Craptacular!

That pretty much sums up my day. Yesterday was the perfect day. Literally nothing could rain on my parade...today, a whole 'nother story. Seriously.

Work didn't help, but I'm done bitching about that so there really isn't any point in going into it. And the day just seemed to crumble. It hasn't even been all that bad really I'm just the grumpiest of grumpies. I hate feeling like this. UGH!

Holly shipped me a book 2 days ago. It's cheaper to Fex Ex it to work because where I live is considered a "rural" area for some reason (however they have drop offs in stores 10 minutes from my house) so they tack on a "rural surcharge." For $5 it can ship to work vs. $10 to my house. It says C/O Middle School on there. You would think they would know that if you deliver it at 5:30 no one is going to be there. It didn't show up today either so that made me really grumpy as well. I just want my book and I don't want to have to drive all over God's creation to get it. I called today and they said I could schedule a pick up in the next town over which is the arm pit of the world and should be nuked first if anyone ever asks me so NO I'M NOT FUCKING PICKING IT UP THERE.... It was paid for to be delivered to THIS city so you're going to fucking get it to me.

Craptacular I tell you.

I threw a load of laundry in the washer last night. My parents had a load in the dryer which wasn't completely dry when I went to switch them out so I tossed my jeans in there for work and dried the rest of them together. I didn't think to call and ask my mom to throw mine in the dryer.

Guess what's in there? Oh yeah, work out clothes. I know what you're all thinking... "just grab some other clothes and go." Truth is, I have PLENTY of T-Shirts but I only have one pair of longer shorts I would feel comfortable going to the gym in and the pants I have tend to fall down when I'm working out in them (you know how they slowly start sliding and you're pulling them up ever 3 seconds to the point where you're just holding your pants up?) so I guess I have to wait for those to dry. Rest assured those are the only 2 things in the dryer right now. A shirt and shorts. (And don't start getting all environmental on me or I'm liable to eat your babies today.)

I guess the good thing that came of it is that I'm giving the banana I just ate time to digest.

Tuesday as you know I did the 60 minute challenge. I was hungry at work and ate a banana about an hour before I left. I had lots of energy and I know part of it was being excited about the challenge, but yesterday when I went to the gym and tried the same routine it was a real struggle. So I'm doing my own personal experiment to see how that's going to work.

Sunday is my brother's bday. That means Saturday night we're going out to the neighborhood bar where a bunch of his friends are going to come hang out. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also a little worried at the same time. My brother gets crunk you guys. I mean... CRUNK. He's 34 years old and can out party me any day and let me tell you, I've done my fair share of partying. Where do you think the name Feral came from? I don't make this shit up. And being that it's a bday celebration I wanna get crunk with my brother too, but I also have the worry of unraveling all of the awesome work I've done this week. So the goal is to try to eat light (on the calorie) side tomorrow and then try to make smarter choices tomorrow night. Uh. I'll report back to you on Sunday (or Monday if I'm really hurting Sunday LOL).

We were originally hoping to be able to go out on the lake tomorrow night. My bro's friend owns a boat and my bro is welcome whenever. Looks like the weather isn't exactly going to cooperate. I feel bad for the bro because he cleared his day tomorrow in hopes to go on the lake and now he can't do that. It's going to be about 75 degrees, overcast all day and bro said the water has been awfully cold. Bah. I was looking forward to getting some sun, plus I love being near the water.

Tonight, when work out clothes are dry, I will be going to the gym. I have to make cupcakes at some point (however, I refuse to make them in a shitty mood because I saw that movie Like Water For Chocolate and I really do think that even though my cupcakes are out of the box the reason they're so awesome is because I LOVE making cupcakes and get really excited). I also have to avoid eating cupcakes ALL weekend. *sigh* Why did I agree to do this? I should've made his gf do it and then I wouldn't have to be near Rainbow Chip icing temptation. Alas, I am glutton for punishment. [Dammit, idiot.)I need to go pick up a few more things, including milk and I need to see if I can find some of those bigger disposable aluminum foil containers with the plastic lid so I can transport said cupcakes of doom (I mean love) and don't have to worry about my mom bugging me about tupperware.

Oh yeah, and then there's cleaning up my room. Doing some more laundry and I suppose dinner should fit in there somewhere?

Here's to hoping this work out is going to knock the bad attitude right out of me!

Oh yeah... and the scale was down yesterday, back up to 186 today... and TOM is almost here. Normally I don't suffer from PMS but this month may be different. I'd like to throat punch someone for looking at me the wrong way.

Have a HAPPY evening darlings, hopefully I can make it back to the land of sunshine and unicorns soon.

Here is an email I sent to Jen and Tony (instigators of this crazy challenge. I think this explains enough about today....

Jen & Tony,

First of all let me say - I was with Jen on today's challenge.
Sorry Tony, it's a girl thing, you just gotta get your girl's
back...especially when someone as evil... I mean, encouraging, as you
comes up with a CRAZY idea like the 99 Minute Challenge.

I signed up for this challenge after being prompted by a friend who
was going to attempt the 99 minutes on the stair master. I thought it
was a great idea and of course anything for charity is always a good
opportunity. However, today it took on a different meaning to me.
After reading both of your blogs (which are great and I really LOVE
btw) I realized a few things. This is about proving to YOURSELF that
you can really do it. You can step out of your comfort zone and you
can do things you might not have imagined or thought of without a
little prompting. I often find when working out that it's more of a
head game than it is physical. Of course the physical part is hard,
but sticking with it, giving it 100% and really going a little further
than I "thought" seems to be a struggle.

You both inspired me today. To go out of my comfort zone. To do
something for myself. To prove to myself that I can get out of my own
head and ego.

When I was driving to work and to the gym after work this afternoon I
saw people out jogging and walking dogs. They may not have been part
of the challenge, but it reminded me that there were a LOT of people
today that were all in this TOGETHER, for the same purpose and that we
were bound by that. And hey, you never know, maybe one of those people
walking down the street WAS participating in the challenge, it's a
small world at times. :)

I have spent all of 5 minutes on the Arc Trainer. I tried it one time
and thought it sucked pretty hard. I also hate the elliptical, but
that's another story. With the encouragement of 2 of my friends and
you guys, I decided I would go until I couldn't go anymore. After 30
minutes (and 300 calories later WOOHOO) my toes were finally
uncomfortably numb and I really couldn't do anymore. Then I jumped on
the bike for 20 minutes (hey another 100 calories burnt)... and I even
jumped on the elliptical for the last 10 minutes (well, a few minutes
more because I had to round out the calories burnt on that to an even
100).

60 minutes later and almost 500 calories burnt later I walked out
feeling GREAT! I can't remember the last time I worked out and burnt
500 calories (to be honest I usually walk or do C25K on the treadmill
burning roughly 200 and then do another 20 min on the bike for MAYBE a
total of 300).

Instead of "I can't" or "I won't" or "Why" ... now it's "I CAN!" "WHY
NOT?!" "WATCH ME!!!!"

Thank you both for being such a POSITIVE inspiration to lead a
healthier lifestyle, pushing yourselves and everyone around you to
make the most out of this life and out of their bodies!!!!

Have a fantastic night.

And my pics are attached. :) The really blurry one was from the
elliptical, you can kind of see the 100 cals up at the top. Every time
I stopped the display would disappear LOL



-Feral

Maybe I CAN Do It....

The weekends are notoriously hard for any dieter. I have found myself in the past avoiding wanting to go out with people because I knew it would throw my momentum off. Let's face it, there is a real world out there. A whole world where you have to participate and everyone isn't obsessed with weight loss and eating healthy like many "life style changers" are... and it makes it really difficult. You have to roll with the punches, forgive indescretions and TRY to make it work. Sometimes it's the trying part that is really difficult. You know what, I CAN DO IT, and you can too!

This weekend in Richmond I actually did REALLY well. I wasn't perfect, but compared to how I have done in the past.... I think I get a pat on the back .

And talk about food porn... I should've taken pictures. We ate at an AMAZING Tapas bar both nights because the food was so good. If you're ever in Richmond hit up Europa. And definitely try the crab stuffed shrimp wrapped in bacon. It's orgasmic (or pretty close to it)!

I went on a 3-4 mile hike on Saturday. The James River area is really pretty and there are lots of trails and everything was soooo green. Fortunately the weather was perfect (70s on Saturday, upper 60s on Sunday after being 90 on Friday) and it was a really, really nice time.

To assess the damage I had done over the weekend I weighed yesterday morning. 186.4 (or 186.6 I can't really remember), which is not THAT bad (up MAYBE 1 lb). Plus I'm really sore from the weekend so maybe there's a chance of a little bit of water retention? Maybe not, but still....

I started another 3 week work out challenge on 3FC. From April 19th (yesterday) to May 9th I commit to working out 15 times. Meaning, another 3 weeks of 5 work outs per week.

Unforunately because I was tired and lazy, I didn't work out at all yesterday which means I get to sub my normal rest day of Friday for Monday. I'll let you guys know how I feel about that when we get there.

Last night I had buckwheat pancakes and turkey sausage for dinner. I ate way too much turkey sausage and knew I did when I was eating it and talk about paying for it today!!!! I woke up and my hands were sooooo swollen. I knew I really shouldn't weigh in today, but I wanted some accountability for my official weigh in tomorrow. Yup, up to 187.something.... thank you salt block.

I could also tell I was really dehydrated this morning. Usually on the way to work I drink part of a caffeine free diet coke, have a cup of coffee at work then switch to water. This morning I drank the whole can of Diet Coke, all of my coffee and am switching over to water. UGH! So water, water, water today... flush, flush, flush.

I do find that I have a hard time on the weekends making sure I drink the amount of water I need, especially when out and about or hanging with friends.

Today is the 60 minute work out challenge. I don't know if I mentioned this in my blog or not but Jen over at www.priorfatgirl.com and Tony over at http://theantijared.blogspot.com have a work out competition going (they're both doing 99 MINUTES ON THE STAIRMASTER because apparently they've both lost their minds along with their weight!) and have asked people to work out for 60 minutes today. They are both donating money to charity based on the amount of people that committed to doing this challenge.

I will be working out for 60 minutes (and posting a picture since I have to email it over to Jen) this afternoon. I am planning on hitting up the Stairmaster, Elliptical, Treadmill and if I still need more time the Bike. I have promised Haley and Stella that I will not set a certain amount of time for myself on the elliptical or stairmaster, but push myself until I can't do it anymore. They also let me in on a bit of a secret. When you first start working on the elliptical it's easier if you go BACKWARDS (or mix it up 4 times backwards, 1 time foward) while you're building your stamina. Who would've thunk!?

I encourage you - if you dare - to work out for 60 minutes today. You don't have to go crazy, you don't even have to do it all at once. But know that there are over 200 + people out there doing the SAME thing today and we are all in this journey to health together. :)

On To More Important Things

I had written a post the other day that I saved and never completed. It was about how awesome my week and weekend were, but I never got around to finishing it and today I have better news so I threw the scraps to the dogs.

As of today, I am no longer obese. I'm still overweight, but I no longer hold the title of an "obese" person.

The scale this morning was 185.4. I also realized that while I had been weighing myself constantly, I hadn't really been great about updating my weight loss over on the side there, but you still get the general idea.

This weekend is THE weekend. The weekend when Mike and I will finally see each other after year and years and years. I'm nervous, excited, anxious and more than anything else completely self conscious. I will really have to fight these demons in my head, but you know what? Love me or leave me. I am who I am.

There are a few things I'm really proud of...

I had originally set a goal for myself when I re-joined the gym to work out 15 times before this Friday. I'm at 14, which means that after today, I will have completed my goal. That to me... is flippin awesome. And you know what? I like going to the gym. I like working out. I might not always WANT to, I might go kicking and screaming, but when I leave I feel better, I feel better about myself and I'm really glad I went. Even on days when I hurt and I take it easy, I still went and did it rather than coping out. To me, that is a true accomplishment.

That doesn't mean that now that I've completed my original goal I'm going to stop or I'm going to go less. It just means I need to keep making goals for myself and sticking with them. I KNOW I can do it. That makes me feel like walking around with my head held high.

If you read back, in January I had put my initial weight goal for this weekend at 170. Obviously I'm not quite there. It was obtainable but somewhere along the line I got distracted and wasn't pushing myself the way I needed to. I wasn't as on plan as I needed to be and because of that I'm not there.

So I'm not proud that I didn't make my goal, HOWEVER, I am proud that regardless I am still 22 lbs down from when I started this journey in December. I'm really proud that I haven't allowed myself to beat myself up over this. The other day the little voices started in and I stopped them immediately. Guess what? Beating myself up over what was done in the past isn't going to change it. I can't magically go back in time and do it over again (although, that would be freakin COOL).... but I can beat myself up which would lead to me binging or giving up... or I can continue to carry myself on this journey. I choose to continue.

Did you hear me - I CHOOSE TO CONTINUE!!!!!


Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I had a late lunch due to work being really hectic and then I had a lot of errands to run with impending trip coming up. So I had therapy, got my hair trimmed (which is another thing I'm proud of - I didn't chop it off because I made the deal that I'm not going to have a major hair cut until I get to goal), went and tried to do some shopping. I was SOOOOOOOO flipping hungry. I started thinking of all of the bad things I really wanted. Starbucks, Chick Fil A, french fries, chinese food, etc.... I called to see what my parents were having for dinner. Ribs and tater tots. Then I started thinking about all of the tater tots I could stuff in my mouth like a little chipmunk.... literally. I kept telling myself it was all because of hunger and being nervous, it had nothing to do with really wanting those things or needing to binge.

I waited until I got home and had told myself that if I ate dinner and was still hungry then I could have whatever, but I needed to eat my dinner first. THANK GOD my parents hadn't made any tater tots for me and because I was later than normal getting home they had eaten all of them so I couldn't become a chipmunk.

I had ribs and green beans. I was more than full. A little while later I had a skinny cow ice cream sandwich.

I hope you all are moving the right direction. What are you proud of lately? Have you been accomplishing your goals or trying to work towards them?

It's not about the number...

In the past week I have weighed myself more than normal. I try to keep it to a bare minimum because I know that I am capable of being scale obsessed as well as being discouraged by the constant roller coaster we call weight loss (and water retention).

I was a little pouty this morning to see that the scale had gone up from 188...to 188.5 yesterday... to 195 this morning (followed by an error message and me quickly telling my scale "You're fucking RIGHT it was an error!!!").... to finally settle on 190.5. Oh 180s - do you HAVE to taunt me?

After throwing a pity party of one and trying to think over what may have caused this "gain".... even if it is only temporary I started thinking about some things that I should really be proud of.

Instead of treaing myself as myself (aka worst critic) I decided to treat myself as a friend (Holy Shit! I just had a major WOW moment). What would I tell one of my girls if they were in my boat? I would tell them that it's probably water weight, possibly sodium, it possibly has something to do with their work out regimine, hell, it may just be a small gain but they need to keep on keepin' on and it'll be back down in no time.

I get obsessed with numbers. If I were to tell you some of the things I do and things I add up and subtract and mulitiply in order to get the number X you would probably think I was the Rain Man (except I'm not THAT good at math).

If you were to take away my scale today... and say okay, for the next month you cannot weigh yourself.... I would flip my shit. But if you were to ask me, okay, if I had taken away your scale in the past 4 months and you couldn't see the physical number, how would you know you had lost weight? How would you describe that to me?

Well, number one my black slacks that I wear the hell out of for work... are LOOSE. Not only are they loose (hello, saggy butt!) but my belt, which I had to buy this summer because my other belt broke is too big too.

I really need to punch another hole in it so it can do it's job as a belt (meaning actually hold my pants up).

I've started to notice that on days when I don't take in too much sodium (my hands are notorious for being swollen in the morning) one of my rings is actually loose. The other ring is never loose mostly because I've worn it so much that it no longer looks like a perfectly round O... it looks more D shaped or U shaped. But either way, I'm glad my rings are getting loose again.

I've actually been able to wear a few shirts that before... didn't look so great. Including, one of the 2 new shirts I bought last summer. I remember when I wore the black version of the shirt last summer to a funeral it was awfully tight and I felt VERY uncomfortable. Now? I'm rocking it cause it's cute as hell. So yay, old clothes become "new" again when they fit.

Now that I've actually lost a "significant" amount of weight (lets face it, if some people I know lost 20 lbs it would be EXTREMELY noticeable because they are much smaller) people are starting to comment. Of course, this probably comes with the fact that I do have 2 pairs of pants I bought a few months ago that actually FIT rather than swallow me or have perpetual saggy booty.

I don't feel GREAT, but I'm starting to feel better in my body. When I started up C25K again I noticed it was MUCH easier to run than it ws 20 lbs ago. Imagine running around carrying a 20 lb bag of kitty litter with you everywhere. Granted, your weight is dispersed, but that's the equivalent. YUCK.

In recent pictures that have been taken of me (given the angle) I actually don't think I look HORRIBLE. (FYI Never let my friend Matt take any pictures of you, no matter how many he takes he will find the WORST angle possible of you and whoever is in the picture with you. DOn't say I didn't warn you). In fact, I'm starting to notice the loss in my face again. WOOHOO!!!!

I did measure with a tape measure. I know that is techincally a number, but sometimes even when the scale doesn't budge you can still LOSE inches. I will have to post these up for comparison another day. I don't remember the date that I took the initial measurements, but there were some changes. I have also figured out that my problem areas are going to be my arms and thighs, but hey - I have goals right?!!?

This is mostly a reminder to myself.... but THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE ISN'T ALWAYS GOING TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU AREN'T MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

Oh,and Self, only weigh once a week... per your therapist because otherwise you're going to drive yourself up the wall!

I hope you guys are seeing some changes too!!!!

Still Keeping Momentum....

So, you guys heard a LOT from me last week and not so much from me in the past few days. I'm still alive, I'm still kickin butt and taking names. Don't you worry, the Easter Bunny didn't take me prisoner.

Wednesday I took as an off day from the gym. You know what? I kind of wanted to go, but instead my mom and I went to go see Alice in 3D. It was AMAZING!!!! I'm a huge fan so for me it was like being a kid in a candy store. Plus it was date afternoon with mom which pretty much rocked a lot of face.

We didn't get popcorn. We didn't get candy. We split a Diet Coke and I snuck in a South Beach Granola bar in my purse (sorry movie theatre, start offering less over priced stuff and healthy alternatives and I won't have to!). It was chocolate of course so that cured that craving.

Thursday I went to the gym... had to run some errands and it was party time for Eric. We went out that night and even though we made cupcakes I had none (which was actually a huge victory for me because I had finally found Rainbow Chip icing which I haven't seen in years.... I didn't even lick the cake batter or the icing knife). In exchange for said rainbow chip deliciousness I agreed I could have a beer or two... which actually ended up being 3 but hey who is counting?!

DDed for the party... came home at 3:30am...slept til about 11... I didn't go to the gym on Friday either because I was exhausted... and I figured I would go sometime on Sunday.

Saturday I did W2D1 of C25K. I'll be honest... it sucked. Hard. I live in the South... home of pine trees and flowers and bumble bees and POLLEN. I mean, turn your car YELLOW and everything else from parking lots to mail boxes. Pollen sucks, especially if you have allergies. Now, fortunately I am blessed to not have my mother's sinuses (although I'm afraid I may be growing into them)... but it was really hard to breathe doing W2D1. I haven't had this problem before...it just felt like my lungs weren't filling up completely with air and I was really trying to concentrate on my breathing. One time, in the very middle I took an extra 30 seconds to walk to try to catch my breath because if I kept going it may have been bad.

However, I survived. :)

I will admit, I did have 1 whole cheese stick (one half 2 days in a row)...thanks to my parents for ordering pizza and cheese sticks. I also succombed to eating 1 fast food breakfast burrito which I justified by saying "well its mostly sausage and eggs... the tortilla isnt good, but I want it."

But - other than that I did fantastic, including Easter lunch. I do have enough sodium in my system that if I were to die right now they probably wouldn't have to embalm me.

The scale showed it this morning. 189.5. Today is back to water, water, water. :)

Have a great week everyone!