I'm going down swinging...

Man, what a rocky couple of days. I'm sure I've alluded to it a few times, but I work for a school system. The last few weeks is always the worst. Kids have spring fever, I have spring fever, kids are ready to be done with school, adults are ready for kids to be done with school and to top it all off all of the adults in the building are sick and tired of each other as well. It's like a snowball rolling downhill of people becoming progressively grumpier and grumpier.

There was one day where I was pissed and had enough. Then yesterday I was so mad I really thought my head was going to spin around like the girl in The Exorcist and I was going to spew split pea soup everywhere. I haven't been that mad in a LONG time.

There have been some valuable lessons this week though.

I went to the gym on Tuesday. I worked out for 40 minutes. I felt SO much better. I know that even though I was dragging my feet to get there I still ended up leaving there feeling like a different person. The frustrations of the day melted away as the sweat dripped down my back.

I HAVE to remind myself of that feeling.

So Monday and Wednesday I opted for no gym. Today I have my bag packed and will be heading over when I leave work.

Eating has been okay but not perfect by anymeans. There's an effort there and for me, right now, that's what counts.

One of the other big lessons for the week has been about recognizing my emotions when I binge. Monday night I had dinner and was still kind of hungry. I tried to allow my stomach to catch up with my brain since I tend to scarf down food and not really enjoy it or give my body time to recognize whether or not I'm full. One of my friends came over and I gave him the other cheeseburger (grilled at home with a whole wheat sandwich thin ;) ) that I had contemplated eating. We sat around and played some cards and when he left I decided to delve into part of what I had packed for lunch the next day.

Who the hell does that?!?!?!!

I consciously recognized what I was doing yet I didn't have the power to stop myself. BUT... I guess the breakthrough here is that I RECOGNIZED the emotion that I was feeling and what I was "stuffing down."

Sounds kind of weird considering the fact that I "chose" to do it anyway, but sometimes recognition, no matter what the outcome is the BIGGEST milestone one can have. Kind of like AA - The first step is being willing to admit that you have a problem.

Now one of the other things I'm dealing with this week is how to step out of my comfort zone. I realize that as I've gained a little more weight lately I have become more self conscious than I was 10 lbs ago. (Yes, that's right ladies and gents.... the scale gave me a whopping 186.4 the other morning when I stepped on it. A 10 lb gain from last July. SERIOUSLY, self?!?!?! I digress...) Granted, I'm not in a depression like I was when I started this journey and I have done a really fabulous job of branching out and making lots of new friends, but I just don't FEEL great. I look in the mirror and it's "Ohhhh my tummy is getting bigger" or whatever else that is bothering me and I pick myself apart. This in turn causes me to back away from some things.

One of the reasons I joined my gym was because not only is the facility AMAZING (which it is although I have come to LOATHE the company since they fucked me over big time) but they offer lots of classes. I thought that would keep my motivation going if I was tired of just doing cardio/weights/personal training. The truth is it probably would. I will be the first to admit... I am chicken shit when it comes to going to these classes by myself. I am CLUMSY (don't even get me started on what happened as I was attempting to leave my house this morning) and afraid I will either face plant or do something completely WRONG and have the instructor call me out on it. Granted, this would probably never happen, but in my head I have built it up into somehow I will manage to single myself out and I will then pee my pants. Simliar to Mrs. Fatass's story about going to noisy Zumba. (Although she didn't lose any bodily funtions THIS time.) She and Drazil have both made posts recently about how they stepped out of their comfort zone and they didn't die. They didn't even break out into hives (which thankfully does not happen to me to begin with).

Unfortunately the classes at the gym I go to don't start until 4:30 on some days (which is doable) or 5:30 on others. I am at the gym by 3:45. There are few days when I work out for an hour and a half. Even then, that's a long time to work out and hang around to do a 45 minute class. I have a feeling if I go home and sit down I won't make it back out to the gym again and I'm not a fan of workout DVDs. So what do I do?

Like I put in my post earlier this week - this lifestyle change is about COMMITMENT. Whether it's waking up at 4:30 to be at the gym in time to work out BEFORE work (which I still haven't done cause that's not my cup of tea) or making time after you work a full time job and a part time job or squeezing it inbetween. If you want it you have to go after it and you have to MAKE time for it in your schedule. It's not going to fit itself in.

My roommate goes to a different gym down the road. They offer a free 3 day trial pass that I am going to use next week to take some classes with her. I feel like if I at least go to a class one with someone I will have a better idea of what it entails when I take my chicken self to the class at my gym next time.

There's also a gym that I go to down the street from where I live that would be convenient to go "back" to for a class opposed to a 25 minute drive back to the gym I go to regularly now. It's still about making the commitment.

So here is to you and here is to ME ---- for learning how to embrace imperfection and making the best of it. It may be a bumpy ride but we're figuring it out.

Round 5,367

You know what the great thing about being a human being is? We're fallible. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. We struggle.

I feel like I'm a little hampster on a wheel - spinning round and round. I say the same things over and over, I want to make the same commitments over and over... yet when I fail in the least bit I get discouraged and throw in the towel completely. It's that whole "I just ate a meal of stuff I 'SHOULDN'T' so I'm going to scrap the rest of the day because I've already messed up" mind set. In truth it should be, "I didn't make the best choices, but that doesn't mean I have to continue to make bad choices" mentality.

My friend Phil mentioned to me the other day that when he met me in October I seemed happier. Granted, I met him at a weekend long camp out where I was ECSTATIC to be there and then I the next weekend I had not one but TWO 311 concerts to go to... it was an exciting point in my life. It still made me stop and think - what's different now from then?

I was eating well, I was working out and even though I had stalled out as far as my weight loss was going (yep, still yo-yoing the same freakin 5 lbs) I was motivated.

Around December I think there was a large part of me that was disappointed in myself that I hadn't met my goal a year later. I still deserve a freakin' pat on the back though for losing and keeping off 25 lbs consistently for a year, but I was burnt out and more than anything else I was disheartened.

Why can't I be more committed to this? I have ALL of the tools that I need, but I struggle, struggle, struggle.

Weight loss and a lifestyle change is no joke. It makes it even more complicated when you're a compulsive overeater/binge eater.

I know I've brushed over this topic before. I know people who don't suffer from it don't understand it - they look at you and say that you no will power; they say that you're lazy; they judge you.

Compulsive overeating is an eating disorder. Compulsive overeating is an ADDICTION. There I said it. I put it out there.

The difference between me and an alcoholic? Not much except for the fact that an alcoholic or a drug addict can make the CHOICE to stay away from alcohol for drugs. I HAVE to eat to live. Pretty effed up, huh?

I'm not looking to make excuses about "oh I have a disorder or I'm addicted to food" so that's why I'm overweight. It can't be something constantly blamed and used as a crutch. "Oh, it's okay to over eat because I have a problem. It's okay to not deal with my emotions because I'll just stuff them down. Literally."

Again, I have the tools to combat the issues, but it's realizing that I am human and I am not perfect and that no one else has a right to judge me about my decisions that I need to be okay with.

I also need to remember (as I've said over and over and over and over *insert hampster wheel HERE*) that until I REACH my goal, I cannot act like I am in maintainance mode. There are sacrifices I need to make, but I have had good practice maintaining.

I think it's time to sit down and REALISTICALLY assess what it is that I can do for myself. Things I need to do for myself. Things I NEED to make time for because those are committments. Those are things that get shit done. That is what makes a difference in both my HEALTH AND my HAPPINESS.

You know what's really great? Just when I'm wanting to kick start myself a challenge like this comes along from Jen over at Prior Fat Girl. So excited!

CHA-CHA-CHA-CHANGES!

Personally I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. Mostly because mine never come to fruition so I just gave up on them many moons ago, but I do believe in reassessing and writing down goals. Last year I had a whole list of goals. I did not accomplish all of those goals, but the ones I did I'm really excited about. If nothing else it was a great exercise about setting out intentions and about being specific with them (although in my case this year my lack of being specific worked out brilliantly!).

I will admit that the holidays were a wash. As much as I had managed to motivate myself it deteriorated and was side swiped by foods that I wanted to eat and I'll admit that on my 10 days off of work over the holidays there was A LOT of alcohol consumed.... and NO gym.

So here are some things that I am working on... they are GOALS, not resolutions.

I stepped on the scale Tuesday morning and it read 188 (let me tell you how HORRIFIED I was to see that I had gained almost 10 lbs!). Granted, TOM is supposed to be here any minute, but still. EEK! Time to get my butt in gear!

THIS YEAR I WILL LOSE AT LEAST 40 lbs. That would have me sitting at about 145. I can ammend from there as I don't really know how I will look at this weight because I don't ever remember being at that weight, at least not in my adult life.

I am refocusing mostly on my eating. I was doing South Beach which I like because as long as it's on plan I can essentially eat however much I want, but part of healthy eating is not OVER eating.

For the next month and a half I am not consuming any alcohol. I want to see how it affects my weight loss efforts and it will save money as well.

I am currently taking a month off from my trainer for financial purposes. Working for the state I only get paid monthly and there are 6 weeks between pay checks in December and the end of January. I am not forcing myself to go to the gym 5 days a week but that is the overall goal. 3 at the minimum.

I will go from there. Basically I'm trying to get back on track without causing myself to get burnt out or overwhelemd.

----------------------------------
One of my a-ha moments for this week was that I realized I am not eating enough during the day. By the time I get home (work out or no work out) I am ready to eat the whole house. After a work out I'm thinking about eating the house and my cats.

My biggest meal has ALWAYS been dinner. I have to start eating breakfast and incorporating more snacks into my diet. At the peak of my weight loss I was eating every few hours. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. I definitely need to add more protein into my daily diet as well.

I know I have been going back and forth for so long about whether or not I want to count calories. I did WW before and was successful while I kept up with it. I just don't like the monotony of weighing, measuring and calculating. However, we ALL know that the simple equation is CALORIES IN VS. CALORIES OUT. DUH!

I have started posting on 3FC again. That's a HUGE part of my success and accountability, but I do know that I miss the accountability of seeing my therapist. I am currently considering Weight Watchers meetings. I've heard varying opinions on those. Any thoughts?

So yeah -- BACK ON TRACK. I don't want to spend another summer fat and this girl def doesn't wanna be buried in her fat pants!!!

.+*LATER NEVER EXISTS*+.

Mini - Update

I just got home from the gym. After work I went to the gym. Hopped on the arctrainer (my Bff) FOR 20 minutes before I met with my trainer. I forgot my super awesome Polar FT4 at home today in my rush to get out of the house, but the machine said I burnt roughly 250 calories. Then I went and met with my trainer. We didn't do anything crazy (meaning she actually didn't make me do 324803248 lunges or jump lunges which I HATE), but we took our time and she didn't have an appointment after me so we actually worked out for about an hour. We did a lot of squats and some weird leg lift thingies and a lot of upper body work and abs...

Right now I feel FANTASTIC. I feel like I have a handle on things again. I feel like I'm back in the game.

I hope this feeling lasts.

Also, my mom made my favorite soup for dinner. I think she might be psychic, I'd been thinking about it for a few days.

Life is good. I CAN DO THIS!

What's Different?

I have been reflecting on the past year as next Tuesday will mark my one year anniversary of my "lifestyle change." I've done some amazing things that have impressed myself. I have fallen many times and I look back on those things with guilt, but at the end of the day I know I deserve a pat on the back because no matter how much I've struggled, I have overcome and continue to try. I couldn't say that a year ago, much less two or three years ago.

Am I where I want to be? Not hardly, but I have learned a great deal about my emotions, eating better, working out and that I am capable of doing things I never thought I could.

I have been racking my brain to see what is different about where I am on my journey right now and where I was one year ago. A lot of things have changed. A lot of things aren't where I want them to be... so, I ask myself, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

A year ago I KNEW that if I didn't get a handle on my emotions that emotional eating would continue to take over my life as it has for the majority of it. I knew I would continue gaining weight and that I would continue to be obese for the rest of my life. Essentially, I would end up like my father. My father strugles with heart disease (that runs in my family) and is a borderline diabetic.

I KNEW that I had a serious sugar addiction which caused my binges. I KNEW that I wanted that to stop.

I had a fire somewhere within me. I KNEW that it was important to start therapy. In fact, I remember when I intially emailed the therapist I was thinking about going to see that I told her "I'm ready to grab this by the horns..."

Where'd the horn grabbing motivation go?

Yesterday, after a great convo with the man that is ALWAYS in my corner (my friend Matt), I realized where the motivation went...

I haven't been LOSING any weight since July. That kind of takes the fizz out of your soda when you stop seeing the scale move yet you're going through the motions. It makes you tired. It makes you want to give up because you're doing SOME of the work, but not seeing any results.

So what is my stumbling block, again, what's DIFFERENT?

I haven't been planning my meals. It used to be on Saturdays I would get up, go the gym, peruse some recipes online and figure out something to cook on Sunday for the week. Typically I would fix one big meal (as I was cooking for myself the majority of the time) that would be lunch/dinner until at least Wednesday. Sometimes I would also cook a smaller meal to change it up because eating the SAME thing for 3-4 days KILLS me.

I haven't been eating breakfast. I know this may be a shocker to some of you... I've NEVER been a breakfast person. In fact, I don't like getting up any earlier than I have to. This morning I woke up at 6:10. Took a shower and was out the door by 6:35. I'm not hungry in the morning. If I eat too early I have to choke my food down and it makes me feel icky. I used to eat breakfast AT WORK between 9-10. Then I would be hungry again around 12-1 and I would eat lunch. I KNOW how much of a difference this makes with jump starting your metabolism because if I don't eat anything in the morning I can easily go until late in the afternoon before I eat lunch.

I haven't been tracking my meals. When I did WW I wrote everything down religiously. I KNOW that it makes a HUGE difference in what you eat when you write everything down. Even if you aren't tracking calories or points, there are some things you think twice about eating because do you REALLY want to write them down?!

Something else that really hit me hard in my convo with Matt was this...

"Stop being scared of your own abilities and just let go."

HOLY SHIT! He hit the NAIL ON THE HEAD.

As someone with OCD and a perfectionism complex combined with a procrastination complex I often find that there are things I really want to accomplish, but I don't do them because I am too afraid of my own failure. If I look back on the past year I have had a lot of what I would consider "failures," BUT I'M STILL HERE. I'M STILL OVERCOMING, I'M STILL WANTING TO STICK WITH IT. I just need to get my head out of my ass and START DOING IT AGAIN.

What's the famous quote?

"The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”

I keep saying "oh man, I'm not in therapy anymore, I'm so bummed." The truth of the matter is that I was given ALL of the tools that I need to learn to deal with my emotions, I have a great support group and I have all of the resources in the world to manage my compulsive over eating/binging. There's really no room for EXCUSES....

LATER NEVER EXISTS, right?

Again, Genius Friend moment brought up that I can't do HALF of the work during the week, play ridiculously hard on the weekend and expect to see results. You have to do ALL of the work during the week and if you play hard on the weekend that means you will MAINTAIN. I think I've proven to myself that I can do that, now it's time to prove to myself that I can get the rest of this weight off.

And my own light bulb moment that went off again - WHY AM I SO AFRIAD OF GETTING OFF THIS WEIGHT? WHAT AM I AFRAID TO SHOW PEOPLE, rather than hiding behind the "fat girl facade" so that I can make excuses for people not being interested in me or not wanting them to get close to me. That's all of my own bullshit. I have a great personality, I'm a VERY cute girl... people like me or they don't like me and losing weight isn't going to magically fix any of life's problems. In fact, it may create some more that I haven't experienced before.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE because I feel like for the past few months all this "blog" has been is me bitching about what I need to do and how things aren't going to the way I want them to and this is what I'm "GOING" to do, but none of that has happened.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing consistantly and expecting a different result every time... apparently I have been IN-FUCKING-SANE for the past 6 months. (Come on, I had a good laugh at that, you should too).

I tend to get overwhelmed making big plans for myself... I look at the list (like I made during my last post) and think "oh man, that's SO much to change." For now I know that I WILL START PLANNING MY MEALS again and that I WILL START WRITING DOWN WHAT I'M EATING. Of course, I'll be at the gym, but for right now I can't promise you 5 days a week. I just know that as Jen over at Prior Fat Girl says...

I will take it

"ONE BITE AT A TIME. ONE STEP AT A TIME."

UH WTF....

I'm not really sure what happened yesterday, but my eating started to go downhill an then it just snowballed from there.

I will admit, I have not been well prepared with my meals lately. Especially since it's the end of the month - this month has had 5 weeks in it - and because I live the life of a rockstar (i.e. acting like an idiot and not saving money the way I should) I am ALWAYS beyond broke by the end of the month (which is another thing I really need to work on).

I rarely eat breakfast which is another big problem I know I need to fix. I'm never hungry in the morning, but in order to get my metabolism going I HAVE to start eating something in the morning.

Yesterday I ate:

a pack of cheese crackers
an apple with sunflower butter (simliar to PB)
a lean cuisine lasagna meal
1/2 of a protein bar
some potato chips when I got home
almost a whole package of saltine crackers
thai soup w. pork and noodles for dinner
a peppermint stick
then I woke up in the middle of the night and ate MORE potato chips and 2 more peppermint sticks
Oh yeah, I also had a piece of caramel/white chocolate dipped apple that my mom made

Now, I probably would have been okay had I not gone downhill with the chips, crackers and candy.

I was ready to eat my arm off due to my workout, but I was just out of control.

TOM is here so that certainly didn't help, but I KNEW what I was doing and just couldn't stop. Now I feel like crap emotionally and physically.

UGH. Fuck compulsive eating.

I wanted to post this just so I could put it out there. It happens and I know that it's over and done with and I can't change it now so I shouldn't beat myself up, but I have all of these plans for what I WILL be changing and I feel like I keep standing in my own way.

RAHHHHHH. /rant

Pick up the phone....

I put a call out to some of my accountability partners. I emailed them part of my post from yesterday saying what I WILL be doing to get back on track and how I will be continuing to work on this journey.

Another one of my friends had basically outlined what she will be doing between now and Christmas. Can you believe it's only 8 weeks away? HOLY COW! Also, December 14th is the one year anniversary of my starting my lifestyle change. It will be interesting to do a reflection post about how my life and health has changed since that time. All I can do is give myself a big pat on the back for sticking with it. Even though I've had my ups and downs, my really on point days and my really off days/weeks. I'm still standing and if I get knocked down, I'm still getting up. Even if I have to crawl a little. Even if I need a helping hand.

Now, I am NOT looking forward to the food fest known as Christmas time where I work. It seems to be inundated with candy, treats, and more candy and treats. I've said it before, I'll say it again -- teachers like to eat and I have never seen a group of people eat more food in my life. I DO remember however, that I made it through Christmas at work last year. I mean, who decides to start a diet/lifestyle change AT CHRISTMAS? My crazy ass. I know I can get through it. I just need to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.

With all of that being said here is my plan for the next 8 weeks. It also includes my planned diversions.... notice - PLANNED.

Here we go:

I am planning on ONE off plan meal this weekend which will be Sunday night at the Vortex. I am planning on going to the gym both Friday afternoon AND Saturday morning, mind you, that will be 5 days for this week, but I wasn't planning on Saturday originally. I may also try to extend some of my workouts to an hour or so vs. 45 minutes to add in a little extra.

Next week (11/1-11/7) I will be on plan the entire week, and make up for the extra drinking I will be doing at the wedding on 11/06 by going to the gym (again on Saturday for a total of 6 days). I will try to make the best choices possible as they are serving heavy hors doeuvres.

The following week (11/8-11/14) I will be on plan the entire week. I will try to extend my gym time as the next weekend is my birthday. I will eat, drink and be merry on my birthday weekend. I will not beat myself up about this. Monday morning I am back OP 110%.

The week and a half of (11/15-11/24) I will be on plan the entire week. I will go to the gym my regular 5 days and try to fit in some extended time if possible. I will eat, drink and be merry on Thanksgiving. I don't actually think the day itself will be that bad. It is with my immediate family only and we are doing all of our favorite foods and seafood this year. Then again, there's my mom's sweet potato pie that I will fight someone over. :)

11/25-12/25 I will continue to be on plan with my plan. :) Christmas I will allow myself to eat, drink and be merry. I can make up for the difference that week with an extra day at the gym or extended time AT the gym.

Then we have new years where I will probably go to the gym an extra day to make up for drinking ON NYE.

So yeah.... when you break it down like you did it doesn't sound that bad. :)

Let's Get Real....

Wow, I thought a month going by was bad.... um how about THREE months sailing by. I've become one of those people. One of those wanna be bloggy people that just suddenly trails off when times get hard and you dont' really want to face yourself or anyone else and it's easier to hide behind the excuses than it is to type it out.

I started this blog for myself. Let's face it. I only have a handful of followers (and thank you for that, dear readers!), but this was really about trying to keep myself accountable.

Accountability: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

I will take responsibility for my actions, but it's just been such a slippery slope.

I checked in over at Mrs. Fatass's this morning and one of her posts really struck me. It jumped out and I let out a sigh of "holy shit, that's exactly how I feel right now." It's about comebacks and feeling like we just don't have any fight left in us and somehow we dig down and there's a second wind there and we just have to remember to keep pushing through, no matter how hard we've already fought. Go check it out.

I haven't been posting on 3FC. I haven't been talking/emailing as much with my support buddies. Excuses aside we're all really busy. The beginning of the school years are the most hectic time and I guess I just fell into the lackadaisical way of life.

I never understood before why people who have been on their lifestyle journey say "I'm tired.... I'm just so very tired." Now I do because I've been at that point. I'm tired of eating well, I'm tired of going to the gym, I'm tired of feeling bad about going out drinking with my friends because it negates all of the work I've done during the week. I'm tired of being obsessed with food. I'm tired of waking up at 2am and wanting to eat everything in my house even though I AM NOT HUNGRY. I'm tired of not seeing the scale moving.

That's part of what being a compulisive overeater/binge eater is about. It is so very fucking frustrating. I will NOT be hungry, however it's like I'm on autopilot and will stuff my face. Over the past year I have become more aware of this because of my therapy, but sometimes even though you "wake up" in the midst of it you keep on doing it anyway. It's a vicious cycle.

I had been thinking of switching over strictly to calorie counting from South Beach. Here's the thing though, I've been frustrated with wanting to eat sugary things, with wanting to eat potatoes (one of my major vices haha!), etc. I figured if I do calorie counting I don't feel deprived of those things. I know that the basic equation of weight loss IS calories in vs. calories out, but in my test runs here and there I have noticed this. The thing I LOVE about South Beach is that I don't have to weigh my food, I don't have to add up numbers at the beginning/end of the day. I can eat as much of it as I want (although let's face it, we need to be within reason) and I can still lose weight. I DON'T have the sugar cravings and I DON'T HAVE THE BINGES nearly as often. Since I've been doing more portion control and adding in things that are NOT on South Beach and trying to simply watch calories I have been waking up in the middle of the night and eating. I have been CRAVING, CRAVING, CRAVING sugars, sweets and junk food.

Now, I cannot simply blame adding sugar into my diet for the binges and the eating. There is a much deeper side to this story as well. I have been in therapy for the past 10 months with an AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING woman who not only lost over 120 lbs and has kept it off for 6+ years, but is a compulsive over eater/binge eater as well. It was someone who could really understand where I was coming from and this led me to be incredibly comfortable with her. I felt like she was more of a friend than she was a stiff doctor. When I began seeing her a year ago she had told me there was a possiblity she would be moving which I was fine with. She was up front so you can't hate on that. So a few weeks ago she broke the news that she had finally sold her house and even though I was very excited for her and the journey she was getting ready to take off to I was very surprised at how much if affected me. I actually got a little choked up when she told me. I'm not sure which was more surprising, the fact that she had sold her house and was moving so quickly or the fact that I was emotional about it. Probably the latter.

This is going to sound weird but I feel a little abandoned. Both she and my chiropractor moved (although I was able to hunt down my chiro and he is in the same area YAY!). I felt like the 2 people who have done the best work on me both up and left and what am I supposed to do now? I have all of the tools I need to be able to control/overcome/manage my binge eating, it's just a matter of using them, but I def feel like since all of this went down and my schedule changed, etc that it's gotten out of control again.

I've been really great at maintaining, but I need to remember that I can do that when I reach my goal, which I am not at now. I need to remember that it's okay to have a planned diversion here and there, not EVERY weekend. I need to remember that there will always be a party, a graduation, a birthday, a camp out, a wedding, a Friday funday, sporting event, etc. etc. That does not give me a "get out of jail free" pass every single time to do as I please.

I KNOW these things, I've written about these things, I am aware of these things, but I need to start DOING these things.

So here is part of my plan:

*I need to will start planning out my meals again.
*I need to will start writing down EVERYTHING I am eating because it makes me think twice about what I am eating. (I have a handy food journal I bought that I have YET to use.)
*I need to will find a support system again.
*I need to will start going to the gym more consistantly - meaning 5 days a week.
*I need to will start doing weight training 3 times a week (meaning doing it even when I don't see my trainer).
*I need to will be doing 45 minutes of cardio 5 days a week. Which means if I only get in 25 minutes BEFORE training I still need to make up for the rest AFTER I'm done with my trainer.
*I need to will drink more water.
*I need to will drink less alcohol.
*I need to will start making SMALLER goals for myself. (ex. Instead of the goal being 170. I need to will make the goal 175. Instead of saying I'm going to go to the gym 20 times a month, I need to focus on the week at hand so I don't get overwhelmed.)
*I need to will start using my daily quotes/affirmation cards every day to help keep my eye on the prize.
*I need to will reward myself with things that do not involve alcohol or food, however at every 10 lbs lost I AM allowed to have a planned diversion meal. This is to help "reset" my body which my therapist suggested and told me I'm allowed to do. This is for ONE MEAL ONLY.
*I need to will go out of my comfort zone and start doing some classes here and there at my gym or going swimming. That was one of the reasons I wanted to go to the gym I'm at in the first place. I love my gym, but I'm shy and a little chicken when it comes to wanting to go to the classes because I feel like I'll look like an idiot.

Sorry for the novel people. I had about 3 months of shit to get off of my chest. :)

What will YOU start doing?

Um A month? Seriously?!

Wow. I had no idea it had been almost a whole month since I updated this thing.

The basic run down is this - I work for the school system. From the beginning of August to the end of September is our busiest time of the year (to put it mildly). The opening of the school year is SO hard and entails more than I could have ever imagined since I, prior to 2.5 years ago, had never worked in a school system or cared much about it.

I have realized (once again) that my weight loss is mostly foiled by my weekends. I can eat great on the week, work out 4-5 times a week (or lately 2-3 times..oops) and then I throw it ALL away on the weekend. I had bounced up at one point (after a wonderful long weekend at the beach that was no lie full of carb loading and beer) to 185.

I am happy to say that this morning the scale gods finally decided to have mercy upon me and I actually saw 178.8. Granted, I haven't been eating as MUCH as I should, but I have been completely on plan and it's probably okay because I haven't been working out really over the past week and a half.

I go BACK to my trainer tonight. She was on vacay last week, I had to cancel on Tuesday because I had too much work to do (poor planning on my part once again) and I know she is going to kick my ass.

The plan is that next week I will resume the 5 DAYS A WEEK at the gym with a more regular schedule including finally hitting up some of the classes I have yet to take advantage of at my awesome gym.

So here we go again.

I have 30 more lbs to lose to hit my first BIG goal and will be able to lose from there what I feel comfortable with..... By my birthday? Perhaps. By Christmas?! DEFINITELY!!!!

I hope you all have continued to do well on this journey. If there is one thing I have learned its that maintaining should be doable.... I have been getting lots of practice. LOL.

What's the best way to learn to run?

Sign up for a 5k!

Then get your friends to sign up with you so you have people that are PLANNING on running with you.

Holy shit.

I think I may have lost my damn mind.

In my last post I touched on the fact that I've always wanted to be a runner. To experience a runner's high and feel the freedom that I always hear about. However, I've NEVER been a runner and unsuccessfully completed C25K twice now.

I got this crazy idea in my head that I would force myself to do it if I signed up for a 5K. So I am. It's going to be December 4th.

I know this sounds bad but I don't really care what kind of run it supports (this happens to be arthritis), I just want to run a 5k and say OMG I did it!

This will be just before my ONE YEAR anniversary of starting a lifestyle change and a HUGE personal accomplishment.

Here's my plan:

On Monday I will be re-starting week 1 of C25K.

I figure even if it takes me 12 weeks to complete the program INDOORS that will give me another 6 weeks to train outdoors. Score!!!! I know that road running will be much different as well as running in the COLD. Even if I decide to do some training during the fall it's a hell of a lot cooler than the 110 degree heat indexes we've had here recently.

And... there may be some really exciting breaking news regarding this LATER. So keep an eye on this blogspot. ;)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

"It's time to worry about YOU and not everyone else..."

Is what I was told this morning. It should probably be a motto for me. I'll admit it I'm nosey. I gossip. That's something in the future I would like to work on (hooray, just one more thing to add on to the list)...

I admit that sometimes, when I post on the 3FC forum and I see that other people are heavier than me and wear smaller clothes it makes me really frustrated.

I understand that all bodies are not created equally.

Just because I understand that doesn't mean that it doesn't get to me.

So I was venting to my friend about someone who is almost 50 lbs heavier than me and only ONE inch taller than me that can wear a much smaller pant size. I'm still in the 16-18s and this person claimed they can wear a size 12. Granted, I do not know that it may be vanity sizing.

I have a big ass. Serious junk in the trunk. Big hips. Always have, probably always will. I love my curves, but I could stand to lose what I have dubbed my "hippo thighs."

My friend literally said to me "I'm putting my foot down, you need to worry about YOU and not worry about what everyone else is doing."

You know what? She's right on the money and I'm glad she put her foot down with me. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now.

Instead of being worried with what everyone else is doing, how much weight everyone else is losing, how people who ask me about weight loss but then refuse to do anything themselves are doing...

I need to be worried about bringing MY personal A-Game. I need to start being gracious for the things I have, for the things I'm doing for MYSELF. I'm not doing this for anyone else.... this is about ME. Worry about ME.

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I had a complete melt down last week. I never really realized just how important my schedule is to me. I had Monday off of work. My therapist took me out to dinner for my celebratory "You made it to the 170s" dinner on Tuesday. I completely forgot about my therapy appointment on Wednesday (first time I've done that). I thought I had a session with my personal trainer on Wednesday which I did not. Thursday I hit rock bottom. I became so frustrated with the routine of working out, eating well (ish), that I just mentally exhausted myself. This lifestyle change is NOT easy by any means. I'm constantly pulling back layers of myself (which is why I'm in therapy) and I was done for the week. D-O-N-E DONE!

I cancelled my training appointment on Thursday (a first for me which I'm kind of proud of, but not proud I cancelled), I didn't work out for the rest of the weekend and I ate whatever I wanted. Not cool.

TOM is here (and almost gone, YAY). I weighed in yesterday at 180.0. Not happy about it, but I'm really hoping it will go down after TOM has left for the month.

I got back to the gym yesterday afternoon which felt good after taking a week off. I don't have any PT appointments this week because in NOT making my appointment last week I wasn't able to sign up for my appointments THIS week and she didn't have any availability after I got off of work. So next week it is. I'm hoping to be able to have 3 sessions next week since I missed 1 this week.

I have some goals for myself. Some shorter term, but mostly LONG term.

I am *crossing fingers* buying my ticket for the SUPER FUCKING FABULOUSLY AWESOME 311 concert at the Fox Theatre in ATL on HALLOWEEN. They're doing an ultra rare set so I'm hoping the universe is still loving me and is holding a ticket for me.

My goal is to lose another 30 lbs (10 lbs per month) before then.

If I make this goal my other goal is to get a sexy/sassy Halloween costume. I've never worn one and I think I deserve/want this.

I'm thinking something along these lines:




OR



I am an Alice fan through and through but the Queen costume is super hot. Even I can admit that.

I've always wanted to be a runner. Mostly because I despise it. I felt like if I could become a runner that it would be a huge accomplishment because I hate running and have never felt able to do it or wasn't physically able to do it. I've tried doing the C25K program and floundered around and gave up twice now.

I want something to motivate me to do that. What more can motivate you than SIGNING UP FOR A 5K?

I have found 2 possible dates - November 6 or December 4. I posted on FB asking if any of my local friends are interested and already got a response. Soooo - I have about 14 weeks to train for it (if we decide on the Nov. 6 date). Honestly, I would like MORE training time because I'm scared, BUT I think it would be pretty damn cool to have a 5K under my belt 8 days shy of my 27th birthday.

That's all the big news I have for now. Time to get FOCUSED.

How do you all get focused on your goals?

HALF WAY: 30 down, 31 to go

I'm just as tired of bitching about my struggle with the 180s as you are of reading about it...

but the good news is I FINALLY BROKE MY PLATEAU!!!! I'm not really sure what kick started it. I had a very indulgent 4th of July weekend (which really meant I drank entirely too much Saturday night when out celebrating one of my best friend's birthdays).... then I didn't eat much for the next 2 days. I flew. Came home. Had chinese food one night... and have been eating on plan since then.

I jumped on the scale Saturday morning and was greeted by the number 177.2. HOLY SHIT!!!! I'M LOSING IT! FINALLY!!!!

My personal trainer had asked me to start a food journal. Of course who wants to show up to their trainer and have a list that says "I've been eating junk." It definitely helps for a bit of accountability.

Friday I planned out my shoe string budget meal. I had some staples I could use at the house, found recipes for a few things I could make this week, looked up some stuff online and budgeted accordingly. $25 later I came home with groceries for the week.

Eating this week consists of: egg mcmuffins for breakfast (whole wheat english muffin, 1 egg, a slice of american cheese and a little bit of mayo.

15 bean soup. Hobbit Shire Soup (found the recipe online, I'll post a recipe once I decide if it's edible or not), some whole wheat pasta (always a staple for a fat kid), apples, oranges, bananas, some fiber one bars (not completely OP, but it could be much worse), peanut butter, salads, turkey burger patties and veggies.

Sounds pretty yummy, huh?

Saturday night I went to go celebrate my brother's girlfriend's graduation. I hadn't seen some of those people since April. I was blown away by all of the nice compliments of how great I'm looking. Granted, I'm not letting it go to my head, but it's nice to have other people notice, especially when you've been busting your ass (literally) trying to make a difference.

On top of breaking into the 170s it really made me smile and has made me feel like my hard work is really paying off.

I am officially 30 lbs down. 31 lbs away from my goal of 145. Granted, I don't really know how I'll look when I get there, so there may be some tweaking, but to see 145 on the scale will be a HUGE accomplishment for myself. I can't remember the last time I saw that.

I've been tracking my food religiously (calories and all), doing my journaling and using the South Beach plan as a guideline. I haven't been tracking calories in the past and finally gave in. My trainer said with my work out routine I can eat about 1700 calories a day. Since Friday it seems that I have been anywhere between 1100 and 1500 which I'm fine with. She and I can talk about it this week (or this coming week).

This morning I weighed in at 176.8 which I am totally fine with. It's amazing how I went from bouncing around the same 3 lbs or so to being almost 5 lbs down and half way through the 170s already.

I'm hoping I can keep this momentum. I really feel motivated to kick these last 30 lbs.... I know it will be my hardest to get rid of, especially as I get closer to 145. It's making my birthday goal of 150 seem obtainable. What an amazing birthday gift to myself... "Happy birthday, here's a healthy version of YOU!"

The new school year starts August 25 and I also have a trip to Florida planned for Labor Day weekend. I would really love to be another 10 lbs down (165ish).

Time to bring my A-Game!

A Lesson In Manifesting....

Okay so this is where you may think I'm a little crazier than I already am.

I do believe in the power of manifestation. I do believe that our thoughts shape our past, present and future.

I believe that if you TRUELY believe something that you can make it happen.

The problem is sometimes making yourself really believe it. Our bodies are powerful things, but so are our minds. Often we can put our bodies through grueling tasks much easier than we can put our minds through it.

This may sound silly, but it really is a lesson I learned today.

I love the band Train. I've always liked them but went to go see them this past March in an intimate venue. It may have been 1000 people, but it was in an old theatre with fantastic acoustics and their stage performance (combined with Pat's ability to sing) really made me fall in love. Pat was BORN to sing. He LOVES to sing and he can give you chills at the drop of a dime. In fact, he sang a song completely unplugged. No mic. No nothin. You could've heard a pin drop in that theatre and it was a really beautiful moment. I couldn't walk out of that concert not loving them.

Train will be playing with John Mayer (who I could care less about truthfully) here on Saturday. The local radio station is doing a "Listener Lounge" promotion where it is a small, intimate setting. Train will play a 5-7 song set from 3-5pm.

So last night Meredith and I were on the phone and I kept telling her "We just have to say we're going to win and we will."

This morning when I got in my car the very first song I heard on the radio was "Meet Virginia." What a great way to start off the day I was going to win those tickets!

I get to work and started listening. I was even listening on my phone (via IHeartRadio). I got a text message and turned off the radio. Meredith called my office phone and told me to start calling.

I did. I called and called and called and called and called. To the point I was thinking "they have got to have a winner." Called some more. Then someone answered:

"G105."
"Um hey, do you guys still have Train tickets?"
"What?"
"Do you still have the listener lounge tickets for Train?"
"Who?"
"TRAIN!"
"Yeah, you're caller 15!"

Which was then followed by a lot of "NO! SERIOUSLY? OMG. ARE YOU SEROIUS? NO, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!" and a lot of not being able to breathe and my adrenelin was pumping so fast I was shaking and I thought he was messing with me because he already started off that way....

SERIOUSLY! I WON THE FUCKING TICKETS!!!!

I am the proud owner of 2 tickets to the Red Room Listener Lounge event.

I ran into Meredith's office. Shut the door and said "Don't scream."

We proceeded to scream and hop in circles like 2 12 year old girls because that is what we turn into with things like that. Maybe we just regress to when we met our freshman year of high school....

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Cool story, huh?

I started thinking about how easily I manifested that. How I just said I was going to and did. How it HAPPENED! (OMG I've never won anything on the radio before.)

Now the lesson in manifesting my weight loss, health and fitness begins.

I WILL break into the 170s.

I WILL hit my goal weight.

I WILL continue to be healthy for the rest of my life.

I WILL continue to work out and enjoy being physically active.

I WILL get this body of mine toned up.

I WILL love my body.

I WILL treat it better.

I WILL look the way I want to.

I WILL not be frustrated.

I WILL keep on truckin' with a smile on my face.

How about you?

Good ol' NSV...

For those of you that are unfamiliar with what NSV means... its a non scale victory. It isn't determined by that pesky number many of us are obsessed with that can make one bless or curse their scale.

I have been working out steadily for the last few months. I have been bouncing around the same 5 lbs (more recently the same 2) for the past month.

I will be going out of town tonight to go visit friends in Atlanta. More importantly to celebrate the birthday of one of my nearest and dearest and to hang with some more of my nearest and dearest I haven't seen in over a year.

I'm probably about the same weight I was when I saw them. However, I'm glad I can say I'm about the same weight and NOT 25 lbs heavier.

We're going out on the town Saturday night when means I actually have to get dressed up. I'm such a tomboy that I HATE this, but stupid dress codes mean that I have to oblige and lets face it... every now and then it's fun to get semi dolled up and feel good about yourself. I've been busting my ass... I need a night to strut my shit even if no one else thinks it (but I don't think that will be a problem).

A few years ago when I was much smaller I bought this awesome top. It's a halter top with a flowy material over the top of a tank underneath. Can you tell I'm not a fashionista because i have no idea wtf this material is called. ANYWAY, I digress, it's a really cute top.

I tried it on a month or two ago just to see how it fit and I wasn't too happy. When I was packing my suit case last night I thought I would throw it on for shits and giggles to see how it fit.

Again, havent been losing so much, but I have been working out twice a week with my trainer, plus an additional 3 days a week with myself or my work out buddy which includes a day of doing weights on my own on top of cardio.

The other night my trainer asked how I thought things were going. If I liked what we were doing and how I was doing with losing weight. I told her that I can't seem to get over this hump but I was feeling good. She asked if I was noticing a difference in my clothing and said that I looked like I was losing weight. She intially took my measurements when we started working out together but won't take them again for another 2-4 weeks. I have not taken them on my own since.

I tried on the top.

It fits.

So as you can imagine, these NON SCALE VICTORIES can mean a lot, especially when the stupid @#$@#$ (#!@$&!)#!@(# !@_)!@(# scale doens't always say what you would like it to.

I hope you all have a FANTASTIC 4th of July. Whether you are celebrating it in style, going out of town or just taking time to relax.

Updates will follow next week! :)

This is why therapy rocks....

So I had a semi-enlightening therapy session last night. I realized a few things:


#1) my birthday (which is in NOVEMBER) is about 12 weeks away. HOLY MOLY that is NOT that far off. Where the heck does the time go?

#2) She pointed out that anything worth doing is worth sacrificing for... meaning that the beer and random dinners (off plan) I like to participate in are what I'm going to be able to do more of during maintenance... not so much right now (not meaning I have to deprive myself, but I can't do it EVERY weekend and those 3 beers really need to be 1 beer or no beers).

#3) That sometimes I feel that if I don't partipate I'm going to be excluded and while other people may be dealing with their own issues interally mine are more obvious on the outside because I'm choosing not to drink/eat off plan and therefore people are going to ask me about it.

#4) Instead of going out to a bar/tap room/wherever we will be eating/drinking I need to suggest another activity that may not put me in that position.

#5) With a boost in confidence comes complacency to an extent. When I feel better about myself and I know I look better I am not chomping at the bit quite as hard as I was 25 lbs ago.... but I still have another 40 lbs I really want to lose.

I don't want it to sound like I'm saying "oh I'm depriving myself" because I'm not but I need to get it through this thick head of mine that in order to continue losing I need to be ON PLAN 99% of the time like I was when I first started.

So my goal (even though I hate giving myself specific dates) is to be at 150 on my birthday (11/14). That's another 32 lbs.... 12 weeks... 2.5 lbs / week.

How bad do I want it?!

Food for thought I thought maybe some of those things might help you guys out too.
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I'm still going to personal training. I'm still going and doing cardio 4-5 days a week. I even have a gym buddy! WOOHOO! Which makes it a lot easier when I'm being grumpy and don't want to get out of bed on Saturday and I get a text that says "hey do you want to meet at such and such a time." Well, truth be told NO I don't want to but am I going to? You bet your ass I am.

I'm going to be starting a food journal after I get back from Atlanta (July 1-6). I will be logging EVERYTHING I put in my mouth. I'm hoping this will help keep me more accountable and I can also see if I'm going off track anywhere... and while I still refuse to count calories maybe I can keep a rough estimate of what I am eating so I have an idea there too. I downloaded a nifty calorie counter on my iphone which makes life easier, especially on the go.

I haven't been posting much (on here or over on 3FC) because life is so chaotic. 10 hour work days + gym and then FINALLY getting home at night to have to eat, go to bed and do it all over again is exhausting and doesn't leave much time, but the important thing is that I'm still doing it even if I'm not posting about it every day.

I'm not dead...

I know it's been a while since my last post. Every time I tried to sit down and write it recently I would get distracted then de-motivated and I would stop mid post.

So here's the general run down of what's been going on with me.

I'm still working out. I'm still eating on plan. I'm still strugging with these STUPID 180s, but I'm not discouraged.

I actually started working out 2 times a week with a personal trainer. I really like working with her because I've never done weight training and have NO clue what to do. It was actually pretty intimidating so it's nice to learn what I can do (and can do on my own) to build lean muscle/tone up.

The first guy I saw for my "assessment" worked me too hard. I could barely walk in Savannah... it hurt that bad. Lee, my trainer, never pushes me TOO hard. I mean don't get me wrong, she pushes me, but not to the point that I'm in pain...

with the exception of Monday which I didn't even realize was going to be a problem. We worked on biceps and I couldn't stretch my arms all the way out for 2 days, but now we're good and I will tell her tomorrow when I see her that it was a little too much. I guess we need to knock the weight down a little.

I really am trying not to beat myself up for being so out of shape. I get tired and I cannot do a lot as far as weights are concerned with the upper body. But she always reminds me that I have to start somewhere and I'm making the choice to start so we'll get there but it's going to take work. Having HER say that to me means a lot.

I've been doing 4-5 days of cardio, 2 days WITH the trainer and then I try to incorporate a 3rd day where I do some of the exercises on my own.

I'm really digging it.

Yesterday I weighed in at 183.4. I couldn't exactly figure out WHY. I had gotten down to 181.8. Granted last Thursday we went out after work and I did partake in some fried pickle chips and I had 3 beers, but I didn't drink any this weekend and I behaved myself relatively well.... minus that one episode with the donut that taunted me.

TOM started yesterday so I'm hoping that explains the jump back up and will hopefully provide a nice woosh post.... I'm really ready to see the 170s.

Since it is now summer time (and I work for the public school system) my schedule has now switched to 4-10 hour days meaning I work from 7-5pm. Then I go to the gym and go home....and by then it's dinner time and bed time to start all over again. The plus side is a guaranteed 3 day weekend and if I'm lucky (like this weekend) I get a 4 day weekend and don't have to take any vacation time!

And a side note to the 170s - I'M COMING TO GET YOUR ASS.... seriously. <3 me

It has been 6 days since my last confession...

Whew! Alright, let's play catch up here. Don't worry, it will be the abbreviated synopsis.

Last weekend I had a breakthrough. Granted, it wasn't perfect, but it still showed me some things. I went to go visit friends that live about 1.5 hours away. I hadn't eaten anything all day (got there around 2pm) so I was ready to eat a small baby at that point. They took me to Mexican. I really have to start avoiding Mexican, it's like taking an alcoholic to the liquor store. I just can't say not to queso. So 2 beers, chips and salsa and BBQ chicken nachos we split between the 3 of us later I wasn't exactly off to a good start.

We met some of their friends for dinner and I had the grilled chicken salad and 2 beers. Oh yeah, there may have been 2 bread rolls involved too, but still, a vast improvement from stuffing my face with chicken tenders and fries.

Sunday morning we went to IHOP. While I wanted to order 23048209384 pancakes I opted for the omelet instead. The downfall here was the order of hash browns. By the time they came I didn't even want to eat them but I had ordered them so I felt bad.... their omelets are super sized so it was MORE than enough (I only ate half). I ate half of the hash browns, but stopped. So again, not perfect, but at least I was making better choices out of the poor choices, right?

The rest of the holiday weekend was on plan. I worked out Friday night, Sunday and Monday morning.

I managed at one point to be down to 181 (I think this was Sunday after drinking the 4 beers on Saturday) so I figured it was probably due to dehydration.

I've been bouncing/hovering between 182-184. Either way, I didn't have to unravel crazy amounts of damage from the weekend and that was nice.

I have a 3 day work week this week because I'm taking a big trip to Savannah this weekend. I was supposed to go to the Starscape Festival in Baltimore this weekend. That's another story, but needless to say I'm not going and really disappointed. Check it out online it's an amazing jam band meets techno festival they do every year with some really amazing artists. *pouts* But I made NEW plans and it's still going to be awesome.

I haven't made time to work out. Monday I did, Tuesday I had errands to run and some cleaning to do around the house, Wednesday night is therapy which leaves today. Glorious Thursday, which is also my day with the trainer at the new gym. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I did find out the hotel I'm staying in Friday and Saturday has a gym in its facility. If April doesn't get off of work early tomorrow then I may go work out and shower before she comes back. And I will more than likely wake up before everyone else on Saturday so maybe I can squeeze a work out in then.

So the HOPE for this weekend is to drink a lot of alcohol, have a lot of fun, but keep the eating on plan.

Does anyone have any cool suggestions for things you HAVE to do when you go to Savannah? I'm with locals but you know, they're probably tired and bored of it because they live there.

Savannah is considered to be one of the most haunted places in the U.S. I am SO excited as I love paranormal stuff.

Hopefully I will return with lots of cool pics!!!! [Maybe a ghost or 2 included]

Oh and P.S. Could you guys please cross your fingers that my bathing suit top comes in the mail today. I would really like to take it with me this weekend!

<3

Possibly getting back to where I was?

WOW! I just looked over at my weigh in log... Do you know it took me ONE MONTH to set myself back straight again? Do you know that could have been one month I was focused and continued to lose?


But you know what? The important lesson here is that I got back on track, even if it did take a month. So I'm pretty happy about THAT aspect of it at least.

I joined a new gym yesterday. I am SOOOOO excited. It's a big chain and its more expensive than my other gym but it has soooo much more that it offers. They have a boat load of various classes which was my main thing. I really want to go try some out for a few different reasons. 1) To change up my routine and keep myself interested 2) I know I will push myself harder if I am in a class because I don't want to be the punk half assing it in the back 3) I hope it will help me work on other parts of my body not just the cardio.

Don't get me wrong cardio is great. I really love it. I can tell that my body is definitly getting up endurance because now the first 10-15 minutes on the arc trainer is a breeze (its the last 15-30 minutes thats a little harder). But I know that once I get this weight off I am really going to have to tone up and work on my ENTIRE body if I'm going to be happy. Classes will be good for that.

Also the gym is across the street (ish) from work which means I can hop over there after work or during the summer (when time is more flexible) I can go BEFORE work, take a shower then scoot over to work. If I'm 15-30 minutes late it won't matter because things are much different.

So yes - VERY excited. I'm also nervous/excited about the assessment with the trainer. I know they do this to try to rope you in, but I had already told myself that when I get down to 150 I was going to look into a trainer because I know the last 5-10 lbs or so is going to be harder to get off. Plus why wait until you're at goal when you can already be toning up. It may take a little longer (or maybe not) to get there but I think I will be a lot more satisfied. So we'll see how it goes and hopefully he can show me some things to do weight wise because truth be told I get really intimidated by weights mostly because I don't know how to use them or if I'm using them correctly to achieve what I want.

Did I mention they have a heated salt water pool? Did I mention it's pretty darn cheap considering everything they have?

Did I mention I am freaking STOKED?!?!?!

Cause I am!

So yes, back down to 182.2. So close to the 170s. SO VERY CLOSE!

This weekend is a huge holiday weekend. Fortunately I have no major plans. I will be going to a friends house and staying the night Saturday. We will be going out to dinner but they aren't big drinkers so I'm really hoping I can keep the 170s in the forefront of my mind and remember to EAT WELL. Also, it's only over night. I will be returning home early Sunday and I do fine as long as I am in the comfort "safe" zone of my house. LOL

Planning on working out tomorrow morning, heading to my friends and then working out on Sunday and Monday as well.

Next week will be much more difficult. I know that I won't have as much time to work out - but I do HAVE MY PT SESSION THURSDAY! HOORAY - and Friday morning I will be leaving to go see Ginny and April in SAVANNAH!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I know there will be copious amounts of drinking. It is girls weekend after all. So maybe if I stay on point with the eating it will make up for the drinking? It will be the month of June and this will be my ONE WEEKEND this month I will splurge. I vow to MYSELF and to you all this right now.
Happy Friday everyone!!!!

Flippin' Weekends!

Man! I know I've touched on this before but I'll be damned if the weekends aren't the HARDEST time for a weight loss journey. I realize this is a lifestyle change but it's still hard and it sucks and just DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!

I went down to Wilmington this weekend. YAY BEACH! It was awesome. I'm a little on the cripsy side. OOPS. Totally worth it and it should sink in in a few days. Thank you genetics for blessing me with an olive complexion.

So short of bringing a cooler with food to cook my own food what do you do when you go out on the weekends or go visit someone? In all honesty I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten stuff to cook rather than going out. I guess... STRIKE THAT... I just didn't want to. *sigh*

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I started writing this post yesterday but wasn't able to finish. Let me just say yesterday was the king of all craptastic days, but you know what? I didn't eat emotionally which was pretty flipping big. In fact, there was a moment when I was trying to decide what to do for dinner that I could have totally gone overboard, but I allowed myself to feel the emotion and not stuff it down with food.

I've learned that as an emotional eater there is a ritual to it and binge eating and that includes planning what you're going to eat, cooking, eating, cleaning up... all of these things are a distraction to keep us from feeling what we are resisting.

Instead I cleaned my room and listened to some music. I even had a hard time figuring out exactly what I wanted to eat for dinner. I went to the grocery store and picked up veggies, ingredients for the infamous soap fried rice, and tofu.

It took me close to half an hour to even figure out what I WANTED to cook because I wasn't really starving. I didn't plan very well on Sunday night. I came home from the beach and crawled into bed (well not exactly like that, but I did pass out watching a movie) so I didn't make my lunch for Monday. I usually run over to the grocery store by work when I don't make my lunch and pick up one of their yummy pre-made salads, but their coolers were down yesterday so I ended up getting a microwavable lunch. It was chicken with veggies and that was the only thing I had eaten up until dinner. So for me to be on the LOW side of calories yesterday compared to eating everything in sight is quite a feat.

I didn't go the gym because I chose not to, but I am going to make up for it on Friday. So tonight I'm back in the groove.

Did I mention to you guys I've been doing 40 minutes on the Arc Trainer? Yep that's right. Why 40 minutes you ask? Because I'm working up to an hour... and I decided randomly last week to challenge myself to an extra 10 minutes and I DID IT. It sucked and it was hard, but I still did it.

So yeah that's it from me... I'm going to be re-evaluating some of my goals and doing some stuff to get myself re-focused and motivated again. I'll keep you posted!

Make it a great day, people!

A look in the mirror (full length at that!)

I had an A-HA moment yesterday.

I posted previously about how I wasn't feeling too great about myself this past weekend and was sucked into the black hole of being self-conscious. Being almost 25 lbs down I took a shower at my friend's house that has mirrors all the way across her bathroom. As I looked at myself I was disgusted. I've lost 25 lbs and I looked like THAT!!! Just imagine what I looked like 25 lbs heavier. I was really beating myself up.

Yesterday I went to Target to get some new work out clothes *yay* and to check out their swimsuits and pick up some other odds and ends.

I have been eyeing this bathing suit.



I think it's super cute and fun and just because I may be considered a "plus" size I don't think I have to dress like an old lady.

They didn't have the top but I spotted these shorts. Well, not these exact shorts but pretty similar. They're solid black and if you roll them over they have the splash print that matches the top. They're also a little longer but still SHORT for me!

http://www.target.com/mdp/B00335HMU0/ref=sr_qi_1_23?sr=1-23&qid=1274371146&asin=B00335HMU0

It wouldn't let me post it but you can follow the link. They're typical girl style board shorts.

So I grab 2 sizes and head to the dressing room... I put on the smaller pair and they fit but they were tighter than I wanted so I tried the next size up and they fit perfectly. Now, we all know how lovely those 3 angled mirrors are in the dressing room... they show you things that you didn't even KNOW you had.

And you know what? My legs didn't look half bad. And you know what else? All that cellulite I was convinced in my head that I have... really wasn't there. And for a moment I was confortable and I liked my legs.

I bought them!

It's amazing how getting back on track (and getting rid of some water weight) can do for your psyche.

So, for all of those bad days we have when we hate our bodies, there is a day that you will say "today I might not LOVE myself, but damn I'm improving!!!"

This morning the scale was down to 184.2! HELL YEAH!!!! That was especially surprising considering how BLOATED I was last night. I love my birth control but the only downside to it is that when I take the 2 pills BEFORE the placebos I am hella bloated. I'm okay with that though!!!!

Tonight is the gym and TOMORROW night I leave for the beach to go play with my loves!!!!