It's not about the number...

In the past week I have weighed myself more than normal. I try to keep it to a bare minimum because I know that I am capable of being scale obsessed as well as being discouraged by the constant roller coaster we call weight loss (and water retention).

I was a little pouty this morning to see that the scale had gone up from 188...to 188.5 yesterday... to 195 this morning (followed by an error message and me quickly telling my scale "You're fucking RIGHT it was an error!!!").... to finally settle on 190.5. Oh 180s - do you HAVE to taunt me?

After throwing a pity party of one and trying to think over what may have caused this "gain".... even if it is only temporary I started thinking about some things that I should really be proud of.

Instead of treaing myself as myself (aka worst critic) I decided to treat myself as a friend (Holy Shit! I just had a major WOW moment). What would I tell one of my girls if they were in my boat? I would tell them that it's probably water weight, possibly sodium, it possibly has something to do with their work out regimine, hell, it may just be a small gain but they need to keep on keepin' on and it'll be back down in no time.

I get obsessed with numbers. If I were to tell you some of the things I do and things I add up and subtract and mulitiply in order to get the number X you would probably think I was the Rain Man (except I'm not THAT good at math).

If you were to take away my scale today... and say okay, for the next month you cannot weigh yourself.... I would flip my shit. But if you were to ask me, okay, if I had taken away your scale in the past 4 months and you couldn't see the physical number, how would you know you had lost weight? How would you describe that to me?

Well, number one my black slacks that I wear the hell out of for work... are LOOSE. Not only are they loose (hello, saggy butt!) but my belt, which I had to buy this summer because my other belt broke is too big too.

I really need to punch another hole in it so it can do it's job as a belt (meaning actually hold my pants up).

I've started to notice that on days when I don't take in too much sodium (my hands are notorious for being swollen in the morning) one of my rings is actually loose. The other ring is never loose mostly because I've worn it so much that it no longer looks like a perfectly round O... it looks more D shaped or U shaped. But either way, I'm glad my rings are getting loose again.

I've actually been able to wear a few shirts that before... didn't look so great. Including, one of the 2 new shirts I bought last summer. I remember when I wore the black version of the shirt last summer to a funeral it was awfully tight and I felt VERY uncomfortable. Now? I'm rocking it cause it's cute as hell. So yay, old clothes become "new" again when they fit.

Now that I've actually lost a "significant" amount of weight (lets face it, if some people I know lost 20 lbs it would be EXTREMELY noticeable because they are much smaller) people are starting to comment. Of course, this probably comes with the fact that I do have 2 pairs of pants I bought a few months ago that actually FIT rather than swallow me or have perpetual saggy booty.

I don't feel GREAT, but I'm starting to feel better in my body. When I started up C25K again I noticed it was MUCH easier to run than it ws 20 lbs ago. Imagine running around carrying a 20 lb bag of kitty litter with you everywhere. Granted, your weight is dispersed, but that's the equivalent. YUCK.

In recent pictures that have been taken of me (given the angle) I actually don't think I look HORRIBLE. (FYI Never let my friend Matt take any pictures of you, no matter how many he takes he will find the WORST angle possible of you and whoever is in the picture with you. DOn't say I didn't warn you). In fact, I'm starting to notice the loss in my face again. WOOHOO!!!!

I did measure with a tape measure. I know that is techincally a number, but sometimes even when the scale doesn't budge you can still LOSE inches. I will have to post these up for comparison another day. I don't remember the date that I took the initial measurements, but there were some changes. I have also figured out that my problem areas are going to be my arms and thighs, but hey - I have goals right?!!?

This is mostly a reminder to myself.... but THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE ISN'T ALWAYS GOING TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU AREN'T MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

Oh,and Self, only weigh once a week... per your therapist because otherwise you're going to drive yourself up the wall!

I hope you guys are seeing some changes too!!!!