Sunday Check In!

I feel like I've updated a little more this week than usual so that's a good thing. This week has been traumatic and crazy, but I survived and you survived if you're reading this so.... we're starting off on the right foot! :)

This weekend has been okay. It started snowing on Friday night and where I'm from, the whole world shuts down for a little bit of snow. Granted, they had been predicting anywhere from 2-13 inches all week so no one really knew exactly how much we would get, but still...everything is at a stand still.

Obviously, I live in the south.

Now, as you may remember I was REALLY excited about making a home made whole wheat pizza. That was not in my cards this weekend as the hunt for whole wheat dough did not pan out and I was NOT about to "brave" the grocery store on Friday afternoon for whole wheat flour because it was a mad house. Not only that, but i get off of work at 3:00pm on Friday which is considerably earlier than most. Everyone was driving like the sky was falling and it just wasn't falling yet! Frustrating!

After dodging traffic and stopping at Walmart long enough to pick up a color printer cartridge so I could do my Bio homework this weekend I FINALLY made it home. *whew*

Let's see. Friday night my parents went out to a Mexican restaurant (pre-snow) and brought back ceviche for me, light on the jalepenos, with avocado, 86 the crunchy tortilla things they send home to eat it with (that are FREAKING AWESOME BTW). Score one for the parentals looking out! I ate the super yumminess and was still hungry a little while later so I made some Whole Grain Mac and Cheese (best stuff ever, in case you didn't read that before either). I'll admit it, I ate ALL of it, but I wanted to. I figure it was better than me binging out on everything else in the house. So be it.

Saturday morning was a little odd. Usually my parents are up early to take Stimpy to the vet, so they slept in on Saturday for the first time in 2 years. Phoenix (my other precious fur baby) was very vocal which is rare. I don't know if he was actually hungry or just needy because the big cat isn't home anymore and no one was awake to pay attention to him. Seriously, you would think no one EVER paid attention to him. We dote on him ALL OF THE TIME! Scrambled eggs with cheese and 2 slices of turkey bacon for breakfast. Along with a glass of milk and 2 cups of coffee later in the day.

For lunch I had some of the AWESOME South Beach friendly Italian Lentils & Sausage soup that Mom made the day before.

Dinner was the same with a can of green beans. Have I mentioned I love those too?

I have finally eaten all of my Asher's candy bars, so I ended up having one Sugar Free fudgesicle with a tablespoon of crunchy natural peanut butter. Not as good as those candy bars, but it sufficed.

I told you guys I was going to change my official weigh day to Wednesday so I could report to my therapist. Yesterday I was really conscious of my sodium intake. I only had ONE soda, I did drink 4 glasses of water and the 2 cups of coffee. I added a little salt on the green beans, the soup already had sausage in it so of course it was already salty.

What would the scale say this morning??!??! 195.5 ladies and gentlemen!

OHHHHH YEAHHHH!!!!

The 2.5 pound loss per week MAY be achievable!!!! Well, I know it is, but it means I have to dot my i's and cross my t's. I only have .5 lb to lose this week to be "on track." That's doable!!! So excited!!!!

If I keep this up, that would be mean Wednesday I will be down to 195.0. And within the next Week or so after that I will be taking ANOTHER progress picture. 192. Not only that, but that will put me at a total loss of 15 pounds total. ALMOST to 10%!!!!!

Hopefully something really cool and exciting will happen so I will have something worthwhile to post and can entertain you guys!!!!

Hope you're doing well!!!! Have a FANTASTIC week!

One of the best decisions I've ever made...

As you've probably gathered, I've been obese/overweight for the majority of my life.

There have been a few times in my late teens-now that I have dropped down in weight, but never to what I would consider the "magical" number I would consider myself skinny at. That number usually ranges from 135-145.

To be honest with you I don't even know what I would look like at 145 much less 135 because I don't remember the last time I saw that number. In fact, I remember in 8th grade applying for a magnet high school I wanted to attend and wanted to lose about 20pounds, so even then I was around 155. I remember thinking I was sooooo fat, which in comparison to those around me I was a bigger girl than most of my friends, but I realize I have a very bad issue body image distortion. Now, looking back on pictures, I realized that I had an incredible set of legs and I didn't really look as bad as I thought I did.

After many yo yo diets, after many intentions of eating healthier and working out, after many failed attempts at losing weight for good I realized I should take a different approach to this whole thing.

I am an over eater and I am a binge eater. There has to be some kind of psychological mojo to all of this and if I figure THAT part out, I feel like I will be equipped with the tools for success.

I started looking for therapists online dealing with eating disorders. I have never been officially diagnosed, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when you PLAN to go to the grocery store to get a box of Little Debbie cakes and consume most if not all of them in the car and hide the evidence... well, that's just not normal.

I found a therapist's website that specialized in women's health/eating disorders. What really stuck out to me is that Mrs. Deere was not only a psychologist with these specializations, BUT she had lost 112 lbs and kept it off for 6 years. This is someone that could really understand my struggles.

I made the appointment and I was so incredibly nervous all day. I have never been to a psychologist before and didn't know what to expect. Thinking back, I probably was nervous about the fact that I had to learn to FEEL my feelings and was also letting go of the comfort of emotional eating.

So far I've met with her 6 times. We meet once a week on Wednesdays. It has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. There are days when I feel like I am never going to break through my emotional blockages because I just don't "GET" them and there are days where I feel like everything is going to be alright. The main thing here is that I have HOPE. I have hope that I will learn to feel my feelings, I have hope that I will be able to break this cycle and I have hope that the 10 lbs I have lost so far are GONE FOR GOOD and that the remaining 50 I have to lose will be gone for good as well.

I have someone in my corner constantly. When I have been "bad" she absolves my sins. Sounds hokey, but you know what? Sometimes you need someone to tell you that it's okay and you are forgiven so that you can forgive yourself.

For those of you out there struggling with depression or eating disorders. I encourage you to grab this journey by the horns and kick it's ass. :)

What day is it again?

I am so thrown off right now. After an incredible weekend with friends from out of town. All in all I guess I really didn't do *that* bad. We ended up at an Irish pub. I had a very yummy Irish club (grilled chicken, cheese, bacon on white bread)and their homemade kettle chips which I didn't eat many of. Then there were a few beers. We left and went by a tattoo parlor. They had been toying with the ideas of getting new ink and who doesn't love new ink? Especially on vacation. They didn't end up getting anything done and we went to another sports bar where we had a few more drinks. Then I proceeded to drink a glass of wine when I got home because I wasn't buzzed and I wanted to be.... and I was. I stayed up way too late, but luckily didn't have to be at work until 8 (which really meant 8:30).

Got to work on Monday... and then I started to feel icky. I really don't think it was a hangover because I didn't feel bad all morning. I just started feeling like I wanted to throw up and I was hot and cold so I took my temp and I was running a little bit of a fever so I went home.

Then the day of doom began.

Long story short because to be honest I don't really want to get into the long story.... I have 2 cats. Now I have one cat. My oldest cat was almost 18, had cancer and the major issue he was suffering from was renal failure. For 2 years my parents have done everything in their power to help that cat maintain his quality of life as well as a pain free life. Which included taking him into the vet twice a week for pain patches, taking him for fluids every other day here at the end, getting him chicken to eat (which was his favorite) when he wouldn't eat anything else, etc.

Let me tell you, we are animal people. Always have been and I wouldn't trade that for the world. My parents look at their animals as their "other" children. I look at them as a brother or sister, or in my case with "my" cat... he is MY child. Now, saying that, we would do absolutely ANYTHING in our power to help them however we can when in need. My parents were blessed to be able to afford to keep Stimpy alive as long as they could. I'm talking seveal medications he was taking every day, the pain patches were $90 a week.... it got to the point that the vet didn't even charge my family for a vet visit each time. He was the hospitals mascot.

Watching the slow decline of his health was heart wrenching. Just like losing an old friend or watching a parent or grandparent deteriorate in front of you. We prayed and prayed that he would die in his sleep rather than us having to make the decision to put him down. Lets face it, who wants to kill their friend?

I got home from work and my mom was on the phone with the vet. It was time. She made an appointment for him at 3:00 and called my dad. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried for at least 3 hours. My parents cried. We took him to the vet and he didn't even put up a fight, not the he would've, but I've heard of animals that almost know its coming and freak out the whole way. Instead he rested. He was a tired cat.... he was worn out and he put up a fight to stay with us as long as he could.

And then he was gone.

I didn't study on Sunday... I didn't study on Monday afternoon. I didn't go to work Tuesday. I still wasn't feeling good, I was emotionally exhausted and desparately needed to study. That's what I did.

I bombed the CRAP out of my bio test, but I figure there are 7. Go ahead and do really bad on one and then you have it out of the way for the semester.

After 2 really bad days...

I woke up feeling more centered today than I have in quite a while.

TOM is finally almost over. I feel like it's been coming on FOREVER....

I think I'm going to change my weigh in day to Wednesdays so I can report to my therapist. I weighed in at 197.5 this morning. 2 lbs down from what I had been seeing all week, but only .5 down from my lowest weigh in on the 17th. I'll take it!

I didn't freak out this morning when I got to work and there were papers all over my desk from where they covered for me yesterday. Normally I FREAK because my OCD doesn't allow me to do much otherwise. Before I came in the building I told myself to breathe and to get over it.... I knew what was going to happen and it was inevitable.

When I was getting ready to write my blog I was looking at my weigh ins. For a split second I was discouraged because I was thinking "only .5 down over the past 10 days!?!?!" I guess I just need to get used to that with TOM. On the other hand, I am EXTREMELY encouraged because I will be seeing Mike in 11 weeks. 77 days! If I lost 2.5 lbs per week I will be able to reach my goal of 170 by April 17th.

A few of the girls and I on 3FC are having a "2.5 CLUB" where we really push each other. Let's face it -- you don't lose 2.5 lbs per week cheating here and there, not drinking enough water or drinking on the weekends. This means DISCIPLINE!!!!!

I'm motivated.

I know I keep saying this, but I think it's time to incorporate exercise back in. I keep avoiding it to be honest because with school I'm so busy that when I come home all I want to do is sit on the couch. On the weekends all I do is study so my breaks are for "me."

Also, since we're putting everything out there, I'm afraid if I start exercising I'll start gaining. I have resistance bands I want to do and I know they work, but I don't want to add on a bunch of muscle weight. :( Yes, today, the number on the scale is more important that being tones. Note I said FOR TODAY...

Howver, I guess I could start exercising and see how my body reacts to it. Hell, it might hurt and if I'm losing it anyway -- WHY NOT?! HAHA

I keep thinking today is Monday since my days are all off.

I have therapy today, school tomorrow night and this weekend I will be making an organic whole wheat pizza. I'm really excited about this! If anyone has any suggestions for recipes, etc please let me know! I will be posting whatever recipe I use and pictures of the process!!!!

Continue to have a great week everyone!!!!

We made it another week...

So after my melt down Friday I would say this weekend has been really good.

Special shout out to Mrs. Fatass(of Did I Just Eat That Out Loud) for the well wishes! Thank you. If you guys haven't checked out her blog you should. She's adorable and an amazing writer!!! :)

The Nutrition test went well. There were only a few questions I second guessed myself on, but overall I feel like I kicked its ass! I will keep you guys posted.

TOM is finally here. WHEW. After 3 months with no period (due to a yearly girl check up and then an abnormal pap which resulted in me having to have a biopsy -- everything came back normal and negative so I'm not completely falling apart) I just kept taking my BC.... and whew can we say BLOATED?

My parents brought home wings for me last night. I really shouldn't' have eaten them because they were fried, but I did anyway and I paid for it last night. YUCK!

Weighed in this morning knowing it was going to be up due to TOM, but was pleasantly surprised it was 199. Down .5 from earlier in the week so I feel like post time I should be down a few more pounds. YAY!

Today is a planned diversion because I have friends coming in from out of town to visit on their way up to Pittsburgh. Not really sure what our plans are. I have to say,t here really isn't much to do in this town.... nothing I want to do anyway. We had thought about seeing Avatar (to which I admitted my disappointment because why am I going to sit in a theatre for 2 hours where I can't talk to friends I haven't seen in over a year,) but they are sold out. So we'll figure something out I suppose? I am really excited to see them though!!!! :)

My therapist told me to do something for myself this week and I did that yesterday. After my test I came home, was finally able to get into my OWN car (my doors were frozen shut and I had to take my mom's car to campus for the test) I drove around BLARING some good dnb (Aaron Simpson's Through The Fire mix). I went to the mall to check out Sunglasses Hut. Here's my dilema of sorts.... I have a fabulous pair of BLACK sunglasses. I mean, BLACK BLACK you cant see though them at sundown because they are so dark. Which I love and got for free.... I don't even know where they came from or what company makes them. I've been eyeing a pair of Rayban aviators for a while and if I'm going to spend $170 on a pair of sunglasses then I'm going to get what I want. When I went to SH and showed the guy working my loves he was floored. He said he'd never seen a pair so dark before and basically told me I wouldn't find any anywhere.... not even a pair that weren't aviators. *SHRUGS* I will find them!!!

Treated myself to Starbucks. I have given up my wonderful Iced Chais with soy for unsweetened green tea that I throw 2 packs of splenda in.... and lemme tell you, its nice to pay $2.07 for a medium drink rather than $4.20!

I figured I would stop by my optometrist office because I need to set up an appointment for an eye exam in February anyway. I haven't had my eyes checked in at least 3 years. It's def time and I would like a new pair of frames. They were closed....

I came home and proceeded to listen to music for about 3 hours. When I say listen to music... I literally had my head phones on, perused Youtube and sang my little heart out at the top of my lungs. It was fabulous and I was happy.

Afterwards I had some lunch (cream of mushroom soup, green beans and broccoli and cheese), watched House which was DVRed.

Then came the most EPIC 3 hour couch nap.

BLISS!

I watched part of The Peaceful Warrior last night and finally fell asleep. I would definitely recommend watching this movie. I haven't finished it yet, but it is AMAZING. Thanks Mikey for the suggestion!

I've picked up around the house some today. Laundry is currently going. Have some clothes to hang up.... shower and Jen and Jon will be arriving around 1:30 or 2:00.

I'm pretty sure I'll be in the dog house with my father later. My Great Aunt Peggy died this week and her funeral is today at 3. I'm sorry, don't get me wrong, I am fond of Peggy and I understand this is for respect of the family and to "honor her life," but I don't do funerals anymore. That is another topic for another day. I think Peggy would be okay with me enjoying my day with friends... and this has been planned for over a month. While the funeral was mentioned, no one asked me to go, my mother asked if I was GOING to go last night to which I replied no.

I'm off to go finish chores and getting ready to see my dear friends.

Have a great Sunday everyone. Remember to enjoy your day, enjoy those around you and to BE IN THE MOMENT.

<3

I'm still here..

It's Friday. Thank God... well, it was a sucky Friday, but it's here. I have been inundated with school work and I am exhausted.

So...the eating has been good this week. The only "bad" thing I've had this week (that was still technically OP) is a grilled chicken sandwhich with cheese on a whole wheat bun from Chick Fil A.

I even opted out on the Italian restaurant my parents invited me to tonight.

I weighed in a few times this week at 199.5. Up 199.5 but I'm still blaming sodium and TOM should be here ANNNNY moment so I'm most def blaming that too. Definitely not discouraged by any means.

I have my first nutrition exam tomorrow morning. I feel under prepared and should be studying vs. blogging but I'll be honest...

I have ZERO motivation right now and I'm tired. I typed up all of the answers on the review sheet we were given. I need to go print it out and read over it until I fall asleep. The testing center is open from 8-12. I would like to be there around 8 which means with a 45 minute ride I should probably leave here no later than 7:30. There WILL be coffee.

And I don't think if I go to sleep now I will wake up early enough to continue studying because... I know myself, I like my sleep.

So... off to do real world things.

I hope you are all doing well and staying ON PLAN! :) No matter how frustrating things get... we have to keep on keepin' on if we REALLY want change, right?

Reminds me of the quote "Keep your coins, I want change..."

Good night all. Send some good test vibes my way!

And it's Sunday ALREADY!?!?!

Ahhh, glorious Sunday, you are here again.

I spent the morning watching "1o Questions with the Dalai Lama." It is amazing. I suggest everyone watch it. I kind of knew the gist of what had happened with Tibet, but was still very uneducated and while I am no expert I at least understand a little bit more and about the cultural GENOCIDE taking place. It is very sad and is so amazing to see the 14th Dalai Lama continuing his stance of non violence. He isn't even MAD at China for what they have done... makes me feel a little selfish getting pissed off over stupid things when there are much bigger fish to fry.

I weighed in this morning at 198! Meaning I have officially reached my FIRST mini goal. My mini goals are in sets of 10. Meaning 198, 188, 178, 168, 158, 148.... My MAIN big goal for right now is 150 and then finding an even ground somewhere between 150-140. I will have to see how low my body will go and also what I look healthy at. I've never been under 150 in my adult life so I'm not sure what "too thin" will look like or what number it will fall at.

But I'm excited. So my next big goal is 188!!!! And I have lost the first 10 lbs in a month which is ROCKIN! I'm sure if I keep up with staying ON PLAN, drinking water and working some exercise in that it will continue to keep on with a steady loss of 2 lbs per week. JULY HERE I COME!!!

I have procrastinated WAYYYYY too much today so I must go hop in the shower and get to studying. Luckily I have tomorrow off, but have LOTS I need to know for lab on Tuesday so I need to get my ass in gear.

I'll make a point to check back in as soon as possible. Bear with me, life is a little crazy right now.

Also, I have decided I will do another progress photo every 10 lbs. I did my first around 202 so I will be taking the next at 192. No sense in taking too many pictures too often, I won't see any progress.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYONE!!!

I am attempting trying to do some changes around here so if things look a little screwy at any point bear with me!!!