Confessions....

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...


Okay it's not really that kind of confession, but I do have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I'm going to ask you to forgive the ranting I'm about to do.

For the most part I have been very encouraged by this process of lifestyle change. I have to thank my lovely ladies over at www.3fatchicks.com in the 20s something forum. Those ladies really do help keep me in check! It's a great sense of accountability. We lift each other up when we're down, we encourage each other daily and it's just an all around great group of girls.

This week has been the hardest week of my weight loss journey since I started the week before Christmas.

Last week wasn't good eating wise and the scale showed that. I didn't eat enough, I didn't eat enough veggies and while I didn't GAIN, I didn't lose either. I am so very tired of seeing 195.5. Now, I don't think I'm at some kind of plateau, I just think that I didn't lose because my body is in starvation mode vs. metabolism mode.

I drank a TON of water yesterday, I ate well... well, I'll save that story for later in this rant, and today I stepped on the scale. 197.5. WTF.

I know that it is probably water retention. I certainly didn't eat 23948348 calories yesterday causing an overnight gain of 2 lbs. The last thing I wanted to see was 195.5, much less 197.5. I guess you should be careful what you wish for, eh?

Another part of me knows that I struggle with the scale obsession. It constantly moves up and down. Sometimes giving a false hope, sometimes giving a false sense of discouragement. Hence the reason why my therapist (and most people) discourage weighing more than once a week. I really do try to keep it to a dull roar. Offical weigh in is on Wednesday, I like to weigh on Saturday or Sunday for a "mid week" update. I really don't think there's much harm in twice a week, HOWEVER, every day this week has NOT been good for my psyche.

Yesterday I had string cheese for breakfast, 2 cups of coffee, 6 glasses of water (and was peeing ever 5 minutes!), boiled shrimp for lunch.... and then I decided to kill my stomach. My afternoon snack when I got home was green beans. Not a big deal, but then I was still hungry so I ate some butter beans as well. Now, I already knew that was going to wreak havoc on the system because I put a BUNCH of fiber in it all at once, but hey, couldn't be that bad? Right? Right!

Until I saw and opened my package of the Asher's sugar free candy bars made with sugar alcohol. Some of you may be aware that any time you eat thing with sugar alcohol... it can cause a lot of gas or an upset stomach. Much like when you add in fiber, you evntaully get used it, so you just grin and bear it. Those are my sweet treats that get me through most of my cravings. Yes, they're a little high in carbs and probably aren't on the SBD list, but it's my guilty pleasure in this journey. I think I at least deserve that.

So... lots of veggies + candy bar with sugar alcohol was probably already NOT the smartest idea.

To top it off (this shows you how crazy I was yesterday apparently) I ate a bowl of my mom's hot and sour soup and a small portion of my Jumbasta. Full of tobasco sauce and poblano peppers.

This meant DISASTER.

And I paid for it... and paid for it some more last night. When I thought I couldn't go any more my stomach just grumbled at me disappointment.

I am left wondering if because I cleaned my system out so much it cause some kind of water retention this morning? Maybe it was the sodium. Who knows, but I WON'T be doing THAT again. Yuck.


I feel like I definitely have not planned enough for the week. I mean, what I've eaten is on plan, but I really need to start eating MORE often. Regardless, it's frustrating.

Last night Jenn, my friend's gf from ATL that came in town the other week, posted up pictures from the trip.

I'm weird about pictures. I am notoriously known for stealing a camera when people aren't looking and deleting what I consider to be "unbecoming" photos. I rarely take full body photos and I know how to angle the camera just right to make my face look thinner. That's what this fat ass does to make herself feel better.

Well, I didn't get that luxery. A few of the pictures were good, some of them I just looked and said "wow, I really thought I looked better... what are people going to think when they see how BIG I am?"

I really had to resist the temptation to untag myself in some of the pictures.

I didn't. You know why? Because last night, no matter how much I was beating myself up, no matter how much I hated myself... I realized I am who I am. If you don't like me you don't like me. My happiness is based on me, myself and I. Id, Ego, Super Ego. That's between me and me... not me and you. Go fuck yourself otherwise.

I think that a part of me feels like I've already lost 12 lbs and maybe I should look better?

Maybe I'm disappointed to not see a bigger change.

However, I'm not letting it break me. I am not letting myself get in my own head and say throw in the towel because I didn't see a loss in those pictures or I didn't see a loss on the scale this week.

I didn't see a TRUE gain either.

Instead, this needs to be my encouragement.

The positive side of this is that because I do not take very many full length pictures (aside from my oh so fabulous "before" pictures).... in 4 months I would like to look back on Jenn's pictures and say "LOOK HOW FAR I'VE COME! I'm not that person anymore!"

Keep on keepin' on everyone!