One of the best decisions I've ever made...

As you've probably gathered, I've been obese/overweight for the majority of my life.

There have been a few times in my late teens-now that I have dropped down in weight, but never to what I would consider the "magical" number I would consider myself skinny at. That number usually ranges from 135-145.

To be honest with you I don't even know what I would look like at 145 much less 135 because I don't remember the last time I saw that number. In fact, I remember in 8th grade applying for a magnet high school I wanted to attend and wanted to lose about 20pounds, so even then I was around 155. I remember thinking I was sooooo fat, which in comparison to those around me I was a bigger girl than most of my friends, but I realize I have a very bad issue body image distortion. Now, looking back on pictures, I realized that I had an incredible set of legs and I didn't really look as bad as I thought I did.

After many yo yo diets, after many intentions of eating healthier and working out, after many failed attempts at losing weight for good I realized I should take a different approach to this whole thing.

I am an over eater and I am a binge eater. There has to be some kind of psychological mojo to all of this and if I figure THAT part out, I feel like I will be equipped with the tools for success.

I started looking for therapists online dealing with eating disorders. I have never been officially diagnosed, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when you PLAN to go to the grocery store to get a box of Little Debbie cakes and consume most if not all of them in the car and hide the evidence... well, that's just not normal.

I found a therapist's website that specialized in women's health/eating disorders. What really stuck out to me is that Mrs. Deere was not only a psychologist with these specializations, BUT she had lost 112 lbs and kept it off for 6 years. This is someone that could really understand my struggles.

I made the appointment and I was so incredibly nervous all day. I have never been to a psychologist before and didn't know what to expect. Thinking back, I probably was nervous about the fact that I had to learn to FEEL my feelings and was also letting go of the comfort of emotional eating.

So far I've met with her 6 times. We meet once a week on Wednesdays. It has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. There are days when I feel like I am never going to break through my emotional blockages because I just don't "GET" them and there are days where I feel like everything is going to be alright. The main thing here is that I have HOPE. I have hope that I will learn to feel my feelings, I have hope that I will be able to break this cycle and I have hope that the 10 lbs I have lost so far are GONE FOR GOOD and that the remaining 50 I have to lose will be gone for good as well.

I have someone in my corner constantly. When I have been "bad" she absolves my sins. Sounds hokey, but you know what? Sometimes you need someone to tell you that it's okay and you are forgiven so that you can forgive yourself.

For those of you out there struggling with depression or eating disorders. I encourage you to grab this journey by the horns and kick it's ass. :)

Holy SHIT!!! I'm Losing It!

Hi Everyone,

Let me start off with introducing myself and also explaining why the hell I'm here. First of all, pardon my French. I cuss like a sailor, but it's me. Don't like it, don't read it. It's as simple as that.

My name is Emily. I'm 26 years old. I'm a compulsive binge/over eater and I'm overweight. I weigh 202 lbs today and I'm GOING to lose at least 50 pounds, putting me within my healthy weight/BMI. Ideally I would like to get down to 135, but realistically it will probably be between 140-145 pounds. I have always been overweight. This didn't just creep up on me but I have yo-yoed up and down over the years. My heighest weight over my life time has been recently (over the last 4 months or so) and I topped out at about 210 lbs. When I started seeing my therapist/just before I started my lifestyle change I weighed in at 207.5.

This time is different. [I know you're probably thinking you've heard this from EVERY person on a diet.] Seriously. This is not a diet. A diet implies coming OFF of this path. I am undergoing a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. One that I can maintain and also one that includes "PLANNED DIVERSIONS."


So what's this different this time you ask?

I've been here before... but this time I am recognizing that I am a compulsive binge/over eater. I understand that there are emotional and psychological issues that accompany my lack of caring for myself and I'm actually seeing a therapist once a week.

Previously I have done the Atkin's Diet. It worked well as I am definitely a carb addict, but when you add all of those bad carbs back -- you gain all of that weight too. I have done the Weight Watchers Points system which was really awesome and I had success with, but constantly counting and adding and all of the crap is really a hassle!

My therapist suggested I try the South Beach "Lifestyle" (diet is a no-no word, remember?). It takes out all of those refined sugars and carbs that are bad for you and trigger you in my case to eat until your miserable, eat some more and then EAT SOME MORE!

I just finished my 2nd week of Phase 1 on what I will now refer to as SBL (South Beach Lifestyle). I was *AMAZED* to see my cravings go away for sweets and foods late at night. That is typically the time I am more inclined to binge. I also dropped 6 pounds during the first 2 weeks. HOORAY!

As we all know Christmas just passed. I was really amazed at how well I did leading up until vacation. I passed on ALL goodies at work. And let me tell you ... the people I work with LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to eat!!! There were cookies, candy, cake, you name it... it was there. Didn't have *ONE* bite. So this is also a reminder to myself that if I can start a lifestyle change during the HARDEST part of the year, then there is NO reason as to why I cannot keep this up throughout the year.

I did have a "planned diversion" on Christmas. What the hell is a PD? It's when you PLAN on not being on plan only to start right back ON plan after your diversion. Makes sense right? We plan out our meals... we plan out our diversions. Also, we have back up plans ALWAYS. This makes staying OP much easier. I ate within REASON and didn't pile up my plate too crazily. I did make sure to eat mostly foods that are allowed during Phase 1. And I sure as hell enjoyed my mother's home made carrot cake! In fact, I did have a minor slip up a few days later. What can I say? It was calling my name. I obsessed over wanting it for a few hours, had it and then it was done with. Haven't thought about it since.

I would LOVE to check in every day. Which I will try my hardest. The next few days shouldn't be a problem, but I do go back to work on Monday. I also start back to school next week as well. That's right -- I work a 40 hour work week and I go to school part time at night. Currently I am a pre-nursing student. Anatomy & Physiology 1 and Nutrition Controversies and Concepts are on my plate this semester. It is going to be grueling, but I am planning on kicking ass and taking names. Good grades. Good health. Good weight loss. Good Attitude!!!!


*I would also like to state on here that I am NOT a doctor, dietitian, therapist nor in any way, shape or form have the right to tell you what to do, what you shouldn't do or give out any medical advice. As always recommended make sure you consult a physician before you start a new diet.*