ne·glect [ni-glekt]

–verb (used with object)
1.to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight: The public neglected his genius for many years.
2.to be remiss in the care or treatment of: to neglect one's family; to neglect one's appearance.
3.to omit, through indifference or carelessness: to neglect to reply to an invitation.
4.to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.): to neglect the household chores.
5.to fail to take or use: to neglect no precaution.

–noun
6.an act or instance of neglecting; disregard; negligence: The neglect of the property was shameful.
7.the fact or state of being neglected: a beauty marred by neglect.

I think that about sums it up, ladies and gentlemen.

I went from "FUCK YEAH I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD" to "holy backslide, Batman."

Obviously it's been a LONG while since my last post. I had 3 weekends of travelling which ended up resulting in really horrible eating plus there were some concerts here and there and while my social life improved drastically, my eating suffered tremendously.

So here's where I'm at. This week is TOM, I weighed in on Tuesday morning at 194.5. Started TOM Tuesday afternoon. That was up 2 lbs from the previous week, and up 3.5 since my last update March 1st.

Last night was my last "hoorah." My dad is out of town so my mom and I went to IHOP where I indulged in yummy gluttenous food in preperations for battoning down the hatches. I felt guilty. Really, really guilty.

So, instead of this being a long sob story about how I'm not doing like I should be and I'm disappointed I haven't been losing weight when I've been eating like crap (doesn't really work that way unfortunately) I'm going to tell you guys my plan of action to get BACK in the saddle.

I'm going back to P1 of SBD. Which means NO wheaty-carbs for the next 7 days. The only carbs I'm getting are from veggies, no fruits either. Also, I decided to do calorie counting as well. I want to be more conscious of what I'm putting in my body as well. Fit Day says in order to reach my goal of 150 lbs by July I need to eat 1299 calories a day. My friend Stella suggested that I eat around 1200 a day and then I can allow myself some play on the weekends.

Back in December I cancelled my gym membership. I hadn't been in MONTHS and I was wasting $20 a month, plus school had was starting and I really knew I had no time so I cancelled the membership.

I am now a member of the gym again. I debating on joining the gym across the street from work. They're more high dollar, but they offer spin classes and all sorts of other things which I thought might be appealing. The only problem is this... a) I may run into students/parents from work. No thanks, especially when my fat ass is attempting to run on the treadmill or dying in a spin class b) I go to the chiro which is across the street from my old gym which is also about 15 minutes from home c) I figured I would be more motivated to drive 15 min vs. 30 min to the gym. d) the old gym is 24 hours. Granted, I have a hard time sleeping if I work out really late and you all know by now my ass doesn't get up any earlier than I have to so I'm not hitting the gym at 5am, but it's still nice to know you can if you want.

After weighing some pros and cons I decided to go BACK to the old gym. I am a card carrying member again.

My plan is to work out 5 days a week with 2 rest days. Wednesday will be one rest day and I guess I have the option of giving up Friday, Saturday or Sunday depending on the plans for the weekend. I know it sounds like a lot to bite off but lets face it - it's already the end of March. Which means summer is fast approaching. I don't want to feel like a freakin' whale again. I want ... no SCRATCH THAT BULLSHIT, WILL be 150 by July. I would LOVE to look better in June when I go to Starscape Festival with Jen and Jon (not to mention I would love for them to notice since I saw them in January). I want to be fit and I want to do lots of things I haven't done in a while. I want to feel more comfortable in tank tops and I want to feel better in general. I love having more energy and I know that working out will help with that. Plus I wanna be a cute lil hippy on my excursions this summer!!!! I mean, I'm already cute, but I want to exude "I FEEL FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC" about myself. So part of that is working out/eating better and another HUGE part of that is learning to LOVE ME the way I love other people.

More blogging! Just like on 3FC (which I haven't run away from, but haven't been posting as much either due to being on the go constantly) when you run away it's usually because you're hiding and ashamed. When I have a good day the first place I want to go is there and share my victories and joy, or here. However, there hasn't been much of a victory to post about lately so I've been hiding under my "I suck at this game" rock.


Better planning! Not just for my meals, but for life and working this lifestyle into the real world. One of the things my therapist and I talked about before I went on all of these trips was being prepared. I half heartedly said "uh huh, yeah, sure" to the ideas we threw out and now I'm really disappointed that I didn't follow through because she was right. So, you always need a back up plan. There are ways around everything you just have to be dedicated to it. Yes, it may take some will power, it may take some planning or a little more work, but is the number on the scale more important or is being lazy? I vote my scale because I'm tired of the freakin' 190s, I'm tired of this back slide and I'm ready to see the numbers fly down again.

A better attitude! Just going to reiterate that I really want to work on loving myself the way that I love other people. I have a really huge heart and I love people whole heartedly the way they are... and I try to see the best in them. Why do I have such a hard time doing that with myself?

I would like to say a special thanks to Jennierose and Haley. Those girls are my foundation right now. I know without a shadow of a doubt they will be kicking my ass and texting/calling/emailing me and bitching me out if I don't go to the gym and I don't eat well. I'm so proud of both of them. Haley has lost almost 90 lbs!!!!! Jennierose I think has lost about 50 (sorry if it's more!).

So yeah, there ya have it people. This is my struggle. A constant battle within my own head of self sabotage and getting back on the horse, but... I feel pretty confident about it.

OH... a few more things I forgot to mention. My therapy homework this week is to write about what I will do at goal weight. I'm talking nitty gritty how will I feel, what kind of clothes will I be wearing, what kind of activities will I be doing, etc. I have a whole list of things to write about. I'm pretty excited about it because I feel like it's my weight loss "dream board" and this will give me a push in the right direction.

AND... I want to make a list of things things I have done and the things I know I can do. I mean seriously -- I started this whole thing the week before Christmas! It was probably the HARDEST time of the year to do that with Christmas dinners and treats surrounding me. If I can resist THAT... I can resist my own temptation. I think maybe finding some clothes I want to wear... and reminding myself of things I look forward to doing will be a big motivator.