired of waking up at 2am and wanting to eat everything in my house even though I AM NOT HUNGRY. I'm tired of not seeing the scale moving.

That's part of what being a compulisive overeater/binge eater is about. It is so very fucking frustrating. I will NOT be hungry, however it's like I'm on autopilot and will stuff my face. Over the past year I have become more aware of this because of my therapy, but sometimes even though you "wake up" in the midst of it you keep on doing it anyway. It's a vicious cycle.

I had been thinking of switching over strictly to calorie counting from South Beach. Here's the thing though, I've been frustrated with wanting to eat sugary things, with wanting to eat potatoes (one of my major vices haha!), etc. I figured if I do calorie counting I don't feel deprived of those things. I know that the basic equation of weight loss IS calories in vs. calories out, but in my test runs here and there I have noticed this. The thing I LOVE about South Beach is that I don't have to weigh my food, I don't have to add up numbers at the beginning/end of the day. I can eat as much of it as I want (although let's face it, we need to be within reason) and I can still lose weight. I DON'T have the sugar cravings and I DON'T HAVE THE BINGES nearly as often. Since I've been doing more portion control and adding in things that are NOT on South Beach and trying to simply watch calories I have been waking up in the middle of the night and eating. I have been CRAVING, CRAVING, CRAVING sugars, sweets and junk food.

Now, I cannot simply blame adding sugar into my diet for the binges and the eating. There is a much deeper side to this story as well. I have been in therapy for the past 10 months with an AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING woman who not only lost over 120 lbs and has kept it off for 6+ years, but is a compulsive over eater/binge eater as well. It was someone who could really understand where I was coming from and this led me to be incredibly comfortable with her. I felt like she was more of a friend than she was a stiff doctor. When I began seeing her a year ago she had told me there was a possiblity she would be moving which I was fine with. She was up front so you can't hate on that. So a few weeks ago she broke the news that she had finally sold her house and even though I was very excited for her and the journey she was getting ready to take off to I was very surprised at how much if affected me. I actually got a little choked up when she told me. I'm not sure which was more surprising, the fact that she had sold her house and was moving so quickly or the fact that I was emotional about it. Probably the latter.

This is going to sound weird but I feel a little abandoned. Both she and my chiropractor moved (although I was able to hunt down my chiro and he is in the same area YAY!). I felt like the 2 people who have done the best work on me both up and left and what am I supposed to do now? I have all of the tools I need to be able to control/overcome/manage my binge eating, it's just a matter of using them, but I def feel like since all of this went down and my schedule changed, etc that it's gotten out of control again.

I've been really great at maintaining, but I need to remember that I can do that when I reach my goal, which I am not at now. I need to remember that it's okay to have a planned diversion here and there, not EVERY weekend. I need to remember that there will always be a party, a graduation, a birthday, a camp out, a wedding, a Friday funday, sporting event, etc. etc. That does not give me a "get out of jail free" pass every single time to do as I please.

I KNOW these things, I've written about these things, I am aware of these things, but I need to start DOING these things.

So here is part of my plan:

*I need to will start planning out my meals again.
*I need to will start writing down EVERYTHING I am eating because it makes me think twice about what I am eating. (I have a handy food journal I bought that I have YET to use.)
*I need to will find a support system again.
*I need to will start going to the gym more consistantly - meaning 5 days a week.
*I need to will start doing weight training 3 times a week (meaning doing it even when I don't see my trainer).
*I need to will be doing 45 minutes of cardio 5 days a week. Which means if I only get in 25 minutes BEFORE training I still need to make up for the rest AFTER I'm done with my trainer.
*I need to will drink more water.
*I need to will drink less alcohol.
*I need to will start making SMALLER goals for myself. (ex. Instead of the goal being 170. I need to will make the goal 175. Instead of saying I'm going to go to the gym 20 times a month, I need to focus on the week at hand so I don't get overwhelmed.)
*I need to will start using my daily quotes/affirmation cards every day to help keep my eye on the prize.
*I need to will reward myself with things that do not involve alcohol or food, however at every 10 lbs lost I AM allowed to have a planned diversion meal. This is to help "reset" my body which my therapist suggested and told me I'm allowed to do. This is for ONE MEAL ONLY.
*I need to will go out of my comfort zone and start doing some classes here and there at my gym or going swimming. That was one of the reasons I wanted to go to the gym I'm at in the first place. I love my gym, but I'm shy and a little chicken when it comes to wanting to go to the classes because I feel like I'll look like an idiot.

Sorry for the novel people. I had about 3 months of shit to get off of my chest. :)

What will YOU start doing?

Um A month? Seriously?!

Wow. I had no idea it had been almost a whole month since I updated this thing.

The basic run down is this - I work for the school system. From the beginning of August to the end of September is our busiest time of the year (to put it mildly). The opening of the school year is SO hard and entails more than I could have ever imagined since I, prior to 2.5 years ago, had never worked in a school system or cared much about it.

I have realized (once again) that my weight loss is mostly foiled by my weekends. I can eat great on the week, work out 4-5 times a week (or lately 2-3 times..oops) and then I throw it ALL away on the weekend. I had bounced up at one point (after a wonderful long weekend at the beach that was no lie full of carb loading and beer) to 185.

I am happy to say that this morning the scale gods finally decided to have mercy upon me and I actually saw 178.8. Granted, I haven't been eating as MUCH as I should, but I have been completely on plan and it's probably okay because I haven't been working out really over the past week and a half.

I go BACK to my trainer tonight. She was on vacay last week, I had to cancel on Tuesday because I had too much work to do (poor planning on my part once again) and I know she is going to kick my ass.

The plan is that next week I will resume the 5 DAYS A WEEK at the gym with a more regular schedule including finally hitting up some of the classes I have yet to take advantage of at my awesome gym.

So here we go again.

I have 30 more lbs to lose to hit my first BIG goal and will be able to lose from there what I feel comfortable with..... By my birthday? Perhaps. By Christmas?! DEFINITELY!!!!

I hope you all have continued to do well on this journey. If there is one thing I have learned its that maintaining should be doable.... I have been getting lots of practice. LOL.

What's the best way to learn to run?

Sign up for a 5k!

Then get your friends to sign up with you so you have people that are PLANNING on running with you.

Holy shit.

I think I may have lost my damn mind.

In my last post I touched on the fact that I've always wanted to be a runner. To experience a runner's high and feel the freedom that I always hear about. However, I've NEVER been a runner and unsuccessfully completed C25K twice now.

I got this crazy idea in my head that I would force myself to do it if I signed up for a 5K. So I am. It's going to be December 4th.

I know this sounds bad but I don't really care what kind of run it supports (this happens to be arthritis), I just want to run a 5k and say OMG I did it!

This will be just before my ONE YEAR anniversary of starting a lifestyle change and a HUGE personal accomplishment.

Here's my plan:

On Monday I will be re-starting week 1 of C25K.

I figure even if it takes me 12 weeks to complete the program INDOORS that will give me another 6 weeks to train outdoors. Score!!!! I know that road running will be much different as well as running in the COLD. Even if I decide to do some training during the fall it's a hell of a lot cooler than the 110 degree heat indexes we've had here recently.

And... there may be some really exciting breaking news regarding this LATER. So keep an eye on this blogspot. ;)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

"It's time to worry about YOU and not everyone else..."

Is what I was told this morning. It should probably be a motto for me. I'll admit it I'm nosey. I gossip. That's something in the future I would like to work on (hooray, just one more thing to add on to the list)...

I admit that sometimes, when I post on the 3FC forum and I see that other people are heavier than me and wear smaller clothes it makes me really frustrated.

I understand that all bodies are not created equally.

Just because I understand that doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me.

So I was venting to my friend about someone who is almost 50 lbs heavier than me and only ONE inch taller than me that can wear a much smaller pant size. I'm still in the 16-18s and this person claimed they can wear a size 12. Granted, I do not know that it may be vanity sizing.

I have a big ass. Serious junk in the trunk. Big hips. Always have, probably always will. I love my curves, but I could stand to lose what I have dubbed my "hippo thighs."

My friend literally said to me "I'm putting my foot down, you need to worry about YOU and not worry about what everyone else is doing."

You know what? She's right on the money and I'm glad she put her foot down with me. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now.

Instead of being worried with what everyone else is doing, how much weight everyone else is losing, how people who ask me about weight loss but then refuse to do anything themselves are doing...

I need to be worried about bringing MY personal A-Game. I need to start being gracious for the things I have, for the things I'm doing for MYSELF. I'm not doing this for anyone else.... this is about ME. Worry about ME.

-----------------
I had a complete melt down last week. I never really realized just how important my schedule is to me. I had Monday off of work. My therapist took me out to dinner for my celebratory "You made it to the 170s" dinner on Tuesday. I completely forgot about my therapy appointment on Wednesday (first time I've done that). I thought I had a session with my personal trainer on Wednesday which I did not. Thursday I hit rock bottom. I became so frustrated with the routine of working out, eating well (ish), that I just mentally exhausted myself. This lifestyle change is NOT easy by any means. I'm constantly pulling back layers of myself (which is why I'm in therapy) and I was done for the week. D-O-N-E DONE!

I cancelled my training appointment on Thursday (a first for me which I'm kind of proud of, but not proud I cancelled), I didn't work out for the rest of the weekend and I ate whatever I wanted. Not cool.

TOM is here (and almost gone, YAY). I weighed in yesterday at 180.0. Not happy about it, but I'm really hoping it will go down after TOM has left for the month.

I got back to the gym yesterday afternoon which felt good after taking a week off. I don't have any PT appointments this week because in NOT making my appointment last week I wasn't able to sign up for my appointments THIS week and she didn't have any availability after I got off of work. So next week it is. I'm hoping to be able to have 3 sessions next week since I missed 1 this week.

I have some goals for myself. Some shorter term, but mostly LONG term.

I am *crossing fingers* buying my ticket for the SUPER FUCKING FABULOUSLY AWESOME 311 concert at the Fox Theatre in ATL on HALLOWEEN. They're doing an ultra rare set so I'm hoping the universe is still loving me and is holding a ticket for me.

My goal is to lose another 30 lbs (10 lbs per month) before then.

If I make this goal my other goal is to get a sexy/sassy Halloween costume. I've never worn one and I think I deserve/want this.

I'm thinking something along these lines:




OR



I am an Alice fan through and through but the Queen costume is super hot. Even I can admit that.

I've always wanted to be a runner. Mostly because I despise it. I felt like if I could become a runner that it would be a huge accomplishment because I hate running and have never felt able to do it or wasn't physically able to do it. I've tried doing the C25K program and floundered around and gave up twice now.

I want something to motivate me to do that. What more can motivate you than SIGNING UP FOR A 5K?

I have found 2 possible dates - November 6 or December 4. I posted on FB asking if any of my local friends are interested and already got a response. Soooo - I have about 14 weeks to train for it (if we decide on the Nov. 6 date). Honestly, I would like MORE training time because I'm scared, BUT I think it would be pretty damn cool to have a 5K under my belt 8 days shy of my 27th birthday.

That's all the big news I have for now. Time to get FOCUSED.

How do you all get focused on your goals?

HALF WAY: 30 down, 31 to go

I'm just as tired of bitching about my struggle with the 180s as you are of reading about it...

but the good news is I FINALLY BROKE MY PLATEAU!!!! I'm not really sure what kick started it. I had a very indulgent 4th of July weekend (which really meant I drank entirely too much Saturday night when out celebrating one of my best friend's birthdays).... then I didn't eat much for the next 2 days. I flew. Came home. Had chinese food one night... and have been eating on plan since then.

I jumped on the scale Saturday morning and was greeted by the number 177.2. HOLY SHIT!!!! I'M LOSING IT! FINALLY!!!!

My personal trainer had asked me to start a food journal. Of course who wants to show up to their trainer and have a list that says "I've been eating junk." It definitely helps for a bit of accountability.

Friday I planned out my shoe string budget meal. I had some staples I could use at the house, found recipes for a few things I could make this week, looked up some stuff online and budgeted accordingly. $25 later I came home with groceries for the week.

Eating this week consists of: egg mcmuffins for breakfast (whole wheat english muffin, 1 egg, a slice of american cheese and a little bit of mayo.

15 bean soup. Hobbit Shire Soup (found the recipe online, I'll post a recipe once I decide if it's edible or not), some whole wheat pasta (always a staple for a fat kid), apples, oranges, bananas, some fiber one bars (not completely OP, but it could be much worse), peanut butter, salads, turkey burger patties and veggies.

Sounds pretty yummy, huh?

Saturday night I went to go celebrate my brother's girlfriend's graduation. I hadn't seen some of those people since April. I was blown away by all of the nice compliments of how great I'm looking. Granted, I'm not letting it go to my head, but it's nice to have other people notice, especially when you've been busting your ass (literally) trying to make a difference.

On top of breaking into the 170s it really made me smile and has made me feel like my hard work is really paying off.

I am officially 30 lbs down. 31 lbs away from my goal of 145. Granted, I don't really know how I'll look when I get there, so there may be some tweaking, but to see 145 on the scale will be a HUGE accomplishment for myself. I can't remember the last time I saw that.

I've been tracking my food religiously (calories and all), doing my journaling and using the South Beach plan as a guideline. I haven't been tracking calories in the past and finally gave in. My trainer said with my work out routine I can eat about 1700 calories a day. Since Friday it seems that I have been anywhere between 1100 and 1500 which I'm fine with. She and I can talk about it this week (or this coming week).

This morning I weighed in at 176.8 which I am totally fine with. It's amazing how I went from bouncing around the same 3 lbs or so to being almost 5 lbs down and half way through the 170s already.

I'm hoping I can keep this momentum. I really feel motivated to kick these last 30 lbs.... I know it will be my hardest to get rid of, especially as I get closer to 145. It's making my birthday goal of 150 seem obtainable. What an amazing birthday gift to myself... "Happy birthday, here's a healthy version of YOU!"

The new school year starts August 25 and I also have a trip to Florida planned for Labor Day weekend. I would really love to be another 10 lbs down (165ish).

Time to bring my A-Game!

A Lesson In Manifesting....

Okay so this is where you may think I'm a little crazier than I already am.

I do believe in the power of manifestation. I do believe that our thoughts shape our past, present and future.

I believe that if you TRUELY believe something that you can make it happen.

The problem is sometimes making yourself really believe it. Our bodies are powerful things, but so are our minds. Often we can put our bodies through grueling tasks much easier than we can put our minds through it.

This may sound silly, but it really is a lesson I learned today.

I love the band Train. I've always liked them but went to go see them this past March in an intimate venue. It may have been 1000 people, but it was in an old theatre with fantastic acoustics and their stage performance (combined with Pat's ability to sing) really made me fall in love. Pat was BORN to sing. He LOVES to sing and he can give you chills at the drop of a dime. In fact, he sang a song completely unplugged. No mic. No nothin. You could've heard a pin drop in that theatre and it was a really beautiful moment. I couldn't walk out of that concert not loving them.

Train will be playing with John Mayer (who I could care less about truthfully) here on Saturday. The local radio station is doing a "Listener Lounge" promotion where it is a small, intimate setting. Train will play a 5-7 song set from 3-5pm.

So last night Meredith and I were on the phone and I kept telling her "We just have to say we're going to win and we will."

This morning when I got in my car the very first song I heard on the radio was "Meet Virginia." What a great way to start off the day I was going to win those tickets!

I get to work and started listening. I was even listening on my phone (via IHeartRadio). I got a text message and turned off the radio. Meredith called my office phone and told me to start calling.

I did. I called and called and called and called and called. To the point I was thinking "they have got to have a winner." Called some more. Then someone answered:

"G105."
"Um hey, do you guys still have Train tickets?"
"What?"
"Do you still have the listener lounge tickets for Train?"
"Who?"
"TRAIN!"
"Yeah, you're caller 15!"

Which was then followed by a lot of "NO! SERIOUSLY? OMG. ARE YOU SEROIUS? NO, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!" and a lot of not being able to breathe and my adrenelin was pumping so fast I was shaking and I thought he was messing with me because he already started off that way....

SERIOUSLY! I WON THE FUCKING TICKETS!!!!

I am the proud owner of 2 tickets to the Red Room Listener Lounge event.

I ran into Meredith's office. Shut the door and said "Don't scream."

We proceeded to scream and hop in circles like 2 12 year old girls because that is what we turn into with things like that. Maybe we just regress to when we met our freshman year of high school....

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Cool story, huh?

I started thinking about how easily I manifested that. How I just said I was going to and did. How it HAPPENED! (OMG I've never won anything on the radio before.)

Now the lesson in manifesting my weight loss, health and fitness begins.

I WILL break into the 170s.

I WILL hit my goal weight.

I WILL continue to be healthy for the rest of my life.

I WILL continue to work out and enjoy being physically active.

I WILL get this body of mine toned up.

I WILL love my body.

I WILL treat it better.

I WILL look the way I want to.

I WILL not be frustrated.

I WILL keep on truckin' with a smile on my face.

How about you?

Good ol' NSV...

For those of you that are unfamiliar with what NSV means... its a non scale victory. It isn't determined by that pesky number many of us are obsessed with that can make one bless or curse their scale.

I have been working out steadily for the last few months. I have been bouncing around the same 5 lbs (more recently the same 2) for the past month.

I will be going out of town tonight to go visit friends in Atlanta. More importantly to celebrate the birthday of one of my nearest and dearest and to hang with some more of my nearest and dearest I haven't seen in over a year.

I'm probably about the same weight I was when I saw them. However, I'm glad I can say I'm about the same weight and NOT 25 lbs heavier.

We're going out on the town Saturday night when means I actually have to get dressed up. I'm such a tomboy that I HATE this, but stupid dress codes mean that I have to oblige and lets face it... every now and then it's fun to get semi dolled up and feel good about yourself. I've been busting my ass... I need a night to strut my shit even if no one else thinks it (but I don't think that will be a problem).

A few years ago when I was much smaller I bought this awesome top. It's a halter top with a flowy material over the top of a tank underneath. Can you tell I'm not a fashionista because i have no idea wtf this material is called. ANYWAY, I digress, it's a really cute top.

I tried it on a month or two ago just to see how it fit and I wasn't too happy. When I was packing my suit case last night I thought I would throw it on for shits and giggles to see how it fit.

Again, havent been losing so much, but I have been working out twice a week with my trainer, plus an additional 3 days a week with myself or my work out buddy which includes a day of doing weights on my own on top of cardio.

The other night my trainer asked how I thought things were going. If I liked what we were doing and how I was doing with losing weight. I told her that I can't seem to get over this hump but I was feeling good. She asked if I was noticing a difference in my clothing and said that I looked like I was losing weight. She intially took my measurements when we started working out together but won't take them again for another 2-4 weeks. I have not taken them on my own since.

I tried on the top.

It fits.

So as you can imagine, these NON SCALE VICTORIES can mean a lot, especially when the stupid @#$@#$ (#!@$&!)#!@(# !@_)!@(# scale doens't always say what you would like it to.

I hope you all have a FANTASTIC 4th of July. Whether you are celebrating it in style, going out of town or just taking time to relax.

Updates will follow next week! :)

This is why therapy rocks....

So I had a semi-enlightening therapy session last night. I realized a few things:


#1) my birthday (which is in NOVEMBER) is about 12 weeks away. HOLY MOLY that is NOT that far off. Where the heck does the time go?

#2) She pointed out that anything worth doing is worth sacrificing for... meaning that the beer and random dinners (off plan) I like to participate in are what I'm going to be able to do more of during maintenance... not so much right now (not meaning I have to deprive myself, but I can't do it EVERY weekend and those 3 beers really need to be 1 beer or no beers).

#3) That sometimes I feel that if I don't partipate I'm going to be excluded and while other people may be dealing with their own issues interally mine are more obvious on the outside because I'm choosing not to drink/eat off plan and therefore people are going to ask me about it.

#4) Instead of going out to a bar/tap room/wherever we will be eating/drinking I need to suggest another activity that may not put me in that position.

#5) With a boost in confidence comes complacency to an extent. When I feel better about myself and I know I look better I am not chomping at the bit quite as hard as I was 25 lbs ago.... but I still have another 40 lbs I really want to lose.

I don't want it to sound like I'm saying "oh I'm depriving myself" because I'm not but I need to get it through this thick head of mine that in order to continue losing I need to be ON PLAN 99% of the time like I was when I first started.

So my goal (even though I hate giving myself specific dates) is to be at 150 on my birthday (11/14). That's another 32 lbs.... 12 weeks... 2.5 lbs / week.

How bad do I want it?!

Food for thought I thought maybe some of those things might help you guys out too.
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I'm still going to personal training. I'm still going and doing cardio 4-5 days a week. I even have a gym buddy! WOOHOO! Which makes it a lot easier when I'm being grumpy and don't want to get out of bed on Saturday and I get a text that says "hey do you want to meet at such and such a time." Well, truth be told NO I don't want to but am I going to? You bet your ass I am.

I'm going to be starting a food journal after I get back from Atlanta (July 1-6). I will be logging EVERYTHING I put in my mouth. I'm hoping this will help keep me more accountable and I can also see if I'm going off track anywhere... and while I still refuse to count calories maybe I can keep a rough estimate of what I am eating so I have an idea there too. I downloaded a nifty calorie counter on my iphone which makes life easier, especially on the go.

I haven't been posting much (on here or over on 3FC) because life is so chaotic. 10 hour work days + gym and then FINALLY getting home at night to have to eat, go to bed and do it all over again is exhausting and doesn't leave much time, but the important thing is that I'm still doing it even if I'm not posting about it every day.

I'm not dead...

I know it's been a while since my last post. Every time I tried to sit down and write it recently I would get distracted then de-motivated and I would stop mid post.

So here's the general run down of what's been going on with me.

I'm still working out. I'm still eating on plan. I'm still strugging with these STUPID 180s, but I'm not discouraged.

I actually started working out 2 times a week with a personal trainer. I really like working with her because I've never done weight training and have NO clue what to do. It was actually pretty intimidating so it's nice to learn what I can do (and can do on my own) to build lean muscle/tone up.

The first guy I saw for my "assessment" worked me too hard. I could barely walk in Savannah... it hurt that bad. Lee, my trainer, never pushes me TOO hard. I mean don't get me wrong, she pushes me, but not to the point that I'm in pain...

with the exception of Monday which I didn't even realize was going to be a problem. We worked on biceps and I couldn't stretch my arms all the way out for 2 days, but now we're good and I will tell her tomorrow when I see her that it was a little too much. I guess we need to knock the weight down a little.

I really am trying not to beat myself up for being so out of shape. I get tired and I cannot do a lot as far as weights are concerned with the upper body. But she always reminds me that I have to start somewhere and I'm making the choice to start so we'll get there but it's going to take work. Having HER say that to me means a lot.

I've been doing 4-5 days of cardio, 2 days WITH the trainer and then I try to incorporate a 3rd day where I do some of the exercises on my own.

I'm really digging it.

Yesterday I weighed in at 183.4. I couldn't exactly figure out WHY. I had gotten down to 181.8. Granted last Thursday we went out after work and I did partake in some fried pickle chips and I had 3 beers, but I didn't drink any this weekend and I behaved myself relatively well.... minus that one episode with the donut that taunted me.

TOM started yesterday so I'm hoping that explains the jump back up and will hopefully provide a nice woosh post.... I'm really ready to see the 170s.

Since it is now summer time (and I work for the public school system) my schedule has now switched to 4-10 hour days meaning I work from 7-5pm. Then I go to the gym and go home....and by then it's dinner time and bed time to start all over again. The plus side is a guaranteed 3 day weekend and if I'm lucky (like this weekend) I get a 4 day weekend and don't have to take any vacation time!

And a side note to the 170s - I'M COMING TO GET YOUR ASS.... seriously. <3 me

It has been 6 days since my last confession...

Whew! Alright, let's play catch up here. Don't worry, it will be the abbreviated synopsis.

Last weekend I had a breakthrough. Granted, it wasn't perfect, but it still showed me some things. I went to go visit friends that live about 1.5 hours away. I hadn't eaten anything all day (got there around 2pm) so I was ready to eat a small baby at that point. They took me to Mexican. I really have to start avoiding Mexican, it's like taking an alcoholic to the liquor store. I just can't say not to queso. So 2 beers, chips and salsa and BBQ chicken nachos we split between the 3 of us later I wasn't exactly off to a good start.

We met some of their friends for dinner and I had the grilled chicken salad and 2 beers. Oh yeah, there may have been 2 bread rolls involved too, but still, a vast improvement from stuffing my face with chicken tenders and fries.

Sunday morning we went to IHOP. While I wanted to order 23048209384 pancakes I opted for the omelet instead. The downfall here was the order of hash browns. By the time they came I didn't even want to eat them but I had ordered them so I felt bad.... their omelets are super sized so it was MORE than enough (I only ate half). I ate half of the hash browns, but stopped. So again, not perfect, but at least I was making better choices out of the poor choices, right?

The rest of the holiday weekend was on plan. I worked out Friday night, Sunday and Monday morning.

I managed at one point to be down to 181 (I think this was Sunday after drinking the 4 beers on Saturday) so I figured it was probably due to dehydration.

I've been bouncing/hovering between 182-184. Either way, I didn't have to unravel crazy amounts of damage from the weekend and that was nice.

I have a 3 day work week this week because I'm taking a big trip to Savannah this weekend. I was supposed to go to the Starscape Festival in Baltimore this weekend. That's another story, but needless to say I'm not going and really disappointed. Check it out online it's an amazing jam band meets techno festival they do every year with some really amazing artists. *pouts* But I made NEW plans and it's still going to be awesome.

I haven't made time to work out. Monday I did, Tuesday I had errands to run and some cleaning to do around the house, Wednesday night is therapy which leaves today. Glorious Thursday, which is also my day with the trainer at the new gym. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I did find out the hotel I'm staying in Friday and Saturday has a gym in its facility. If April doesn't get off of work early tomorrow then I may go work out and shower before she comes back. And I will more than likely wake up before everyone else on Saturday so maybe I can squeeze a work out in then.

So the HOPE for this weekend is to drink a lot of alcohol, have a lot of fun, but keep the eating on plan.

Does anyone have any cool suggestions for things you HAVE to do when you go to Savannah? I'm with locals but you know, they're probably tired and bored of it because they live there.

Savannah is considered to be one of the most haunted places in the U.S. I am SO excited as I love paranormal stuff.

Hopefully I will return with lots of cool pics!!!! [Maybe a ghost or 2 included]

Oh and P.S. Could you guys please cross your fingers that my bathing suit top comes in the mail today. I would really like to take it with me this weekend!

<3

Possibly getting back to where I was?

WOW! I just looked over at my weigh in log... Do you know it took me ONE MONTH to set myself back straight again? Do you know that could have been one month I was focused and continued to lose?


But you know what? The important lesson here is that I got back on track, even if it did take a month. So I'm pretty happy about THAT aspect of it at least.

I joined a new gym yesterday. I am SOOOOO excited. It's a big chain and its more expensive than my other gym but it has soooo much more that it offers. They have a boat load of various classes which was my main thing. I really want to go try some out for a few different reasons. 1) To change up my routine and keep myself interested 2) I know I will push myself harder if I am in a class because I don't want to be the punk half assing it in the back 3) I hope it will help me work on other parts of my body not just the cardio.

Don't get me wrong cardio is great. I really love it. I can tell that my body is definitly getting up endurance because now the first 10-15 minutes on the arc trainer is a breeze (its the last 15-30 minutes thats a little harder). But I know that once I get this weight off I am really going to have to tone up and work on my ENTIRE body if I'm going to be happy. Classes will be good for that.

Also the gym is across the street (ish) from work which means I can hop over there after work or during the summer (when time is more flexible) I can go BEFORE work, take a shower then scoot over to work. If I'm 15-30 minutes late it won't matter because things are much different.

So yes - VERY excited. I'm also nervous/excited about the assessment with the trainer. I know they do this to try to rope you in, but I had already told myself that when I get down to 150 I was going to look into a trainer because I know the last 5-10 lbs or so is going to be harder to get off. Plus why wait until you're at goal when you can already be toning up. It may take a little longer (or maybe not) to get there but I think I will be a lot more satisfied. So we'll see how it goes and hopefully he can show me some things to do weight wise because truth be told I get really intimidated by weights mostly because I don't know how to use them or if I'm using them correctly to achieve what I want.

Did I mention they have a heated salt water pool? Did I mention it's pretty darn cheap considering everything they have?

Did I mention I am freaking STOKED?!?!?!

Cause I am!

So yes, back down to 182.2. So close to the 170s. SO VERY CLOSE!

This weekend is a huge holiday weekend. Fortunately I have no major plans. I will be going to a friends house and staying the night Saturday. We will be going out to dinner but they aren't big drinkers so I'm really hoping I can keep the 170s in the forefront of my mind and remember to EAT WELL. Also, it's only over night. I will be returning home early Sunday and I do fine as long as I am in the comfort "safe" zone of my house. LOL

Planning on working out tomorrow morning, heading to my friends and then working out on Sunday and Monday as well.

Next week will be much more difficult. I know that I won't have as much time to work out - but I do HAVE MY PT SESSION THURSDAY! HOORAY - and Friday morning I will be leaving to go see Ginny and April in SAVANNAH!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I know there will be copious amounts of drinking. It is girls weekend after all. So maybe if I stay on point with the eating it will make up for the drinking? It will be the month of June and this will be my ONE WEEKEND this month I will splurge. I vow to MYSELF and to you all this right now.
Happy Friday everyone!!!!

Flippin' Weekends!

Man! I know I've touched on this before but I'll be damned if the weekends aren't the HARDEST time for a weight loss journey. I realize this is a lifestyle change but it's still hard and it sucks and just DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!

I went down to Wilmington this weekend. YAY BEACH! It was awesome. I'm a little on the cripsy side. OOPS. Totally worth it and it should sink in in a few days. Thank you genetics for blessing me with an olive complexion.

So short of bringing a cooler with food to cook my own food what do you do when you go out on the weekends or go visit someone? In all honesty I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten stuff to cook rather than going out. I guess... STRIKE THAT... I just didn't want to. *sigh*

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I started writing this post yesterday but wasn't able to finish. Let me just say yesterday was the king of all craptastic days, but you know what? I didn't eat emotionally which was pretty flipping big. In fact, there was a moment when I was trying to decide what to do for dinner that I could have totally gone overboard, but I allowed myself to feel the emotion and not stuff it down with food.

I've learned that as an emotional eater there is a ritual to it and binge eating and that includes planning what you're going to eat, cooking, eating, cleaning up... all of these things are a distraction to keep us from feeling what we are resisting.

Instead I cleaned my room and listened to some music. I even had a hard time figuring out exactly what I wanted to eat for dinner. I went to the grocery store and picked up veggies, ingredients for the infamous soap fried rice, and tofu.

It took me close to half an hour to even figure out what I WANTED to cook because I wasn't really starving. I didn't plan very well on Sunday night. I came home from the beach and crawled into bed (well not exactly like that, but I did pass out watching a movie) so I didn't make my lunch for Monday. I usually run over to the grocery store by work when I don't make my lunch and pick up one of their yummy pre-made salads, but their coolers were down yesterday so I ended up getting a microwavable lunch. It was chicken with veggies and that was the only thing I had eaten up until dinner. So for me to be on the LOW side of calories yesterday compared to eating everything in sight is quite a feat.

I didn't go the gym because I chose not to, but I am going to make up for it on Friday. So tonight I'm back in the groove.

Did I mention to you guys I've been doing 40 minutes on the Arc Trainer? Yep that's right. Why 40 minutes you ask? Because I'm working up to an hour... and I decided randomly last week to challenge myself to an extra 10 minutes and I DID IT. It sucked and it was hard, but I still did it.

So yeah that's it from me... I'm going to be re-evaluating some of my goals and doing some stuff to get myself re-focused and motivated again. I'll keep you posted!

Make it a great day, people!

A look in the mirror (full length at that!)

I had an A-HA moment yesterday.

I posted previously about how I wasn't feeling too great about myself this past weekend and was sucked into the black hole of being self-conscious. Being almost 25 lbs down I took a shower at my friend's house that has mirrors all the way across her bathroom. As I looked at myself I was disgusted. I've lost 25 lbs and I looked like THAT!!! Just imagine what I looked like 25 lbs heavier. I was really beating myself up.

Yesterday I went to Target to get some new work out clothes *yay* and to check out their swimsuits and pick up some other odds and ends.

I have been eyeing this bathing suit.



I think it's super cute and fun and just because I may be considered a "plus" size I don't think I have to dress like an old lady.

They didn't have the top but I spotted these shorts. Well, not these exact shorts but pretty similar. They're solid black and if you roll them over they have the splash print that matches the top. They're also a little longer but still SHORT for me!

http://www.target.com/mdp/B00335HMU0/ref=sr_qi_1_23?sr=1-23&qid=1274371146&asin=B00335HMU0

It wouldn't let me post it but you can follow the link. They're typical girl style board shorts.

So I grab 2 sizes and head to the dressing room... I put on the smaller pair and they fit but they were tighter than I wanted so I tried the next size up and they fit perfectly. Now, we all know how lovely those 3 angled mirrors are in the dressing room... they show you things that you didn't even KNOW you had.

And you know what? My legs didn't look half bad. And you know what else? All that cellulite I was convinced in my head that I have... really wasn't there. And for a moment I was confortable and I liked my legs.

I bought them!

It's amazing how getting back on track (and getting rid of some water weight) can do for your psyche.

So, for all of those bad days we have when we hate our bodies, there is a day that you will say "today I might not LOVE myself, but damn I'm improving!!!"

This morning the scale was down to 184.2! HELL YEAH!!!! That was especially surprising considering how BLOATED I was last night. I love my birth control but the only downside to it is that when I take the 2 pills BEFORE the placebos I am hella bloated. I'm okay with that though!!!!

Tonight is the gym and TOMORROW night I leave for the beach to go play with my loves!!!!

Do you earn bragging rights?

After my poor pitiful me post I wanted to post something a little more positive.

Eating has been on plan yesterday and today. Score. I've been drinking tons of water. Score.

Today I decided to "challenge" myself and I told my inner circle of most awesome support group girls that I was going to do 40 minutes on the arc trainer today. The most I've ever done was 30.

Well, let me tell you... by the 30 minute mark I was dying. One of my shoes was tied tighter than the other and where it was hitting the top of my foot it made the rest of my foot go numb. I was tired, my knee was a little wonky (not really that wonky, but you know I was looking for excuses) and I just kept telling myself that I would be letting MYSELF down if I didn't finish the 40 minutes. I mean, who the hell gives up with only 8 minutes left? I would've kicked my own ass for that the rest of the week!

So I did it. "400" calories later (I put that in parenthesis because a) it was a little over 400 and b) those machines can't calculate for every person accurately) and dripping in sweat I was done.

YAY!

See I can do it when I put my mind to it! [Remember that awesome challenge Jen and Tony did to teach us all that we have it in us?!]

Tomorrow is my rest day and I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.

Oh, and the scale was down to 186.6 this morning. I guess I was holding on to a little water weight from the beer this weekend.

And one more thing - I have lots of exciting trips coming up to keep me motivated, but I'll save that for another post!!!!

It's almost HUMP day. How are you guys doing?!

Owning up to your mistakes...

And taking responsibility is a lot harder than one would think. I don't so much have the problem with every day stuff, but when it comes to weight loss I really just want to bury my head in the sand.

At first I wanted to say "My scale hates me!" this morning, but you know what? My scale was in direct proportion to my eating habits and MY own choices. No one MADE me do anything, I chose what to put in my mouth, when to work out or when to skip working out... and the scale reflects those very things.

This journey isn't just about the number, inches lost, sizes lost, but about how I FEEL.... and part of how I feel about me is also in direct proportion to how much I love myself.

That's a really hard thing to do.

It's amazing how some days you can feel SO proud of your accomplishments, look in the mirror and really feel FANTASTIC about yourself and how other days when you haven't been on point or you slip up and make mistakes or when you just make the choice to not make a good decision and you feel poop on the bottom of someone's shoe.

I went to my best friend from home's little brother's graduation party on Saturday. I went over early and help set up tents, chairs, tables, etc outside. We went and got ballooons and some extra decorations. I had made the decision (against my therapist's judgement) to drink on Saturday. I was really struggling before as my therapist had suggested drinking only ONE beer. She explained that there will always be an occasion. Something will ALWAYS come up where we feel the need to splurge or partake and truth be told... she's right. There will always be a birthday, graduation, anniversary, celebration with old friends, celebration with new friends, etc. If we always make a justification we are never truly making the lifestyle change.

And as Jen from Prior Fat Girl pointed out the other day - it's amazing how quickly the bad habits and old lifestyle come BACK as opposed to the amount of time it took for us to get to our ideal weight/lifestyle.

Did I have fun? Yes. Was all of the beer worth it? No way.

Today the scale said 188.8. and it's right.... and it's amazing how awful I feel about myself after gaining 6 lbs... and it's amazing how quickly those 6 lbs came back.

Saturday I met people I had never seen before and I was so incredibly self conscious because I felt like doodoo.... and that confidence and spark and sense of achievement I have been radiating was no longer showing.

I have some things to look forward to over the next few weeks and hopefully that will help keep me motivated. Tony over at The Anti-Jared pointed out in his weekend post that typically May is the hardest month of weight loss. He said that over the past 2 years the trend has been to lose more followers.... you can go check out his blog for yourself but it was really enlightening.

So the question I have to ask myself is this: How bad do I want it? What is it that seems to be holding me back? Why am I not allowing myself to get into the 170s? How can I be truly prepared for occasions and eating out and things that I would typically justify "just this once?"

Okay, so that turned into a bunch of questions, but they're important none the less.

I hope all of your weeks are off to an amazing start... and if you're feeling like I am this morning, just know that only YOU are in control of how you allow yourself to feel. Let's put on our boxing gloves and take this beast down together!

Confessions of a compulsive over eater....

Well ladies and gents, it's time to get real. You ready for this?

I'm a compulsive over eater... not only do I over eat but I binge on occasion. Luckily I hadn't had much of a binge in a while...until recently.

This past week I haven't just eaten kind of poorly .... I've eaten horribly.

If there's one things I've noticed it's that when I do something I'm ashamed of or embarrassed by I go into hiding. Hence the reason I haven't been blogging much lately or posting much over at 3FC. I haven't responded to emails as quickly as I normally would.

It all started when I got sick. Part of my getting sick was emotionally fueled. I'm a big believer in that. Our emotions often manifest into "dis-ease" when we don't deal with them. After taking a week off of working out and not eating as well as I should have it kind of snow balled.

I had some other stuff that I'm kind of upset about but haven't really been dealing with, including WW3 with one of my dearest friends. There was also some personal rejection taking place and instead of owning up to it and letting myself feel it I started literally stuffing everything down.

So a week later... here I am beating myself up.

Jen over at Prior Fat girl posted today about whiny baby blogs. Where people constantly bitch about what they want to change but they don't do anything about it. I don't want to have one of those blogs either.

So today - instead of bitching about how the scale said 187.4 this morning or blah blah blah... I can tell you what choices I DID make today in order to make a change.

Today I have eaten on plan:

Coffee w/ cream + splenda
Banana for breakfast
Chicken Stir Fry for lunch
Raw bell peppers for a snack
Banana before the gym
Broccoli with cheese for a snack
Ribs for dinner

Today I went to the gym and I did 20 minutes on the Arc Trainer and 20 minutes on the cycle.

Today, instead of going out and drinking lots of beer and using that as an excuse to eat poorly I am choosing the healthy route... a route that will not make me wake up and feel like shit in the morning because I made poor choices. I chose a route that I can look at myself in the mirror and say "You felt bad, but you took it out on the gym."

That's something to be proud of.

We're all human here on this journey. We all make mistakes, we all have our set backs, but the important thing is dusting ourselves off and knowing we can do this.

As stated in my most recent update... I spent all last week being sick. I gave myself a nasty upper respiratory infection so I was battling being able to breathe. I haven't been to a traditional doctor in YEARS. I knew on Wednesday it was getting ready to shift from my head to my lungs so I went ahead and went to the doctor. Thursday morning I woke up and felt like my lungs had fallen out of my chest and were rolling around under my bed somewhere.

I didn't go to work for 2 days. This is unheard of practically.

I didn't work out at all after Monday.

The doc put me on a z pack and sent me on my merry way... Friday being the brilliant person I am I went out drinking with some coworkers after work. The one beer I was going to have turned into 5 beers (over a 5 hour period) but you know what? We had fun and I was okay with it. In order to slurp up my beer-y deliciousness I fell victim to the awesome fish and chips the tap room had.

Saturday morning I woke up and weighed 180. How in the hell?

I spent Saturday with my ass glued to the couch. I had the house to myself for the first time in a long while and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I watched the X-Men marathon and somehow or another I just couldn't manage to convince anyone to take a shower FOR me or go to the grocery store FOR me so I had to get up and do it myself.

Sunday I did chores and relaxed.

Back to the grind yesterday.... and the weekend caught up with me, 181.8 or so. I'll still take that.

I'm a little disappointed that I'm not going to make my 15 work out for this most recent set of 3 weeks, but really you do what you gotta do. I know some people say it's better to work out and I'll be honest Monday when I hopped on the treadmill at home I did feel a little better. I had more energy but me being hot got the snot flowing so I was snotting all over the place and you can FORGET running or even walking as fast as I normally do. I opted to take it easy...

I really did miss the gym. I brought my clothes to work and got there and kind of dreaded going in. I think there was fear of what it was going to be like after not having gone for a week. [Yet there was no fear of not having gone for MONTHS? Cause that makes sense.] I decided to ease back into it. [Are we noticing a trend here?] I hopped on the treadmill and walked at a brisk pace for 25 minutes. And then cycling for 20 minutes. I gotta good sweat going.

There were 2 guys on either side of me that were running. One guy was jogging at a pretty good pace and he jogged for a long time. He wasn't over exerting himself but he had a good pace going. I was impressed because he ran straight and you guys know my but is huffing and puffing after 2 minutes. The guy on the other side of me was struggling a bit more. But you know what? He impressed me. He ran for 5 minutes straight. Took a break and then started jogging again. When I got off I really wanted to turn to him and say "Good job man, keep it up! You'll get there." And having both of these guys running on either side of me I wanted to take the last 5 minutes I had on the treadmill and start jogging myself. Trying to push myself to complete those 5 mintues.... but that little voice of doubt inside of my head said "you've been walking next to these guys for 15 minutes. If you start jogging and you give up at 2 minutes, they're going to think you're a loser." I guess that's the evil little lizard on my shoulder that Drazil has on her shoulder over at http://justmedrazil.blogspot.com/.

After I left I felt SO much better and I'm glad I got back on the horse. I'm so close to the 170s I can't stand it... I just find myself self sabotaging (the beer, the poor dinner choices, etc) when I get close and I REFUSE to spend 2 months in the 180s like I did the 190s. So I'm grabbing this sucker by the horns and takin' charge!!!!


Oh -- and I also realized today that I'm going to the farm in 2 months. I really need to start working on my upper body strength. I know push ups will help (I can only do half assed girly push ups to be honest.] Do any of you have any suggestions for exercises?

Hope you all are having a fabulous week!!!! Hugs to those of you struggling and high fives to those of you taking names and kicking ass!

I'm not dead...

I'm still here. I have an upper respiratory infection, I only worked 3 days this week and have been taking it easy. Meaning no exercise (booooo) but I have still been weighing in.

I will update when I have more motivation!!!

Hope you all are well and you're staying motivated!

Keep on keepin on...

Craptacular!

That pretty much sums up my day. Yesterday was the perfect day. Literally nothing could rain on my parade...today, a whole 'nother story. Seriously.

Work didn't help, but I'm done bitching about that so there really isn't any point in going into it. And the day just seemed to crumble. It hasn't even been all that bad really I'm just the grumpiest of grumpies. I hate feeling like this. UGH!

Holly shipped me a book 2 days ago. It's cheaper to Fex Ex it to work because where I live is considered a "rural" area for some reason (however they have drop offs in stores 10 minutes from my house) so they tack on a "rural surcharge." For $5 it can ship to work vs. $10 to my house. It says C/O Middle School on there. You would think they would know that if you deliver it at 5:30 no one is going to be there. It didn't show up today either so that made me really grumpy as well. I just want my book and I don't want to have to drive all over God's creation to get it. I called today and they said I could schedule a pick up in the next town over which is the arm pit of the world and should be nuked first if anyone ever asks me so NO I'M NOT FUCKING PICKING IT UP THERE.... It was paid for to be delivered to THIS city so you're going to fucking get it to me.

Craptacular I tell you.

I threw a load of laundry in the washer last night. My parents had a load in the dryer which wasn't completely dry when I went to switch them out so I tossed my jeans in there for work and dried the rest of them together. I didn't think to call and ask my mom to throw mine in the dryer.

Guess what's in there? Oh yeah, work out clothes. I know what you're all thinking... "just grab some other clothes and go." Truth is, I have PLENTY of T-Shirts but I only have one pair of longer shorts I would feel comfortable going to the gym in and the pants I have tend to fall down when I'm working out in them (you know how they slowly start sliding and you're pulling them up ever 3 seconds to the point where you're just holding your pants up?) so I guess I have to wait for those to dry. Rest assured those are the only 2 things in the dryer right now. A shirt and shorts. (And don't start getting all environmental on me or I'm liable to eat your babies today.)

I guess the good thing that came of it is that I'm giving the banana I just ate time to digest.

Tuesday as you know I did the 60 minute challenge. I was hungry at work and ate a banana about an hour before I left. I had lots of energy and I know part of it was being excited about the challenge, but yesterday when I went to the gym and tried the same routine it was a real struggle. So I'm doing my own personal experiment to see how that's going to work.

Sunday is my brother's bday. That means Saturday night we're going out to the neighborhood bar where a bunch of his friends are going to come hang out. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also a little worried at the same time. My brother gets crunk you guys. I mean... CRUNK. He's 34 years old and can out party me any day and let me tell you, I've done my fair share of partying. Where do you think the name Feral came from? I don't make this shit up. And being that it's a bday celebration I wanna get crunk with my brother too, but I also have the worry of unraveling all of the awesome work I've done this week. So the goal is to try to eat light (on the calorie) side tomorrow and then try to make smarter choices tomorrow night. Uh. I'll report back to you on Sunday (or Monday if I'm really hurting Sunday LOL).

We were originally hoping to be able to go out on the lake tomorrow night. My bro's friend owns a boat and my bro is welcome whenever. Looks like the weather isn't exactly going to cooperate. I feel bad for the bro because he cleared his day tomorrow in hopes to go on the lake and now he can't do that. It's going to be about 75 degrees, overcast all day and bro said the water has been awfully cold. Bah. I was looking forward to getting some sun, plus I love being near the water.

Tonight, when work out clothes are dry, I will be going to the gym. I have to make cupcakes at some point (however, I refuse to make them in a shitty mood because I saw that movie Like Water For Chocolate and I really do think that even though my cupcakes are out of the box the reason they're so awesome is because I LOVE making cupcakes and get really excited). I also have to avoid eating cupcakes ALL weekend. *sigh* Why did I agree to do this? I should've made his gf do it and then I wouldn't have to be near Rainbow Chip icing temptation. Alas, I am glutton for punishment. [Dammit, idiot.)I need to go pick up a few more things, including milk and I need to see if I can find some of those bigger disposable aluminum foil containers with the plastic lid so I can transport said cupcakes of doom (I mean love) and don't have to worry about my mom bugging me about tupperware.

Oh yeah, and then there's cleaning up my room. Doing some more laundry and I suppose dinner should fit in there somewhere?

Here's to hoping this work out is going to knock the bad attitude right out of me!

Oh yeah... and the scale was down yesterday, back up to 186 today... and TOM is almost here. Normally I don't suffer from PMS but this month may be different. I'd like to throat punch someone for looking at me the wrong way.

Have a HAPPY evening darlings, hopefully I can make it back to the land of sunshine and unicorns soon.

Here is an email I sent to Jen and Tony (instigators of this crazy challenge. I think this explains enough about today....

Jen & Tony,

First of all let me say - I was with Jen on today's challenge.
Sorry Tony, it's a girl thing, you just gotta get your girl's
back...especially when someone as evil... I mean, encouraging, as you
comes up with a CRAZY idea like the 99 Minute Challenge.

I signed up for this challenge after being prompted by a friend who
was going to attempt the 99 minutes on the stair master. I thought it
was a great idea and of course anything for charity is always a good
opportunity. However, today it took on a different meaning to me.
After reading both of your blogs (which are great and I really LOVE
btw) I realized a few things. This is about proving to YOURSELF that
you can really do it. You can step out of your comfort zone and you
can do things you might not have imagined or thought of without a
little prompting. I often find when working out that it's more of a
head game than it is physical. Of course the physical part is hard,
but sticking with it, giving it 100% and really going a little further
than I "thought" seems to be a struggle.

You both inspired me today. To go out of my comfort zone. To do
something for myself. To prove to myself that I can get out of my own
head and ego.

When I was driving to work and to the gym after work this afternoon I
saw people out jogging and walking dogs. They may not have been part
of the challenge, but it reminded me that there were a LOT of people
today that were all in this TOGETHER, for the same purpose and that we
were bound by that. And hey, you never know, maybe one of those people
walking down the street WAS participating in the challenge, it's a
small world at times. :)

I have spent all of 5 minutes on the Arc Trainer. I tried it one time
and thought it sucked pretty hard. I also hate the elliptical, but
that's another story. With the encouragement of 2 of my friends and
you guys, I decided I would go until I couldn't go anymore. After 30
minutes (and 300 calories later WOOHOO) my toes were finally
uncomfortably numb and I really couldn't do anymore. Then I jumped on
the bike for 20 minutes (hey another 100 calories burnt)... and I even
jumped on the elliptical for the last 10 minutes (well, a few minutes
more because I had to round out the calories burnt on that to an even
100).

60 minutes later and almost 500 calories burnt later I walked out
feeling GREAT! I can't remember the last time I worked out and burnt
500 calories (to be honest I usually walk or do C25K on the treadmill
burning roughly 200 and then do another 20 min on the bike for MAYBE a
total of 300).

Instead of "I can't" or "I won't" or "Why" ... now it's "I CAN!" "WHY
NOT?!" "WATCH ME!!!!"

Thank you both for being such a POSITIVE inspiration to lead a
healthier lifestyle, pushing yourselves and everyone around you to
make the most out of this life and out of their bodies!!!!

Have a fantastic night.

And my pics are attached. :) The really blurry one was from the
elliptical, you can kind of see the 100 cals up at the top. Every time
I stopped the display would disappear LOL



-Feral

Maybe I CAN Do It....

The weekends are notoriously hard for any dieter. I have found myself in the past avoiding wanting to go out with people because I knew it would throw my momentum off. Let's face it, there is a real world out there. A whole world where you have to participate and everyone isn't obsessed with weight loss and eating healthy like many "life style changers" are... and it makes it really difficult. You have to roll with the punches, forgive indescretions and TRY to make it work. Sometimes it's the trying part that is really difficult. You know what, I CAN DO IT, and you can too!

This weekend in Richmond I actually did REALLY well. I wasn't perfect, but compared to how I have done in the past.... I think I get a pat on the back .

And talk about food porn... I should've taken pictures. We ate at an AMAZING Tapas bar both nights because the food was so good. If you're ever in Richmond hit up Europa. And definitely try the crab stuffed shrimp wrapped in bacon. It's orgasmic (or pretty close to it)!

I went on a 3-4 mile hike on Saturday. The James River area is really pretty and there are lots of trails and everything was soooo green. Fortunately the weather was perfect (70s on Saturday, upper 60s on Sunday after being 90 on Friday) and it was a really, really nice time.

To assess the damage I had done over the weekend I weighed yesterday morning. 186.4 (or 186.6 I can't really remember), which is not THAT bad (up MAYBE 1 lb). Plus I'm really sore from the weekend so maybe there's a chance of a little bit of water retention? Maybe not, but still....

I started another 3 week work out challenge on 3FC. From April 19th (yesterday) to May 9th I commit to working out 15 times. Meaning, another 3 weeks of 5 work outs per week.

Unforunately because I was tired and lazy, I didn't work out at all yesterday which means I get to sub my normal rest day of Friday for Monday. I'll let you guys know how I feel about that when we get there.

Last night I had buckwheat pancakes and turkey sausage for dinner. I ate way too much turkey sausage and knew I did when I was eating it and talk about paying for it today!!!! I woke up and my hands were sooooo swollen. I knew I really shouldn't weigh in today, but I wanted some accountability for my official weigh in tomorrow. Yup, up to 187.something.... thank you salt block.

I could also tell I was really dehydrated this morning. Usually on the way to work I drink part of a caffeine free diet coke, have a cup of coffee at work then switch to water. This morning I drank the whole can of Diet Coke, all of my coffee and am switching over to water. UGH! So water, water, water today... flush, flush, flush.

I do find that I have a hard time on the weekends making sure I drink the amount of water I need, especially when out and about or hanging with friends.

Today is the 60 minute work out challenge. I don't know if I mentioned this in my blog or not but Jen over at www.priorfatgirl.com and Tony over at http://theantijared.blogspot.com have a work out competition going (they're both doing 99 MINUTES ON THE STAIRMASTER because apparently they've both lost their minds along with their weight!) and have asked people to work out for 60 minutes today. They are both donating money to charity based on the amount of people that committed to doing this challenge.

I will be working out for 60 minutes (and posting a picture since I have to email it over to Jen) this afternoon. I am planning on hitting up the Stairmaster, Elliptical, Treadmill and if I still need more time the Bike. I have promised Haley and Stella that I will not set a certain amount of time for myself on the elliptical or stairmaster, but push myself until I can't do it anymore. They also let me in on a bit of a secret. When you first start working on the elliptical it's easier if you go BACKWARDS (or mix it up 4 times backwards, 1 time foward) while you're building your stamina. Who would've thunk!?

I encourage you - if you dare - to work out for 60 minutes today. You don't have to go crazy, you don't even have to do it all at once. But know that there are over 200 + people out there doing the SAME thing today and we are all in this journey to health together. :)

On To More Important Things

I had written a post the other day that I saved and never completed. It was about how awesome my week and weekend were, but I never got around to finishing it and today I have better news so I threw the scraps to the dogs.

As of today, I am no longer obese. I'm still overweight, but I no longer hold the title of an "obese" person.

The scale this morning was 185.4. I also realized that while I had been weighing myself constantly, I hadn't really been great about updating my weight loss over on the side there, but you still get the general idea.

This weekend is THE weekend. The weekend when Mike and I will finally see each other after year and years and years. I'm nervous, excited, anxious and more than anything else completely self conscious. I will really have to fight these demons in my head, but you know what? Love me or leave me. I am who I am.

There are a few things I'm really proud of...

I had originally set a goal for myself when I re-joined the gym to work out 15 times before this Friday. I'm at 14, which means that after today, I will have completed my goal. That to me... is flippin awesome. And you know what? I like going to the gym. I like working out. I might not always WANT to, I might go kicking and screaming, but when I leave I feel better, I feel better about myself and I'm really glad I went. Even on days when I hurt and I take it easy, I still went and did it rather than coping out. To me, that is a true accomplishment.

That doesn't mean that now that I've completed my original goal I'm going to stop or I'm going to go less. It just means I need to keep making goals for myself and sticking with them. I KNOW I can do it. That makes me feel like walking around with my head held high.

If you read back, in January I had put my initial weight goal for this weekend at 170. Obviously I'm not quite there. It was obtainable but somewhere along the line I got distracted and wasn't pushing myself the way I needed to. I wasn't as on plan as I needed to be and because of that I'm not there.

So I'm not proud that I didn't make my goal, HOWEVER, I am proud that regardless I am still 22 lbs down from when I started this journey in December. I'm really proud that I haven't allowed myself to beat myself up over this. The other day the little voices started in and I stopped them immediately. Guess what? Beating myself up over what was done in the past isn't going to change it. I can't magically go back in time and do it over again (although, that would be freakin COOL).... but I can beat myself up which would lead to me binging or giving up... or I can continue to carry myself on this journey. I choose to continue.

Did you hear me - I CHOOSE TO CONTINUE!!!!!


Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I had a late lunch due to work being really hectic and then I had a lot of errands to run with impending trip coming up. So I had therapy, got my hair trimmed (which is another thing I'm proud of - I didn't chop it off because I made the deal that I'm not going to have a major hair cut until I get to goal), went and tried to do some shopping. I was SOOOOOOOO flipping hungry. I started thinking of all of the bad things I really wanted. Starbucks, Chick Fil A, french fries, chinese food, etc.... I called to see what my parents were having for dinner. Ribs and tater tots. Then I started thinking about all of the tater tots I could stuff in my mouth like a little chipmunk.... literally. I kept telling myself it was all because of hunger and being nervous, it had nothing to do with really wanting those things or needing to binge.

I waited until I got home and had told myself that if I ate dinner and was still hungry then I could have whatever, but I needed to eat my dinner first. THANK GOD my parents hadn't made any tater tots for me and because I was later than normal getting home they had eaten all of them so I couldn't become a chipmunk.

I had ribs and green beans. I was more than full. A little while later I had a skinny cow ice cream sandwich.

I hope you all are moving the right direction. What are you proud of lately? Have you been accomplishing your goals or trying to work towards them?

It's not about the number...

In the past week I have weighed myself more than normal. I try to keep it to a bare minimum because I know that I am capable of being scale obsessed as well as being discouraged by the constant roller coaster we call weight loss (and water retention).

I was a little pouty this morning to see that the scale had gone up from 188...to 188.5 yesterday... to 195 this morning (followed by an error message and me quickly telling my scale "You're fucking RIGHT it was an error!!!").... to finally settle on 190.5. Oh 180s - do you HAVE to taunt me?

After throwing a pity party of one and trying to think over what may have caused this "gain".... even if it is only temporary I started thinking about some things that I should really be proud of.

Instead of treaing myself as myself (aka worst critic) I decided to treat myself as a friend (Holy Shit! I just had a major WOW moment). What would I tell one of my girls if they were in my boat? I would tell them that it's probably water weight, possibly sodium, it possibly has something to do with their work out regimine, hell, it may just be a small gain but they need to keep on keepin' on and it'll be back down in no time.

I get obsessed with numbers. If I were to tell you some of the things I do and things I add up and subtract and mulitiply in order to get the number X you would probably think I was the Rain Man (except I'm not THAT good at math).

If you were to take away my scale today... and say okay, for the next month you cannot weigh yourself.... I would flip my shit. But if you were to ask me, okay, if I had taken away your scale in the past 4 months and you couldn't see the physical number, how would you know you had lost weight? How would you describe that to me?

Well, number one my black slacks that I wear the hell out of for work... are LOOSE. Not only are they loose (hello, saggy butt!) but my belt, which I had to buy this summer because my other belt broke is too big too.

I really need to punch another hole in it so it can do it's job as a belt (meaning actually hold my pants up).

I've started to notice that on days when I don't take in too much sodium (my hands are notorious for being swollen in the morning) one of my rings is actually loose. The other ring is never loose mostly because I've worn it so much that it no longer looks like a perfectly round O... it looks more D shaped or U shaped. But either way, I'm glad my rings are getting loose again.

I've actually been able to wear a few shirts that before... didn't look so great. Including, one of the 2 new shirts I bought last summer. I remember when I wore the black version of the shirt last summer to a funeral it was awfully tight and I felt VERY uncomfortable. Now? I'm rocking it cause it's cute as hell. So yay, old clothes become "new" again when they fit.

Now that I've actually lost a "significant" amount of weight (lets face it, if some people I know lost 20 lbs it would be EXTREMELY noticeable because they are much smaller) people are starting to comment. Of course, this probably comes with the fact that I do have 2 pairs of pants I bought a few months ago that actually FIT rather than swallow me or have perpetual saggy booty.

I don't feel GREAT, but I'm starting to feel better in my body. When I started up C25K again I noticed it was MUCH easier to run than it ws 20 lbs ago. Imagine running around carrying a 20 lb bag of kitty litter with you everywhere. Granted, your weight is dispersed, but that's the equivalent. YUCK.

In recent pictures that have been taken of me (given the angle) I actually don't think I look HORRIBLE. (FYI Never let my friend Matt take any pictures of you, no matter how many he takes he will find the WORST angle possible of you and whoever is in the picture with you. DOn't say I didn't warn you). In fact, I'm starting to notice the loss in my face again. WOOHOO!!!!

I did measure with a tape measure. I know that is techincally a number, but sometimes even when the scale doesn't budge you can still LOSE inches. I will have to post these up for comparison another day. I don't remember the date that I took the initial measurements, but there were some changes. I have also figured out that my problem areas are going to be my arms and thighs, but hey - I have goals right?!!?

This is mostly a reminder to myself.... but THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE ISN'T ALWAYS GOING TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU AREN'T MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

Oh,and Self, only weigh once a week... per your therapist because otherwise you're going to drive yourself up the wall!

I hope you guys are seeing some changes too!!!!

Still Keeping Momentum....

So, you guys heard a LOT from me last week and not so much from me in the past few days. I'm still alive, I'm still kickin butt and taking names. Don't you worry, the Easter Bunny didn't take me prisoner.

Wednesday I took as an off day from the gym. You know what? I kind of wanted to go, but instead my mom and I went to go see Alice in 3D. It was AMAZING!!!! I'm a huge fan so for me it was like being a kid in a candy store. Plus it was date afternoon with mom which pretty much rocked a lot of face.

We didn't get popcorn. We didn't get candy. We split a Diet Coke and I snuck in a South Beach Granola bar in my purse (sorry movie theatre, start offering less over priced stuff and healthy alternatives and I won't have to!). It was chocolate of course so that cured that craving.

Thursday I went to the gym... had to run some errands and it was party time for Eric. We went out that night and even though we made cupcakes I had none (which was actually a huge victory for me because I had finally found Rainbow Chip icing which I haven't seen in years.... I didn't even lick the cake batter or the icing knife). In exchange for said rainbow chip deliciousness I agreed I could have a beer or two... which actually ended up being 3 but hey who is counting?!

DDed for the party... came home at 3:30am...slept til about 11... I didn't go to the gym on Friday either because I was exhausted... and I figured I would go sometime on Sunday.

Saturday I did W2D1 of C25K. I'll be honest... it sucked. Hard. I live in the South... home of pine trees and flowers and bumble bees and POLLEN. I mean, turn your car YELLOW and everything else from parking lots to mail boxes. Pollen sucks, especially if you have allergies. Now, fortunately I am blessed to not have my mother's sinuses (although I'm afraid I may be growing into them)... but it was really hard to breathe doing W2D1. I haven't had this problem before...it just felt like my lungs weren't filling up completely with air and I was really trying to concentrate on my breathing. One time, in the very middle I took an extra 30 seconds to walk to try to catch my breath because if I kept going it may have been bad.

However, I survived. :)

I will admit, I did have 1 whole cheese stick (one half 2 days in a row)...thanks to my parents for ordering pizza and cheese sticks. I also succombed to eating 1 fast food breakfast burrito which I justified by saying "well its mostly sausage and eggs... the tortilla isnt good, but I want it."

But - other than that I did fantastic, including Easter lunch. I do have enough sodium in my system that if I were to die right now they probably wouldn't have to embalm me.

The scale showed it this morning. 189.5. Today is back to water, water, water. :)

Have a great week everyone!