Owning up to your mistakes...

And taking responsibility is a lot harder than one would think. I don't so much have the problem with every day stuff, but when it comes to weight loss I really just want to bury my head in the sand.

At first I wanted to say "My scale hates me!" this morning, but you know what? My scale was in direct proportion to my eating habits and MY own choices. No one MADE me do anything, I chose what to put in my mouth, when to work out or when to skip working out... and the scale reflects those very things.

This journey isn't just about the number, inches lost, sizes lost, but about how I FEEL.... and part of how I feel about me is also in direct proportion to how much I love myself.

That's a really hard thing to do.

It's amazing how some days you can feel SO proud of your accomplishments, look in the mirror and really feel FANTASTIC about yourself and how other days when you haven't been on point or you slip up and make mistakes or when you just make the choice to not make a good decision and you feel poop on the bottom of someone's shoe.

I went to my best friend from home's little brother's graduation party on Saturday. I went over early and help set up tents, chairs, tables, etc outside. We went and got ballooons and some extra decorations. I had made the decision (against my therapist's judgement) to drink on Saturday. I was really struggling before as my therapist had suggested drinking only ONE beer. She explained that there will always be an occasion. Something will ALWAYS come up where we feel the need to splurge or partake and truth be told... she's right. There will always be a birthday, graduation, anniversary, celebration with old friends, celebration with new friends, etc. If we always make a justification we are never truly making the lifestyle change.

And as Jen from Prior Fat Girl pointed out the other day - it's amazing how quickly the bad habits and old lifestyle come BACK as opposed to the amount of time it took for us to get to our ideal weight/lifestyle.

Did I have fun? Yes. Was all of the beer worth it? No way.

Today the scale said 188.8. and it's right.... and it's amazing how awful I feel about myself after gaining 6 lbs... and it's amazing how quickly those 6 lbs came back.

Saturday I met people I had never seen before and I was so incredibly self conscious because I felt like doodoo.... and that confidence and spark and sense of achievement I have been radiating was no longer showing.

I have some things to look forward to over the next few weeks and hopefully that will help keep me motivated. Tony over at The Anti-Jared pointed out in his weekend post that typically May is the hardest month of weight loss. He said that over the past 2 years the trend has been to lose more followers.... you can go check out his blog for yourself but it was really enlightening.

So the question I have to ask myself is this: How bad do I want it? What is it that seems to be holding me back? Why am I not allowing myself to get into the 170s? How can I be truly prepared for occasions and eating out and things that I would typically justify "just this once?"

Okay, so that turned into a bunch of questions, but they're important none the less.

I hope all of your weeks are off to an amazing start... and if you're feeling like I am this morning, just know that only YOU are in control of how you allow yourself to feel. Let's put on our boxing gloves and take this beast down together!