This is why therapy rocks....

So I had a semi-enlightening therapy session last night. I realized a few things:


#1) my birthday (which is in NOVEMBER) is about 12 weeks away. HOLY MOLY that is NOT that far off. Where the heck does the time go?

#2) She pointed out that anything worth doing is worth sacrificing for... meaning that the beer and random dinners (off plan) I like to participate in are what I'm going to be able to do more of during maintenance... not so much right now (not meaning I have to deprive myself, but I can't do it EVERY weekend and those 3 beers really need to be 1 beer or no beers).

#3) That sometimes I feel that if I don't partipate I'm going to be excluded and while other people may be dealing with their own issues interally mine are more obvious on the outside because I'm choosing not to drink/eat off plan and therefore people are going to ask me about it.

#4) Instead of going out to a bar/tap room/wherever we will be eating/drinking I need to suggest another activity that may not put me in that position.

#5) With a boost in confidence comes complacency to an extent. When I feel better about myself and I know I look better I am not chomping at the bit quite as hard as I was 25 lbs ago.... but I still have another 40 lbs I really want to lose.

I don't want it to sound like I'm saying "oh I'm depriving myself" because I'm not but I need to get it through this thick head of mine that in order to continue losing I need to be ON PLAN 99% of the time like I was when I first started.

So my goal (even though I hate giving myself specific dates) is to be at 150 on my birthday (11/14). That's another 32 lbs.... 12 weeks... 2.5 lbs / week.

How bad do I want it?!

Food for thought I thought maybe some of those things might help you guys out too.
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I'm still going to personal training. I'm still going and doing cardio 4-5 days a week. I even have a gym buddy! WOOHOO! Which makes it a lot easier when I'm being grumpy and don't want to get out of bed on Saturday and I get a text that says "hey do you want to meet at such and such a time." Well, truth be told NO I don't want to but am I going to? You bet your ass I am.

I'm going to be starting a food journal after I get back from Atlanta (July 1-6). I will be logging EVERYTHING I put in my mouth. I'm hoping this will help keep me more accountable and I can also see if I'm going off track anywhere... and while I still refuse to count calories maybe I can keep a rough estimate of what I am eating so I have an idea there too. I downloaded a nifty calorie counter on my iphone which makes life easier, especially on the go.

I haven't been posting much (on here or over on 3FC) because life is so chaotic. 10 hour work days + gym and then FINALLY getting home at night to have to eat, go to bed and do it all over again is exhausting and doesn't leave much time, but the important thing is that I'm still doing it even if I'm not posting about it every day.

I'm not dead...

I know it's been a while since my last post. Every time I tried to sit down and write it recently I would get distracted then de-motivated and I would stop mid post.

So here's the general run down of what's been going on with me.

I'm still working out. I'm still eating on plan. I'm still strugging with these STUPID 180s, but I'm not discouraged.

I actually started working out 2 times a week with a personal trainer. I really like working with her because I've never done weight training and have NO clue what to do. It was actually pretty intimidating so it's nice to learn what I can do (and can do on my own) to build lean muscle/tone up.

The first guy I saw for my "assessment" worked me too hard. I could barely walk in Savannah... it hurt that bad. Lee, my trainer, never pushes me TOO hard. I mean don't get me wrong, she pushes me, but not to the point that I'm in pain...

with the exception of Monday which I didn't even realize was going to be a problem. We worked on biceps and I couldn't stretch my arms all the way out for 2 days, but now we're good and I will tell her tomorrow when I see her that it was a little too much. I guess we need to knock the weight down a little.

I really am trying not to beat myself up for being so out of shape. I get tired and I cannot do a lot as far as weights are concerned with the upper body. But she always reminds me that I have to start somewhere and I'm making the choice to start so we'll get there but it's going to take work. Having HER say that to me means a lot.

I've been doing 4-5 days of cardio, 2 days WITH the trainer and then I try to incorporate a 3rd day where I do some of the exercises on my own.

I'm really digging it.

Yesterday I weighed in at 183.4. I couldn't exactly figure out WHY. I had gotten down to 181.8. Granted last Thursday we went out after work and I did partake in some fried pickle chips and I had 3 beers, but I didn't drink any this weekend and I behaved myself relatively well.... minus that one episode with the donut that taunted me.

TOM started yesterday so I'm hoping that explains the jump back up and will hopefully provide a nice woosh post.... I'm really ready to see the 170s.

Since it is now summer time (and I work for the public school system) my schedule has now switched to 4-10 hour days meaning I work from 7-5pm. Then I go to the gym and go home....and by then it's dinner time and bed time to start all over again. The plus side is a guaranteed 3 day weekend and if I'm lucky (like this weekend) I get a 4 day weekend and don't have to take any vacation time!

And a side note to the 170s - I'M COMING TO GET YOUR ASS.... seriously. <3 me

It has been 6 days since my last confession...

Whew! Alright, let's play catch up here. Don't worry, it will be the abbreviated synopsis.

Last weekend I had a breakthrough. Granted, it wasn't perfect, but it still showed me some things. I went to go visit friends that live about 1.5 hours away. I hadn't eaten anything all day (got there around 2pm) so I was ready to eat a small baby at that point. They took me to Mexican. I really have to start avoiding Mexican, it's like taking an alcoholic to the liquor store. I just can't say not to queso. So 2 beers, chips and salsa and BBQ chicken nachos we split between the 3 of us later I wasn't exactly off to a good start.

We met some of their friends for dinner and I had the grilled chicken salad and 2 beers. Oh yeah, there may have been 2 bread rolls involved too, but still, a vast improvement from stuffing my face with chicken tenders and fries.

Sunday morning we went to IHOP. While I wanted to order 23048209384 pancakes I opted for the omelet instead. The downfall here was the order of hash browns. By the time they came I didn't even want to eat them but I had ordered them so I felt bad.... their omelets are super sized so it was MORE than enough (I only ate half). I ate half of the hash browns, but stopped. So again, not perfect, but at least I was making better choices out of the poor choices, right?

The rest of the holiday weekend was on plan. I worked out Friday night, Sunday and Monday morning.

I managed at one point to be down to 181 (I think this was Sunday after drinking the 4 beers on Saturday) so I figured it was probably due to dehydration.

I've been bouncing/hovering between 182-184. Either way, I didn't have to unravel crazy amounts of damage from the weekend and that was nice.

I have a 3 day work week this week because I'm taking a big trip to Savannah this weekend. I was supposed to go to the Starscape Festival in Baltimore this weekend. That's another story, but needless to say I'm not going and really disappointed. Check it out online it's an amazing jam band meets techno festival they do every year with some really amazing artists. *pouts* But I made NEW plans and it's still going to be awesome.

I haven't made time to work out. Monday I did, Tuesday I had errands to run and some cleaning to do around the house, Wednesday night is therapy which leaves today. Glorious Thursday, which is also my day with the trainer at the new gym. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I did find out the hotel I'm staying in Friday and Saturday has a gym in its facility. If April doesn't get off of work early tomorrow then I may go work out and shower before she comes back. And I will more than likely wake up before everyone else on Saturday so maybe I can squeeze a work out in then.

So the HOPE for this weekend is to drink a lot of alcohol, have a lot of fun, but keep the eating on plan.

Does anyone have any cool suggestions for things you HAVE to do when you go to Savannah? I'm with locals but you know, they're probably tired and bored of it because they live there.

Savannah is considered to be one of the most haunted places in the U.S. I am SO excited as I love paranormal stuff.

Hopefully I will return with lots of cool pics!!!! [Maybe a ghost or 2 included]

Oh and P.S. Could you guys please cross your fingers that my bathing suit top comes in the mail today. I would really like to take it with me this weekend!

<3

Possibly getting back to where I was?

WOW! I just looked over at my weigh in log... Do you know it took me ONE MONTH to set myself back straight again? Do you know that could have been one month I was focused and continued to lose?


But you know what? The important lesson here is that I got back on track, even if it did take a month. So I'm pretty happy about THAT aspect of it at least.

I joined a new gym yesterday. I am SOOOOO excited. It's a big chain and its more expensive than my other gym but it has soooo much more that it offers. They have a boat load of various classes which was my main thing. I really want to go try some out for a few different reasons. 1) To change up my routine and keep myself interested 2) I know I will push myself harder if I am in a class because I don't want to be the punk half assing it in the back 3) I hope it will help me work on other parts of my body not just the cardio.

Don't get me wrong cardio is great. I really love it. I can tell that my body is definitly getting up endurance because now the first 10-15 minutes on the arc trainer is a breeze (its the last 15-30 minutes thats a little harder). But I know that once I get this weight off I am really going to have to tone up and work on my ENTIRE body if I'm going to be happy. Classes will be good for that.

Also the gym is across the street (ish) from work which means I can hop over there after work or during the summer (when time is more flexible) I can go BEFORE work, take a shower then scoot over to work. If I'm 15-30 minutes late it won't matter because things are much different.

So yes - VERY excited. I'm also nervous/excited about the assessment with the trainer. I know they do this to try to rope you in, but I had already told myself that when I get down to 150 I was going to look into a trainer because I know the last 5-10 lbs or so is going to be harder to get off. Plus why wait until you're at goal when you can already be toning up. It may take a little longer (or maybe not) to get there but I think I will be a lot more satisfied. So we'll see how it goes and hopefully he can show me some things to do weight wise because truth be told I get really intimidated by weights mostly because I don't know how to use them or if I'm using them correctly to achieve what I want.

Did I mention they have a heated salt water pool? Did I mention it's pretty darn cheap considering everything they have?

Did I mention I am freaking STOKED?!?!?!

Cause I am!

So yes, back down to 182.2. So close to the 170s. SO VERY CLOSE!

This weekend is a huge holiday weekend. Fortunately I have no major plans. I will be going to a friends house and staying the night Saturday. We will be going out to dinner but they aren't big drinkers so I'm really hoping I can keep the 170s in the forefront of my mind and remember to EAT WELL. Also, it's only over night. I will be returning home early Sunday and I do fine as long as I am in the comfort "safe" zone of my house. LOL

Planning on working out tomorrow morning, heading to my friends and then working out on Sunday and Monday as well.

Next week will be much more difficult. I know that I won't have as much time to work out - but I do HAVE MY PT SESSION THURSDAY! HOORAY - and Friday morning I will be leaving to go see Ginny and April in SAVANNAH!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I know there will be copious amounts of drinking. It is girls weekend after all. So maybe if I stay on point with the eating it will make up for the drinking? It will be the month of June and this will be my ONE WEEKEND this month I will splurge. I vow to MYSELF and to you all this right now.
Happy Friday everyone!!!!

Flippin' Weekends!

Man! I know I've touched on this before but I'll be damned if the weekends aren't the HARDEST time for a weight loss journey. I realize this is a lifestyle change but it's still hard and it sucks and just DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!

I went down to Wilmington this weekend. YAY BEACH! It was awesome. I'm a little on the cripsy side. OOPS. Totally worth it and it should sink in in a few days. Thank you genetics for blessing me with an olive complexion.

So short of bringing a cooler with food to cook my own food what do you do when you go out on the weekends or go visit someone? In all honesty I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten stuff to cook rather than going out. I guess... STRIKE THAT... I just didn't want to. *sigh*

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I started writing this post yesterday but wasn't able to finish. Let me just say yesterday was the king of all craptastic days, but you know what? I didn't eat emotionally which was pretty flipping big. In fact, there was a moment when I was trying to decide what to do for dinner that I could have totally gone overboard, but I allowed myself to feel the emotion and not stuff it down with food.

I've learned that as an emotional eater there is a ritual to it and binge eating and that includes planning what you're going to eat, cooking, eating, cleaning up... all of these things are a distraction to keep us from feeling what we are resisting.

Instead I cleaned my room and listened to some music. I even had a hard time figuring out exactly what I wanted to eat for dinner. I went to the grocery store and picked up veggies, ingredients for the infamous soap fried rice, and tofu.

It took me close to half an hour to even figure out what I WANTED to cook because I wasn't really starving. I didn't plan very well on Sunday night. I came home from the beach and crawled into bed (well not exactly like that, but I did pass out watching a movie) so I didn't make my lunch for Monday. I usually run over to the grocery store by work when I don't make my lunch and pick up one of their yummy pre-made salads, but their coolers were down yesterday so I ended up getting a microwavable lunch. It was chicken with veggies and that was the only thing I had eaten up until dinner. So for me to be on the LOW side of calories yesterday compared to eating everything in sight is quite a feat.

I didn't go the gym because I chose not to, but I am going to make up for it on Friday. So tonight I'm back in the groove.

Did I mention to you guys I've been doing 40 minutes on the Arc Trainer? Yep that's right. Why 40 minutes you ask? Because I'm working up to an hour... and I decided randomly last week to challenge myself to an extra 10 minutes and I DID IT. It sucked and it was hard, but I still did it.

So yeah that's it from me... I'm going to be re-evaluating some of my goals and doing some stuff to get myself re-focused and motivated again. I'll keep you posted!

Make it a great day, people!

A look in the mirror (full length at that!)

I had an A-HA moment yesterday.

I posted previously about how I wasn't feeling too great about myself this past weekend and was sucked into the black hole of being self-conscious. Being almost 25 lbs down I took a shower at my friend's house that has mirrors all the way across her bathroom. As I looked at myself I was disgusted. I've lost 25 lbs and I looked like THAT!!! Just imagine what I looked like 25 lbs heavier. I was really beating myself up.

Yesterday I went to Target to get some new work out clothes *yay* and to check out their swimsuits and pick up some other odds and ends.

I have been eyeing this bathing suit.



I think it's super cute and fun and just because I may be considered a "plus" size I don't think I have to dress like an old lady.

They didn't have the top but I spotted these shorts. Well, not these exact shorts but pretty similar. They're solid black and if you roll them over they have the splash print that matches the top. They're also a little longer but still SHORT for me!

http://www.target.com/mdp/B00335HMU0/ref=sr_qi_1_23?sr=1-23&qid=1274371146&asin=B00335HMU0

It wouldn't let me post it but you can follow the link. They're typical girl style board shorts.

So I grab 2 sizes and head to the dressing room... I put on the smaller pair and they fit but they were tighter than I wanted so I tried the next size up and they fit perfectly. Now, we all know how lovely those 3 angled mirrors are in the dressing room... they show you things that you didn't even KNOW you had.

And you know what? My legs didn't look half bad. And you know what else? All that cellulite I was convinced in my head that I have... really wasn't there. And for a moment I was confortable and I liked my legs.

I bought them!

It's amazing how getting back on track (and getting rid of some water weight) can do for your psyche.

So, for all of those bad days we have when we hate our bodies, there is a day that you will say "today I might not LOVE myself, but damn I'm improving!!!"

This morning the scale was down to 184.2! HELL YEAH!!!! That was especially surprising considering how BLOATED I was last night. I love my birth control but the only downside to it is that when I take the 2 pills BEFORE the placebos I am hella bloated. I'm okay with that though!!!!

Tonight is the gym and TOMORROW night I leave for the beach to go play with my loves!!!!

Do you earn bragging rights?

After my poor pitiful me post I wanted to post something a little more positive.

Eating has been on plan yesterday and today. Score. I've been drinking tons of water. Score.

Today I decided to "challenge" myself and I told my inner circle of most awesome support group girls that I was going to do 40 minutes on the arc trainer today. The most I've ever done was 30.

Well, let me tell you... by the 30 minute mark I was dying. One of my shoes was tied tighter than the other and where it was hitting the top of my foot it made the rest of my foot go numb. I was tired, my knee was a little wonky (not really that wonky, but you know I was looking for excuses) and I just kept telling myself that I would be letting MYSELF down if I didn't finish the 40 minutes. I mean, who the hell gives up with only 8 minutes left? I would've kicked my own ass for that the rest of the week!

So I did it. "400" calories later (I put that in parenthesis because a) it was a little over 400 and b) those machines can't calculate for every person accurately) and dripping in sweat I was done.

YAY!

See I can do it when I put my mind to it! [Remember that awesome challenge Jen and Tony did to teach us all that we have it in us?!]

Tomorrow is my rest day and I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.

Oh, and the scale was down to 186.6 this morning. I guess I was holding on to a little water weight from the beer this weekend.

And one more thing - I have lots of exciting trips coming up to keep me motivated, but I'll save that for another post!!!!

It's almost HUMP day. How are you guys doing?!